Back again thinking out loud

Hi everyone,

Sorry to those of you who are following this blog for not posting anything lately.

Just been in a state that nothing I wrote made sense, or was positive, so it was like why, what's the point.

Guess I needed time out to get myself together.

The other day I forgot to pick up my medication this was a big mistake, you wouldn't think that missing two doses would make a great difference but it did. Man did it mess me up as well as the fact that I had no sleep either that night as there was a robbery at the service station on the main road, and the culprit was hiding. On our section from police and police dogs, and of course my dog went to town barking at what was happening. At the time we did not know what was going on but I knew my dog didn't bark at nothing, so rang police as my dog kept barking throughout the night and I knew this was unusual that's when they notified me police were in the area looking for someone and basically I was told to keep my doors and windows locked and stay inside. Of course I was a nervous wreck also feeling the effects of no mediation in my system and so had the lights on all night and could hear noises outside my bedroom window etc, was quite scary.
Lucky I had my pooch, he's great for company but security as well. Wouldn't be without him especially as a female.

So anyway the morning after this, after having no sleep all night and missed medication dose, I had an appointment. I couldn't pick up medication before appointment as ran out of time so was going to pick up when returned home as my chemist is in my town. Well I ended up not getting home till late Arvo and everything that could go wrong did, including my colour appointment for hair cancelled and also the battery in my phone dying on me when I am trying to find an address, and details to pick something up. Then I went to maccas for free wifi that didn't work and so ended up spending money getting phone topped up. Then went to see someone and they weren't at their office. Had paranoid thoughts that people were talking about me and stuff, and goodness knows how I was able to drive in my state but I managed.

Anyway got back on the pills yesterday and tonight I'm high as a kite, manic.
Horrible the complete opposite of depression low.
It's hard cos you feel like doing something risky. But I'm not going to I know better because of the dbt so instead I had a hot shower, put on pjs and had a hot milk, I'm still very awake. And all day I've been a chatterbox that wouldn't shut up, I've been very active on Facebook and posting etx, and talking to friends, can't concentrate on tv anything it's horrible when your mind is working 100 miles an hour, so instead  will just go with it and hopefully soon I get tired.

I've been thinking a lot of the tragedy of bobbi Kristina brown she's been moved to hospice care and end of life care a true tragedy just like her mother,  Whitney Houston,
I've been thinking about how she's in this state and what it's like for her family, she's a young girl that should be living her life instead they are burying her as she has lost brain function after being found in the bath and in coma , she's not Bobbi Kristina now and never will be again and that's really sad. Yeah I know she was grieving her moms death but I don't know if she realized what the outcome was going to be for her, or she did and wasn't in the right mind space, at the end of the day though what's done is done now and can't be undone, and it's a waste of a life that could of been something more. How sad for her family and friends that knew her, I've been following this case for many months with hope that she would regain brain function and have a life but it's not to be. Makes me think of the times I've almost wrecked my organs etc. once you do that on the mental health side it's very hard to get a donor organ, often impossible as preference goes to those who are not suffering with mental health issues. Because Its self inflicted.
Overdoses and sometimes it takes months for someone to die and it's very painful and basically some people get to the stage where's it's impossible to undo the damage done and basically they are waiting to die.
I was warned my last serious overdose of this fact.!
That you can reach the stage where you will die regardless because of your own actions. That would be the worst thing to be laying there with regret and not being able to take back those choices.

Makes you think, ?

I've forced myself to watch gruesome reality pictures of death so I get the true perspective of what it's about.
It's not a fantasy world and the pictures people see of the death are distressing, and real.
Reality is not pretty trust me doesn't matter how much makeup yr wearing or what trendy clothes your dressed in death is death.

At the end no matter what you believe death is the end of existing aswe know it
It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem,

You take away the chance of things getting better.

deceptive appearance (a poem original) 17.6.15

When you look my way you see nothing to
Disturb you
I appear together classy and free
But deceptive is this opinion you have
I'm held in chains
As captive to my mind
To my unreleased pain
The sorrow I feel could fill a whole book
Not a chapter
A whole novel of struggle of torture
Am I brave enough to write how I feel
Inside me
There are secret chambers
Filled with dark notions
Ghosts fill these rooms
A replay in my mind I'm the only one still watching
Over and over
How much is too much
For a tormented soul to bear
Does it only end
When you stop breathing

no instruction manual for life

Nobody ever hands you an instruction manual for life and yet there should be one, so you avoid the pitfalls, and the heart ache. There should be a map where clear directions are laid out and if you stay to the path you'll be okay. You will stay off the rocks.

