Last fridays events

I don't know how but I cheated death, by all accords I should be dead and gone as my car went into power-lines and my car was conducting electricity.

All I can make out is that the rubber on my tires saved me from being electricuted.

I now have a total write off of a car, and without a license for a bit. I'm not well enough to drive myself round at this stage.

After the accident I experienced psychosis and saw delusions and felt like people were out to get me and I couldn't trust even health professionals as they had an agenda. I still don't understand what is correct and incorrect.

I know I suffered nasty concussion and whiplash which is very painful. Friday was the day of the accident and then Saturday, Sunday, Monday all a blur, lost track of time, day, date, and all wanted to do was sleep not eating, or drinking, or using the toilet.


At one point with my psychosis I had this feeling that I was dying and that my parents were outside crying and I could hear them weeping and ringing my brother to break the news to him that his sister was passing away and he wouldn't be around to say goodbye.
This was obviously very distressing and the feelings felt real, I remember shouting out I'm Alive
At one point I was told that I clinical died 7times but am medically alive,
But this must of just been my brain playing tricks on me.


I am home now but am suffering shock still over the events of the last week. Still in much pain and confused  how I could still be alive after such an attempt. Previous to that attempt another was made the night before, serious self harm.

All I know is that for a month now my mood has been dropping, and I have been asking services to help me and telling them how real things are how I had a suicide note and plan, and the suicidal feelings just became too much. The severe depression took over, and I slipped further than I have before.

 A few nights before this attempt I was in respite crisis services and I knew that I was not ready to be let out of crisis respite, due to my state of mind, I tried to explain this to mental health services who did not want to believe me. They said there is a waiting list for respite and we have limited beds available so you are sent home.  I said its a big mistake to send me home as I was a immediate suicide risk.

Once I left respite I attended my doctors surgery and saw my GP who sent me up to the hospital due to my state of mind, I never reached the hospital, instead I tried to take myself out!

So now being Thursday of the following week I have to get used to the fact that I have written off my car, have no license for 28 days, and I am totally dependent on others. I have also had to defer my studies till next year due to my health.

Its hard to come to terms with these factors, also the fact that you see an article in the paper featuring your story I am ashamed not proud of my actions at all.

So now when you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up!

I cant go any lower than I am now, absolutely shattered.

Im in total shock over my actions, and course of behaviour, and I am so unsure how i survived such a attempt.
all i know is that my parents could of been burying their daughter this week, instead they are not, and they are thankful for that fact.

Honesty is embarrassing but telling the exact truth is important in this case.

life has a question mark over it is it worth it?

Once again i am sitting infront of this blank page and wondering what  to write seems to be that I have said it all.

Saw the doctor today who believes that taking my beta blocker has given me severe depression so now he wants to solve that problem by taking me off one drug and onto another and see if it improves my state.

I didnt think that beta blockers affected the emotional state but by the sounds of it they can in some cases. So something to be aware of.

I was late to Ucol today but I was proud of myself because I didn't give up and stay home just because I was running an hour late I still went in, and accomplished what I needed to.

I fronted up to my tutor and told her what is going on with me at the moment health wise and how I'm really struggling. I also opened up to a few classmates, who were extremely supportive and said they have struggled with depression too. They admitted to that the work load is heavy and they are struggling with expectations. They told me that they are there for support and I'm not alone. So that was comforting.

I told my doctor that I don't think I will be able to stop myself from killing myself. He just nodded and said I hope you are around next time to see me. He cant do much last time he sent me to mental health and I was sent home after a chat and there are no crisis beds available.

Ive been told by two friends tonight to just hang in there, hmmm

Life has a big question mark over it....is it worth it ?