into the new year 2016

So its the first day of the year 2016.

The year has started well with a beautiful sunny day! I have spent time in reflection and contemplating my next steps along this road.

I am withdrawing from one of my medications and whilst this is giving me unwanted side effects its also been improving my mood state to a certain degree.

I intend to continue on in reducing the dosage of my medications slowly tapering off.
I have an appointment to get a fresh perspective from another psychiatrist in the middle of January. Hopefully he is flexible to reducing the dose, if not will continue anyway.

Soul surfer is on tv - the movie, i love this movie its so inspirational. A true story about a girl surfer who was a victim of a shark attack and lost her arm. but what is remarkable is her attitude about her circumstances and the willing spirit to get up and go for what she believed in, what she was passionate about. For her that was surfing and winning a championship, or at least competing.
She also goes to the Philippines for a visit, with her church group and sees life from another angle, the devastation of the tsunami and that really there are people out in the world with bigger problems, and learns not to just feel sorry for herself.
She learns in the end that her life isn't over its just beginning.
The shark didn't kill you your still here your still alive! says her father.

Another favourite movie of mine is Pay it forward watch it this weekend and you will burst into tears.
but the principles behind it are so admirable, and if everyone paid it forward like that did a good deed or something for one person, and passed it on, well the world would be a better place. Fostering generosity and kindness to everyone.

So delighted to see my seedlings my sunflower plants starting to come up. Its a strange feeling you get when you are nurturing plants, and contributing to your own garden, the responsibility to water your plants, and watch them carefully. I did not realise how enjoyable it could be to have my own garden. Next i would like to plant some roses and do myself a little veggie garden.

Since being home from Auckland I have been stepping up my exercise regime. Definite walks daily with the dog, but I want to do more than this. I have cut back on calorie intake, and portion sizes. Trying to slim down. Im not fat but I believe that part of how you feel comes from the way you perceive yourself. I know I'm the only one who can change that perspective of who I am. I know that I feel better usually when i am in a certain size range, and feel confident when i look good. With that give and take, to achieve a certain size it is essential that I restrict myself the foods i eat. I do not feel I am missing out though no I am gaining the body I desire.


I realised something whilst I was away. That I still have the same values, beliefs, and that I want to embrace them. That I want to do more than that and share what I know with others which means this year I will be putting myself headfirst into activities in my church.  I am also saving up for a car cos this will be needed.

I gained so much from my trip to Auckland, including the facts that I can independently travel without any hiccups, that I can rely on myself to use public transport and not get over whelmed by how large Auckland is. I learnt my limits, what I can and cannot accept, my values, my beliefs. I learnt the value of friendship and how important it is to cultivate and take care of it.  I experienced a different culture and type of food.


I will be taking more trips in the not too distant future. I will enjoy my singleness whilst I have it, no tie downs, and can go anywhere I please.


2016 NO LIMITS

Taking a break

So this week I find myself in a completely different environment to I'm used to. Instead of my small rural township I'm currently in Auckland in papakura.

I'm very new to Auckland and its charms, I don't remember visiting this city but I know I probably have in the past a long time ago probably in my teens.

I have been spoilt with the joy of Auckland and its many shopping malls and vast locations. Including mission bay, which has a holiday a vibe to it.

I have to say I want to return to Auckland and spend more time here.

The only drawbacks as far as I can see up here are the ridiculously high housing prices, and the traffic that you have to navigate through to get anywhere. Apart from that it's my sort of city.

I came up here originally for my friends wedding which was beautiful by the way she looked amazing as like she was an Indian princess I am so happy for her and her new husband and they are so well suited to eachother.

Whilst I am up here I am looking into the services available to help me to withdraw from the cocktail of medications that mental health have put me on. I will update you if I have any successes. I'm not holding my breath but I'm getting nowhere with my team in the wairarapa so it's worth a try.