Yes that would be the way life should be handled, but instead the inexperienced, naive, young follow a course that leads them to a completely different point.

If only you could turn to a certain page in the instruction manual and know exactly why you were put in that spot.
why were you made to face that amount of emotional pain?
what made you the un lucky one to have a mother as cruel as she?
what did you ever do to have people running the other direction from you?

answers that never seem to come.

what do you do when your heart never feels filled again, when you have lost that spirited self,
when grief overcomes you.

what do you do when you want to say goodbye more than hello.

when your friends are planning their lives and your planning to end yours.

how can you explain to someone close to you that you biggest dream is not to travel but to be laying in a coffin dead.
they would think you nutty.
whats wrong they would say, you look fine on the outside, you seem okay, you have plenty of hope of finding a decent bloke, why give up?
how do you explain that the torture you endure is not seen.


you can do a full circle and return to a point but at this point you tend to look again at your decision making and feel your a failure that you have allowed negativity in again.

The obsession I have surrounding death and suicide is my OCD and aspergers syndrome, but its also taunting me daily

Suicide always feels like it has the upper hand and I don't know how to let this card player leave the table, he's been such a friend.

I know that fantasy of death is an illusion, that its a mirage, and the cold plain truth opens your eyes.
but I try and tell myself this and all my mind hears is it is the way to go.

So will suicide take captive another victim.

thats not something that can be answered yet but in time.

The honest truth

I write the honest truth
to avail myself of it
to know whats in my head and my heart

I write the honest truth
to no where Ill part
where I started from.

I write the honest truth
cos if I don't
who's going to write on  my behalf

The honest truth is difficult to accept sometimes.
sometimes its a kick in the guts
other times its like looking into a mirror
and you don't like the reflection you see
as a monster stares back at you

The honest truth sometimes tells you to quit
other times it tells you to keep going
despite being in pain.

the screams
the cries of hatred for this life.
please don't take me as prisoner
the aching of knowing your not free from your thoughts

that your history has made you this way

There is no mask when the honest truth comes out and shares
its story
its shame
its eventual end.

the makeup is cleared away, the clothing does not matter
you cannot hide who you are
underneath that sweater

the honest truth has a way of lurking
and getting its own version heard.


Yes you want to scream
you want to cry but the tears don't fall
you want to punch the first object that comes into view

you stare at that image
and for a second its not you.

The honest truth
the expos'e
the paper front page
news story


are you coming or going in this life

You feel this immense pain from things that have happened.
you want to hurt those people who have hurt you
you feel like you cause pain and are a burden to those around you
and you cant live with the emotional pain and loss


do you even know
are you a survivor, or another victim of suicide.

before the honest truth makes its announcement!

DBT SAVES LIVES, CREATES LIVES WORTH LIVING/ skills/crisis strategies/ not afraid of feelings

Went to therapy today and realised just how far I had come, suddenly Im talking about the future and goals, where Im directing myself.

Let me just say that was not where I was at, not long ago.

Im proud to say I am 6 months clear from my last real serious suicide attempt.

Through Dbt I am putting into practice the coping strategies I have learnt. Including Distress Tolerance skills.

I will often now when I am feeling really intense emotions, go and have a hot or cold shower. I find a steamy hot shower, helps get the emotion out, and you can cry it out, shout or scream in the shower. Leaving everything inside the shower box and coming out clean and brand new.

Its like a death to the old you. You come out bright sparkling and new, normally with hair being washed and a clean body.

I also use ice cubes and touch them when I feel an intense need to feel pain, and want to hurt myself. It sounds passive to say so but it does create the same sort of feeling, that discomfort, but without permanent damage to your body.

I use blogging now as a way of getting my feelings and thoughts onto the screen and once they are away and separate from my mind it helps because you feel a feeling of freedom. They are not torturing you over and over in your mind.

When I'm tempted to do something destructive I utilise the skills of pros and cons and wise mind.  and realise that if I did engage in that activity even though its short term relief the results, and consequences of it are not ideal, and well your either going to end up dead as another suicide statistic, and consequently putting your pain onto others your friends and family or you are going to end up in ED, police station, having to cope with mental health services, and it does not seem worth it.

You know too that every time you do something destructive you are going a step backwards and not showing you are capable of dealing with yourself, your emotions, and you stay stuck stuck in a mental health unwell hell that you just do not want to be in.