In fact with my team In the wairarapa I have written an official complaint as to how I have been treated to date, all they have done is put me through dbt therapy but I only got that in the end cos I kept asking and threatened suicide.  But after the events surrounding my recent attempt I had to say something to the dhb. I won't know the response to my complaint until after Christmas and New Years, but at least I have the commissioner on my side.

Today I had plans of going out but that didn't happen due to having a bad stomach so instead watched the Christmas movies on tv and hung out at home.

Anyway that's me will be back to wairarapa on Saturday so not long left of my trip. Ur will definately be back up here one way or the other.

Until my next post.

no title just emotion

To the people who have walked away thank you
You have walked away because you cant handle the truth
I have lived with the truth every single day of my life.
for 32 years
and yes I haven't walked away

I cannot explain to you how it made me feel
all those thoughts of abandonment and isolation came back to me in droves.
because you blocked me
no longer wanted to be my friend, my mentor, my confidant.

You so called said you would stand by me
but at the site of a challenge you decided you couldn't not stand beside me no longer


I will never understand how people who advocate for mental illness
and help others with depression cannot stand beside someone who is really suffering
and planning to take her life with her own hand.


why couldn't you just be a positive force.

the hurt is beyond words. because all the abandonment thats happened to me previously has been uncovered.




so who's the winner...

misunderstood by MHT

Saw my psychologist last week and the cold reception I got I was not prepared for.

Yes I had missed two appointments but I was sick and had good reasons for not coming. But none of those reasons meant anything to this lady sitting opposite me. I felt judged, I felt that she saw me as a no hoper.

Does she realise how much I am struggling to stay alive!
I tell her just a portion of whats going on in my mind and automatically she's saying to me just make some goals, you don't want to have a career in mental health services do you.

My answer to that is I am doing everything I can to survive this illness but its too much for me to handle.

Im severely depressed, and not at a place where I can snap out of how I'm feeling, i wish i could. trust me. Goal setting  is impossible right now its more a minute by minute thing.

Im not even sleeping - having insomnia. not getting to sleep till early hours of the morning. Despite good sleep hygiene

The way my psychologist talked to me it was like she felt that I was wasting her time, and not getting better.
I would like to see her be me for one day and see how she manages this its not a walk in the park!

The only good thing about my appointment was that I left the room with my DBT certificate for the programme i attended last year. Also she has put forth a referral to pathways for a support worker, to help me.

She has said theres not much more that mental health services can do for my circumstances, and that if i wish I can be discharged to my GP she has asked me to think about it carefully. Then I can be referred for EMDR and trauma therapy somewhere local.


I started going down this track but the lady who was taking the EMDR Therapy acknowledged she wasn't experienced enough to help me and my type of trauma. So back to finding someone who actually can help.

Tried to go to church on Sunday got dressed up for it, but had major panic attack and anxiety and couldn't get myself out of the door. Even still thats a win just to get that far when PTSD is majorly affecting me and my life.

have had to reach out this week to people as not coping well.


oh well Monday today.

I ponder (warning triggering post)

So when I consider how I'm feeling its not where I should be feeling wise at this stage of my life. People would say you have a lot to live for and a husband and children to bear but all I can see is the pain and suffering that I go through on a daily basis.

I wonder if this is enough reason to give up. I wonder how much more I can take and its starring me in the face the haunting question of suicide, whether to go down that route or to avoid it at all costs.

I know at a certain point the decision is no longer a decision and the desire is overtaken and you are speeding towards it at a pace. I know at a certain time that the decision will be out of my hands and I either live or die pertaining to my actions and the consequences of those actions.

I know that once I reach that point my life is done and i cannot go back, or change my mind. I cannot hug my family for the last time, I cannot plan to have or do anything as I will just be gone.

Yet that thought gives me peace, that I will just be gone, and sprinkled ashes.

Its not the cowards way out far from that its hard to make the decision. Its not selfish either as many would think it would be its a matter of self preservation by taking your life in your own way.

Its a matter of not waking up in pain everyday of your life.