So a lot of the time I will still entertain the thought of doing something permanent due to a very unhappy self, intense emotional pain but doing it holds different consequences.

When I am in a state I try to put into place DBT skills, and end up taking my medication and heading to bed, or distracting myself with some other positive activity. or ringing the mental health crisis line for help.

Once upon a time before DBT I would of engaged in dangerous destructive  behaviours cos I was desperate but now I have these skills up my sleeve it just doesn't seem worth destroying myself.

I cant believe I just wrote what i did.
Shows I am changing.


Yes I have moments like everyone that I am definitely at risk to myself but they become further and further apart because I know better now.

I know when to ask for help, when to make contact with people, and how to talk to a supportive friend a confidant mentor, who lets me just be myself and share how I feel honest and openly and we can work out solutions together productively. They are also great at distracting me from my issues.

Its my honesty that keeps me alive and makes me a fighter.

Im not one to hide how I feel anymore. Honesty is the key

We should not be afraid to share how we feel!

Maybe its still possible/self destruct mode don't achieve jack

Tonight I'm feeling the black dog heavily pressed on  my shoulders.. Its putting words in my mind, thoughts that I am unworthy, and will never account to anything.

A leopard cannot change its spots!

I have had a history of mental health unwell-ness that is coming back to bite me time and time again.

I could not help what occurred in my past due to circumstances and a mental health condition that I didn't ask for. But it does not make it easy to accept this fact. I really struggle with radically accepting  what has been my journey.

I struggle with the fact that I feel so capable at times and then not capable at all. I struggle that I have all this knowledge surrounding how to work in a childcare setting, and childhood development from university and yet can not use any of it as I am held back by my background check through the police.

I get that trust is a hard thing to earn, I get that it takes time to build up a good name, and a reliability as a employee, as a person who can be trusted. I get all that but I also feel that my circumstance differs from some and I am no danger to others, only to myself and this is only sometimes.

Again I rang up the nanny agency and spoke to them regarding my situation telling them it seems such a waste to have so much skill in an area and not even be able to work. I know if I am given the chance I will pick up and run with it, as I am an excellent childcare teacher and proved that over many years of working before I became unwell. I also have my own transport and full driving license.

I let the nanny agency know that I graduate from the DBT programme next month so I will have a year's course under my belt and a certificate of completion, teaching me coping strategies for my mental illness. It was also suggested to me that I have my doctor write a letter supporting my application for employment and stating that I was well enough to work.

I wasn't going to rush into work, I was willing to be relaxed and fit in within a team environment like in a childcare setting you are supervised, other teachers are around for support, and I was going to take it carefully and not rush into full-time work or anything i know I am not well enough for that but 1 or 2 days a week, Why not.

The fact is at the moment I have been prepared to work in Administration and other areas whilst I build up some stability health wise.
 But I cannot deny that my ultimate work place passion and purpose lie in working alongside children.

It makes me upset when I think that I can never get that life back again.

I think sometimes its all or nothing and if I cant be where I want to be in life then whats the point. Its a typical BPD thing where you are obsessed over something and cant get it out of your mind, and everything is either Black or white - the two extremes. Your either doing what you need or you are out of there as soon as you can.

I said to my doctor the other day when things don't look like they are going right I end up looking at the other path and go down the self destructive mode.

Obviously this is not a helpful course and does not get you anywhere but it has been part of my life for so long its difficult to stop.

I know I'm not the only one that has to fight against these impulses.

But the bottom line is that my impulses aren't going to get me anywhere positively speaking, they are going to hold me back in life if I let them. Through the DBT course I have learnt ways to work with my rational reasonable mind, wise mind and not just my emotional mind, and ultimately control my emotional reactions to situations and circumstances that arise, and triggers.

Yes Wise mind is a concept that was totally foreign to me when I first started DBT therapy but now its my go to skill. Making sure when I make a decision, I use my emotional and my rational mind together not live in my emotional brain and make decisions based on how I feel rather than facts.

Another skill I find is helpful is making a Pros and Cons List, for each dilemma I am looking at.  This has been helpful in respect to viewing the consequences of my actions before making a decision and then able to look back historically at what has been the result of following through with this action.  Asking myself truthfully have I benefitted from following the path of my emotions verses using my head knowledge and intelligence based on a logical conclusion.

Because like the Title Self Destruct Mode Don't achieve Jack.

Only unhappiness and pain and misery for yourself and everyone around you.


Its Your choice

but there are consequences.

prejudged by MHT, DHB / Developing vunerability and creating space to talk about stuff is way forward.