I watch videos showing the consequences of suicide on the family but still that does not reach me. Im not stone cold but have put up with way too much pain and my heart is heavy with the burden of loving but not feeling loved. Heavy with the burdens of too many years of painful memories friends that left me and yet wanted to come back.

living with mental illness not an easy trek and some would say I have done well to stay as strong as I can for so long, but I really feel I am running out of my strength and what I can take thus far
so to leave would that be so bad if it finally enables me to find peace and rest.. and those around me will be better not having the burden of having an unwell family member or friend.


I ponder.

unable to cry

Once again I am crying inside and want to show the emotion on the outside, but my tears won't come I'm staying staunch, Im trying to be brave.

Its horrible screaming and crying and knowing nobody can make you feel better, nobody can take away the agony that befalls you.

I don't know how to explain it in terms that the regular reader would understand.

When you have been let down so much by so many people that you thought you could trust and others that were your friends and have walked away and said goodbye

You try to survive day by day. But I know already that the suffering is too much and Im not sure how much more can be handled. By both my health and those who respond negatively towards it. When can I honestly turn around and say enough is enough Im out.

Seeking, searching for help and answers. Medication that actually does something.

but no answers to be found in medication, only in strategies to manage day by day.

but even that does not manage the Chaos of the mind

I ask myself often what is my purpose here, why was I put through all of this pain. Why does it have such a grip on me..

and it hurts.

Smiling Depression

"SMILING DEPRESSION"

A person has this when they are deeply depressed but look on the surface to be functioning daily they laugh they smile, they act like nothing is wrong.

but something is!

It is often not picked up  - ROBIN WILLIAMS - a comedian hiding his depression by laughter.
we did not know his pain until too late.


How many in our communities have this SMILING DEPRESSION.

its easy to hide it.

I know myself I've been guilty of this and mental health services haven't been able to discern the truth in the past. Its also hard to get services to believe you need help because your so called "high functioning" You "Look Good" "Pretty"  "independent"
so how do you get the CATT team and those so called mental health sector professionals to view you differently?

Should it really matter that someone walks in unshaven, untidy, looking terrible.
do all Depressed individuals really need to look that way in order to be treated seriously?

Shouldn't there be less judgement!

Shouldn't a person be believed by what they say and do, not discriminated against because of the way they look, talk.

If I laugh it doesn't automatically mean I'm happy so don't assume I am! Im hiding how I feel but nervous laughter, I'm trying to lighten the way I feel...by telling a joke.

Ive been in hospital after overdosing and just because I'm a good communicator the Catt team have got the impression that Im fine, and can be sent home, despite a mental health advocate telling them how desperate this individual is and what a risk they would take.
Is there something I'm missing here. do the Catt team not know about Smiling Depression.

Over time you learn to hide how you feel cos nobody wants to hear it. So smiling depression is part of how you get on with it all. You try and get on with life like everyone else even though you don't feel the way others feel.

Im saying that Smiling Depression is not easy for the person living with it daily, but its also not easy to diagnose when your a clinican but its important to see whats happening below the surface and not always take people on face value.

ETC the journey of Energy, tranquility and courage

ENERGY
TRANQUILITY
COURAGE

E T C  JOURNEY
What an acquaintance called the journey of being unwell to well ness.
I think it sums it up very well.


You need Energy to keep going - it takes stamina, it takes work, it takes endurance.

You need to see the tranquil moments and appreciate just the little things in a day whether its your cup of coffee in the morning or sitting in the sun, Its the moments of peace that you get that somehow help you when your facing crisis to reflect back on.

You also need Courage. Because its not easy to win a battle against your mind, it comes back to Energy. Realising this is your lot but not wanting to be defeated by it all but instead of being overwhelmed surprise yourself and others by enduring incredible odds and getting through.


I find the sun is just such a blessing to be immersed in its glowing rays and feel the warmth. This is often misunderstood and under valued when it really is such a delight to behold, and when you sit there embraced with the feel on your skin, you know thats what life is about.

I feel that way about a hot or cold shower the feel of the water of your skin is like nothing else. When everything is going down to step into the shower and let the water take you under its spell and change you. I find its a time of intimate reflection, and letting out the pain and anguish through the steam -  that manifests itself. Crying because no one can see you and you know the weight of what your carrying on your shoulders.
But once you step out of that shower you have left that emotion behind and its time to get on with the next day, and you renew yourself, your person, you have clean hair, a clean body, you get into clean clothes brush your hair put on makeup and head out looking a million dollars.


I read an article the other day about what you call Smiling Depression. Its a type of depression thats often misunderstood and not viewed as depression as the person seems on the whole to be functioning daily. They are laughing and smiling, etc but inside they are completely jelly. They are the sorts of people you need to watch out for, because they hide it so well. Reminds me of Robin Williams, yes he was a comedian and laughter hid his unhappiness, nobody saw it till it was too  late.

So why isn't this type of depression given more media time.? I do not know!

People have the "she will be right attitude" she may be but what if she's not

even the most strongest of individuals can lose it sometimes, and one time too many could be the death of them.

I just think as a society we could be doing more to help individuals and be more discerning of their needs.

food for thought.

mental health services Needs to be priority! * inadequate services.

So I am going to begin this article stating the truth about MOST of the DHBS in the country of New Zealand. They are not working for the people, they are proving in effective with stopping suicides from occurring so thats a fail.

I especially am talking about the mental health system in our country. Its a sham. It really is when there are people within a Catt team and others that have jobs but they are not serving the mental health consumer and providing what they need as an individual.

I say Individual because everyone has different needs, when it comes to the mental health sector we are not all the same. I belong to a group called Support complaints for Mental Health and time and time again there are posts on there of how individuals have been let down in crisis, families have been let down and suicidal children have come home to them or not come home in some cases, and then theres missing person reports, and some of those end up being victims of suicide.

Then theres organisations like Lifeline that just are overwhelmed and cant pick up all their phones, so phone calls get missed. What happens to the individuals that needed some support and couldn't get it in their time of crisis?

I know very well the state of the mental health system really is less than desirable, unfortunate to be a part of it since I was a teenager.  I have seen good organisational skills in DHB's and very poor and reckless behaviour of DHBs

I wonder about the misdiagnosing that happens, how someone can be stigmatised for having a particular condition mentioned on their file. They are then viewed as an attention seeker when thats not the case at all, and if only these mental health clinicians could see the great emotional pain these individuals are in they just want to get out of their hell.

Because they are a certain diagnosis (in the too hard basket) they are not allowed to go to hospital because of the fear of the clinicians of their behaviour getting worse. Yes to these clinicians its a behavioural disorder and something that you can change. If only they knew what its like to live with Borderline personality disorder day in and day out. If only, then they would realise what a ride what a roller coaster and stressful and painful life. How it affects you as a person, and also your family and those who you consider your friends. How many of them walk away because they cant cope. Yeah not so simple now clinicians. Hospital is a last resort, trust me you don't want to be there unless you really have to. But even that is not open to a person with borderline personality disorder.

They send you to Crisis Respite if you beg and beg for it, sometimes. If theres a bed. Cos at the crisis respite centre only 4 beds are available. Its also usual to be tossed out after a few days thats okay if your ready to go home and no longer acutely suicidal. But tossing someone out when they have a suicidal plan, and a suicide letter at home,  and a car there to carry it out with, yea not that smart. Especially when that person knows their intentions and begs u to reconsider. To no avail.

Trust me that person was not attempting suicide for attention that person was trying to get out of her  hell hole.

Wish clinicians would see that clearly.

What concerns me more than ever is the careless behaviour of some clinicians.

someone with borderline personality disorder was told by the Catt team that they couldn't stop her if she wanted to kill herself, and basically egged on to commit suicide.
well if Catt cant stop you, why are they there?

A police officer also said if you want to kill yourself stay off social media.
Thanks for the TIP!
Should these people be working on the front line I ask you to consider ?