I was saddened today to hear of a friend who's been misjudged by the people around her who are meant to be helping her towards recovery.

This friend of mine has been refused counselling, and DBT therapy no good reason has been told that she is too well for this.

My friend to all outwardly looking her way, appears to be well put together, insightful and bright. You would not think she was suffering inside with mental illness. That every day was a struggle for her to pull herself together and keep on going in the journey of life.

But this is the truth!

I know too that my friends case is not isolated, in fact there are many who are prejudged by mental health services as being capable of helping themselves on their own, or too well to receive treatment.

What gives these services the right to judge individuals ?
Are they in these ones shoes?

If someone says that they are struggling majorly and need help then why cant they just be believed and accepted as needing assistance. Isn't that what the mental health services and the DHB is there for to help people. Not to judge them as whether they are worthy or not for treatment.

Im so sick of the judgements.

So many people are alone in their journey, not because they choose to be alone, but because mental health services only go so far and according to the criteria or paperwork they are holding this individual does not meet the mark.

So instead of getting better, these people can become so depressed, and suicidal as result of their circumstances and not being listened to, and helped effectively.

Is that the sort of result the DHB are after?


I know what its like to wear a mask everyday. Have done so to save face, and appear normal like everyone else. But sooner or later you become tired of faking it everyday.

Putting on a brave face just so people around you can feel settled within their conscience.

Well not any more. Vunerability, and creating a space to talk about stuff is the way forward!

I don't care if I have a bad week or a bad day, I'm gonna be honest.  We shouldn't hide these emotions away, everyone is sad at one point and its how that sadness is dealt with that really matters and being there for our friends and family and even complete strangers that we do not know from a bar of soap but need a listening ear, and maybe a hug.

Nobody's life is 100% perfect

But we can make lives better for people by just being ourselves, being open and non judgemental with our communications with them. Avoid stigmatising and putting people in a box or the too hard basket. If you view them that way don't be surprised if they view themselves with such a critical eye.

We can change things by the way we talk and act.
Its OK to TALK
Its OK to LISTEN

Being REAL with thoughts and emotions, words, and speech., actions, thats what lets people out there know its ok to share how they feel,  and they are not alone in their pain.

This in turn encourages others still to reach out , or share their story.  Creating a pay it forward type mechanism for change for the better.

ITS OK TO NOT BE OKAY!  WE DONT HAVE TO PLASTER A FAKE SMILE. WE CAN BE REAL, VUNERABLE, AND SHARE WHAT WE FEEL.

Life is about the people we are with, not the stuff we own or clothes we wear.

I try not to do this but a lot of the time I am still controlled by my impulses. If I want something I go and buy it despite the price, despite any obstacles that show themselves on the path. The impulse side of myself ends up displaying itself in determination to get that object, or do that activity.

Sometimes this impulsive nature  gets me into some serious trouble, financially and with those around me. It can actually cause more stress and financial burden than you realise at the time because you of course completely are mislead by your mind.

Your mind is telling you - you need this thing in order for your life to be slightly less painful!
This will complete you! This will make you happy.

All false promises, leading you on to spending money, that in the end does not complete you as a person. Just adds another item in your closest, or another electronic purchase.

Its a complete lie that you will be happier.   Your not, your distracted for a moment, maybe experience a little bit of pleasure but thats it, sooner or later your new toy becomes old and once you have got that item in your possession you are off to find something new, something more exciting. Your mind is once again promising that this new item will provide that comfort that you are missing out on. It will complete you, make you whole!

Its an endless cycle of buying crap and feeling crap because the items that you have purchased are not the solution to your problems of unhappiness, and emptiness. Instead it lies inside the soul.

You cant be made whole from objects, they can make life a bit more pleasurable but never take the place of loved ones, or nurture you like affection can, its those things that are more important but yet are taken for granted. Maybe people think they are loved already and thats enough but some folk are very empty, and feel very alone, they will never be filled adequately enough from an iPad.

They can buy a new dress but if you don't have anywhere to go, anyone to see, a place to attend in which to wear this dress then its just a wasted purchase. It instead sits in your wardrobe and collects dust.   These things don't bring pleasure when they are not being used.

 Having a new dress is nothing if you don't have people to share it with and a memory to record.

So what is life then about? Its definitely not just about accumulating stuff, possessions.

Its about creating memories and taking that invisible photograph with your minds eye.