A well known celebrity suicide prevention advocate tried to get this person admitted by the Catt Team after a serious suicide attempt but they didnt even listen to him. Yeah apparently having borderline just means pain in the bum to the psychiatric services.

time to change that Me thinks.

this person just went on to attempt again.

Also just a pep talk on the phone when your suicidal is not enough Catt Team.
And being told off for calling emergency services when you need them so not on Catt Team
Should be allowed to call police ambulance if health is that bad.


Being escorted into mental health dhb BY POLICE and being told police officer can go, and just given a little chat and driven home yeah not adequate.
not allowed a support person yea thats not good enough either

I think its time the CATT team starts listening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE DHBS NEED TO START GETTING THINGS RIGHT.

THE GOVERNMENT NEEDS TO START SETTING PRIORITIES PEOPLES HEALTH


my points are below

Why is this occurring when these ones
1) Are first going through the right channels to access support
2) there are enough staff in the mental health sectors
3) there is money going into the mental health services from the government.
where it all going?

I wonder if the families of those who are suicidal are being notified of the status of the individual, before tragedy occurs?
I know in some cases they aren't - they cant
see the warning signs before a suicide occurs.

Why is there such a let down in the mental health sector, it shouldn't be  just a 9-5 job,.!
Why are other organisations that are actually making a difference and reaching children stopping them from suicide and yet they are not getting funding?
why is our prime minister so interested in the damn flag, and his rep rather than worrying about whats actually important and putting money into that.

You can tell I'm really angry it is a subject i am very passionate about as personally I haven't received adequate treatment from mental health services and all I hear is negativity.


TIME FOR CHANGE  !

In the darkness

Goodness me another tough night for me last night. Theres something wrong with being alone with the lights out, some nights its okay and others its really hard to handle.

Left alone with just yourself, and your thoughts. You might shout at me I should get a hobby - well i do have hobbies and interests, but late at night well those don't even come into my perspectives.

It is just me - and I am completely aware of the person - and I don't like that person.

Whether its that I want to run I do not know. Am I afraid.

But when these thoughts are strongest and trying to turn me towards making that thought a reality its me fighting for my life against the most pressing, convincing enemy that could ever make the history books or the pages of a novel.

He tells me its what everyone wants you to do, that your life is not going to be anything great so just give up now, heres the door.
It gives me a detailed way of accomplishing this task.

He is so convincing I know exactly why he's been so successful in getting victims but am i just a plaque on a grave, here lies, ........ age......died. Or am i something else?



I know if I Succumb for just a moment- or entertain the idea that I will be sucked into the snare within. Because the words are like sweet honey just the idea of being peaceful but its false hope and trickery as nothing is as easy as just taking a sleep.

Ive been told time and time again what the effects are on those around.
do i want to leave that pain?



If I'm not careful, and don't watch it I will be another statistic.
ultimately friends and family can be there for you but

Its only me that can stop that eventuality from happening.

Suicide doesn't have to occur- you can beat the beast! its getting past the moment of desperation.

Last night I almost gave up, yes i almost decided to take myself out of the running of living a life.
Last night I had thoughts that were dark, and would not make sense to you
My plan was desperate and my method
yes it would of been so easy to follow through,
but i chose to fight
with all my insides
to keep living
and i awoke to a sunny day
a blue sky
and a sun beating down its rays upon me.
I walked my dog I felt my feet on the pavement
I hid under my dark sunglasses.
I cooked myself a meal,
I dyed my hair
I watched the women of pike river talking their grief.
they miss their men.
I sat and wondered.
guess what Im saying is in one moment the desperation is real
but the next moment the next day there always some sunshine
whether its only the weather.
suicide doesn't have to occur
you can beat it.

The Women of Pike River the 29 Men lost but not forgotten.

Watching the women of Pike River on Channel 1, what a horrible journey these people have been through and what Hell.

It was interesting hearing reports from some of these women that their men were coming home sick because of the gases in the mine. They tried to complain about the conditions in the mine but were ignored by management.

This was before the terrible occurrence 19 November 2005

There has been no accountability and those who should of been charged with the murder of these men and having unsafe work environment just walk away scot free because there are not the people available to give witness reports, etc.


They have had promise after promise made to them regarding getting those 29 Men out of Pike River, but nobody has delivered on their promises!

Even the fact that they have been promised action and then when the day comes for decision reentering the mine, the other parties have backed out.

The question is now its 5 years down the line - When are these folks going to have their men out of that Mine?

What happened to dignity, respect, and treating these families with kindness, not getting their hopes up time and time again and breaking promises.

Now the decision is that Pike River is their grave site.

Theres been no justice
                    no accountability

everyone deserves some closure!


We have to learn from these past mistakes, we need to not to ignore a gut extinct that something is not right.
we need to speak up and not back down.

Someone has to listen - before its too late...and theres another tragedy....

a broken vessel that stands and those that try to fix it

When you have serious mental health issues, its easy sometimes to look around for someone to save you from yourself. You don't trust your own abilities and see your own worth through what you have been through in your past, and what you see in your present.

A saviour -  you put some people on a pedestal because they have been kind to you, have helped you out of a jam.

They become the one you go to.


You don't want to be a nuisance you just want this person to take away your pain, your burden, your incredibly bad luck that life has thrown your way.


You want to scream and shout and tell everyone off and you get frustrated at yourself and the way you are. Who you are when you look in the mirror

you wonder whom that girl is - who's the reflection.
she looks so put together.
so capable.



You cant see that gorgeous girl, capable girl that others can see.


You forget that you are strong and can handle anything thats thrown your way. You have managed before and you manage time and time again.


you forget that others have problems too.

everything becomes about you. your world is circling, and limited by a narrow viewpoint.

all conversation becomes revolved around you

your sucked into self pity and hatred.


Yes you want someone to take your burden from you. You want someone to tell you everything is going to be ok., even though you doubt it will ever be.

That person becomes your hero because by their words or what they have said it has given you a day longer living your life.

the influence of good - of positivity your sucked in. Because your so scared and terrified of what its going to be like without that positive voice in your corner.


how can you ever stand on your own!


its a vicious poison though as that person gets tired of you, tired of your struggles, wonders why you haven't got it together.


views you as in the too hard basket.

walks away

and your there wondering why?

how did a friendship become so toxic.


maybe there are no answers
they can never understand just what its like to walk in your shoes.

the most painful thing to know is that they cannot fix you


only you can fix whats broken. Or make the most of the broken vessel that stands.

john key/ desperate state of NZ

I hear that the DHB in Auckland is on strike, so good luck if you get sick this week.

I am so annoyed at our Prime minister who seems to have his head up his ass when it comes to priorities for the country. They should call him the Donkey prime minister. We do not need a new flag, its a waste of financial resources that need to be put into healthcare and the mental health system to make it better and functional for those who need to use it.

John Key is so worried about choosing a new flag, and pandas for NZ and changing the currency. What the heck?
is this man living on another planet?

Or is he only going to get that the state of services are in dire need, low and behold if someone close to him needs to use them!


I just do not understand how he can go to bed at night and sleep knowing the suicide rate for NZ is so high and that his citizens in his country are suffering, and struggling to make ends meet, even feed their children.

The organisations that should be getting funded are not getting the funds needed.
Alot of these are voluntary organisations, such as The Key To Life Charitable Trust go into schools and talk to the youth. Yes being on the frontline.


I read something this week that made me very sad. A 9 Year old girl committed suicide. Now i don't like the word committed, but it was a serious thing and at her age to be that desperate, I just wish someone had reached out to that little girl before life got too hard for her to handle.

I wonder the reasons behind a 9 year old making such a desperate statement. I hope it wasn't just a cry for help that went wrong.

to think that I'm still alive despite all I have gone through I feel grateful in part.


I wonder if she was being bullied, or her home life was tormenting her, whatever it was we need to find these answers so other children can be saved and do not become as desperate and go to the lengths that this little darling did.