Stuff is just stuff, clothes are just clothes, but whats important is the memoirs we keep with those items. If we were to lose everything else today, all our possessions - it would be our family and friends we would be most worried about not a dollar sign.

Preventable Deaths DHB WAKE UP! help suicidal people, if you fail it can be FATAL

I have been reading a variety of articles lately on the failings of the DHB especially in Manawatu Palmerston North.

Examples of people whom the DHB mental health services have failed.

These ones have ended their lives, and despite coming to the knowledge of the DHB were subsequently ignored, passed by.

Why is this?

When you go to a hospital  you do not go there for fun! especially the emergency department, You go there cos its an EMERGENCY.
the cases I have read there haven't even been plans in place to help specific individuals, despite many advanced warnings - self harm attempts overdose attempts.
Did they wake up with no coffee or something! what do the mental health clinician's get paid for if its not to prevent suicide.?

I can really relate to this one individuals fight with the DHB for help. I had been on a waiting list for DBT treatment for years, its only when I put major pressure on the DHB in my area, and the mental health clinicians that something actually started to happen.

This took 3 letters sent by  myself to the suicide prevention coordinator in my area, the mayor, the DHB, a lot of threatening words. Telling them that if I did not get this therapy they are going to find me dead!

You know the phrase that the squeaky wheel gets the job done!

So true in my case.

Makes me wonder what pressure the family of this individual put on the DHB, and the individual herself.

I read that the DHB have reviewed its procedures since the preventable death but NOW ITS TOO LATE!
Tell that to her mum and her family.

Its disgusting still keep reading cases such as this.

The DHB sometimes only have a small window of opportunity to help someone.
IF THEY FAIL TO DO THEIR JOB AND HELP SUICIDAL PEOPLE THEN IT CAN BE FATAL

WHEN WILL THEY WAKE UP!

MAYBE WHEN ONE OF THEIR CHILDREN DIES OF A PREVENTABLE DEATH!

my thoughts on the issue of assisted suicide

Im gonna share my thoughts on assisted suicide.

I do think it should be legalised and available to select individuals on a case to case basis.

What i find difficult is determining between terminal illness and terminal mental health conditions. One causes incredible emotional and physical pain, and the other just psychological emotional pain. But both are extreme hell to live with on a daily basis.

So who determines whether someone has had enough of either and needs to finally be free from their demons.

 People should have a choice!

I know there is a fine line between what is classified as a long term terminal condition. But I would argue that some mental health conditions are terminal and do not improve even with medication, and therapy. That underlying emotional pain eats at you, that tear inside you just continues to rip your guts out.

When you have a hole that can never be filled., and an emptiness and hopelessness that just cant be explained.  Does this give you a right to decide to end it all?

I would like to think there is some flexibility with legalities surrounding assisted suicide.

When a animal is in pain, we don't like it to suffer, if theres nothing more than can be done to change the situation we kindly put the animal to sleep. Yes its a kindness. So why cant that be so in certain cases where the pain has been ongoing for many many years and they just need to be set free.

Who's deserving of being set free?
When is it considered murder?


I do believe that those who are terminally ill from cancer etc should be able to make the final decisions on where they want to call it quits.
After all when someone has been through every means necessary to try and recover but has not been able to, and has been given a time line and a date for death, there is no hope left, they are just trying to make themselves comfortable in the meantime before the due day arrives.

They should be able to die before their body breaks down and they enter a vegative state, especially since their dignity is being compromised, and a lot of sufferers do not wish their family and friends to have to cope with the effects of seeing the one they love breaking down.

My mother recently had to deal with the death of her father dying from leukaemia. She is still scarred from those last few hours spent with him. Once you see a loved one in such a state its very difficult to erase that picture from your mind.


My mother has not been successful in removing that image and other family and friends have similar mental pictures of their loved ones that they cannot erase. So back to my argument if someone is able to bail out earlier than expected how much kinder that is on the individual experiencing the illness, and the family and friends around them, left with positive memories. Maybe a meal out with them a special weekend of fun, and then they bail out of life.

I just wonder if that is the way to move forward. To accept the situation thats being faced and allow those individuals to make their own decisions about when they will face their fate of death.

when the heart says its broken

This week I have had a health scare that i did not expect.


My heart has been going on its on rhythm and doing a marathon, my heart beating twice what it should be. Its been diagnosed as Supra-ventricular tachycardia  (SVT)

So I have come face to face with the imperfections of my body and suddenly my heart is doing something very out of order.

Started on Thursday night 7Pm I was just sitting minding my own business and the most intense palpitations started, with chest [pain. and intense nausea, and dizziness. I knew this wasn't a normal bout of palpitations, after trying several ideas to get rid of it I ended up calling Health line after half an hour and it was still continuing, they in turn called the ambulance and the second they hooked me to the monitor they could tell by the numbers showing on the screen that something wasn't right. when a heart is doing 180 + well thats serious.  They said to me you are definitely going to hospital. I was taken to Re-suss and yep hooked up to monitors and ECG machine, and after several attempts of trying to stop the heart beating so fast with conventional means, I had to have medicine through a drip in my arm. This medicine made me feel very strange and it was like i was going unconscious really weird feeling.  Anyway eventually my heart was regulated, and then monitored by ED staff. I finally ended up going home at 3am in the morning.

I was told that it was probably just a one off and nothing to worry about. They couldn't give me a trigger that brought it on, but I live with extreme stress, anxiety, so that doesn't help.

Well two days later and I was in ED for the same thing my heart went up to 220 at one point. The same process in the emergency department took place which was really not fun.
Now I have been put on beta blockers medication to try and regulate the heart and stop it from beating too quickly.  Its my first day on the new drug and theres still a lot of work to do with my gp to get the dosage correct.

I can say that these experiences this week have left me feeling shaky, and uneasy.

Its a strange feeling coming into contact with your own mortality.

Its been exhausting on my body and mind to keep up with my fast heart rate.

and its difficult when you flick between wanting to live and then to die


Went and visited a friend of mine today and explained my experience. He said you need to take better care of yourself.
Your body is telling you to slow down, to sort out things that are unresolved.

You cant keep going on with all this stress, anxiety.

somethings going to give whether its your health or your spirit.

I hate to admit it but they are right, there is still a lot that i carry on my shoulders.
time to let it go.

I did not expect to have to deal with heart issues, in my 30's thats just crazy! but there again I am having to do this and you just have to suck it up.

no parent of mine

How dare you treat me with distain
put me down with your words of poison,
what gives you the right to play with a persons feelings.

Yes I am a person
but Im a girl stuck inside a womans body
with feelings - as primative as they may be

Why does it make you feel better?
Does it make you feel bigger and stronger than I
to sit there on your high horse
and criticise my appearance, my looks

You tell me no man is going to want me
you tell me I shouldn't of been born
the nastiness is just too intense
and nobody gets to feel your rage your wrath
but your daughter

Your husband workships you
on the ground that you walk he walks too.
Suddenly its two against one

I ran to the shadows.
Hoping not to be targeted.
but you always find your entry point
and deliver a final blow.

Im learning ways to deal with the poison
I'm trying to surround myself with people who support
and strengthen me
but you are my closest parent
and the swords that you
put into me
create a overflow
and emotion
that i cannot digest or explain in words


For your parent
the one who gave birth to you
to have that much anger and resentment
and harm
and to betray their daughter


There are no words.
There is no feeling of  love

because hate has taken over!


Your words say more than anything whats in your heart,

An impossible journey is it Possible?

So I want to scream as loud as my voice can carry me. The burdens I am carrying are just too heavy and yet they are extremely hard to put down and leave, and walk away.

I have been in the deep pit of despair for a few days now and avoiding people and life.

I have had financial stresses as well as personal, and continual criticism from those who should be protectors and my closest kin.

Every time my mother seems to open her mouth its to criticise what I am wearing, how i smell, or how bright my lipstick is. What gives her the right to make her daughter feel small.

She doesn't have the right, I confront her and tell her haven't you got something nice to say to me. What about complimenting me ? instead of tearing me down.
I cant be all that bad, I try and explain and work out in my mind why why i am picked on.
There are no answers, Just I find I say why me? Why doesn't she love me?

Ive come to the conclusion that she does not love me. Thats the only thing I can say that she is incapable of love, of affection, instead its a fact of putting forth a feeling of fear, and making the person she's attacking fearful of her, and limiting their chances of creating a self esteem that is much needed in order to live a full and happy life

She does not want me to be happy, to have a life.

It sounds cruel to say that, but it must be true. All my cousins, my brother and everyone else that my mother knows is in in a different boat, and viewed in a different way to her own daughter.

So I need to find the strength to go on. Not to please my mother or my family but to please myself.

Some where within me I need to find the love and the acceptance that i do not get from my parents, my family.

I don't know where to start.

seems like an impossible journey


to fill a void that just is so wide.

and a scar thats so deep.