RIP Sweetheart.


anyway thats me if you have any comments feel free to share below.

invisible Illness

How different is Depression to other mental health conditions.
Very different because Depression can actually be treated.
Some conditions cannot
its just a matter of waging war with your mind and your heart.
deciding its more important to stay for your family and friends sake
rather than find peace
even just keeping on breathing can be such a struggle
and people who have never felt that agony
will never understand
that pain

finding solace in your struggle
maintains that you keep your distance
when your hurting no body wants to hear
its just swept under the carpet
with a broom

Stigma and discrimination
also how can you keep believing yourself
worthy and capable of this life
when others have given up on you
and see you as a lost cause

Theres no words for the invisible illness
that you grapple with
and try to contain
everyday you try to put a lid on a pot that is steaming
about to overflow

when will you rest?

poetry descriptive the runaway

Agony
Anger
tension
heartbreak
finding
solace
in
intimate
moments
with no
reason

looking
for
hope
when
it
doesn't
seem
to
show


hating self
loathing
desperation
running
away
from
the
soul
catcher

PTSD

Today was a nothing day for me I had a very stressful day yesterday and couldn't sleep,

I experienced an anxiety attack  last night after going to church during the day. If you have had an anxiety attack before you will know that they are not pleasant, and even though I was trying to do deep breathing etc that didnt quite work to calm me, because it reminded me that I was alive when i was doing the deep breathing techniques, I haven't got the gist of it yet, but I tried. I also put on some calming music, restful sleep songs. But that didn't seem to help in the slightest.

I know the anxiety attack was to do with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from being ostracised a long time ago by the same church and then I went back, now i went back for the right reasons, I do believe the teachings etc, its just getting past my own emotional turmoil.

I believe that I had psyche myself up so much during the day for the meeting I was to attend, that by the end of the day I was exhausted emotionally and mentally.

The flashbacks came back to me, and the uncomfortable feelings, of being ostracised. I mean how do you tell your brain that its not occurring now, that you are safe. I kept repeating those words over and over to myself when I was laying in bed and couldn't sleep and was the middle of a panic attack.

Im Safe, that part of my life is over. your ok

These words you say them but to get your mind to believe them is quite a mission. Anyhow I continued, and realised that I couldn't go to sleep cos every time I tried to close my eyes an image would flash of me being ignored, and ostracised by members of the church.

I gave up on conventional panic attack solutions after googling how to cope in a panic attack it had come up with distraction techniques etc that i had already tried, and deep breathing so I took matters in my hands and decided to take some PRN instead so i would get some sleep.

It still took me time to sleep after taking the PRN but it was better to get some sleep in that way.

Woke up late today but I needed the sleep.


I'm in a racy way due to the memories being brought to mind, and flashbacks so I am using what strategies I have learnt through Dbt etc to hold it together.

Tonight distraction by the tv and the show The Block, watching a movie upstairs with granny and Mum and after that coming back into my flat and putting loud music on, positive inspirational songs and doing my dishes, and cleaning my kitchen.

It doesn't sound like much to some people but when you are trying to wage a war with yourself to keep yourself alive well you got to use everything at your disposal.

thoughts on the day

Tonight I feel full of emotion not sure if its because I watched a film about a man buried under ground or whether its some other reason, but I feel compelled to write on here what I'm thinking.

The last two nights I have had to deal with firework displays going on at the neighbours, and the field behind where I live. I know its the time of the year for fireworks but my poor animals get so upset, and I end up having to comfort them.

Tonight brought my rabbit inside for attention and noticed that under her mouth she's got orange stuck, so note to self no more oranges and orange peel for my bunny.

Today has been quite uneventful for me. I was very tired after my adventure and journey into Wellington yesterday to see the All Blacks Parade so I ended up sleeping in, waking up and watching tv. I did venture out into the sunshine and saw that the Wairarapa had once again put on a beautiful sunny day with blue skies to enjoy - hot. So out went the furniture that I had to bring inside only a few days prior because of the wind gusts. I have put weights on it so that my furniture doesn't blow over.

Had friends over this afternoon so that was lovely and a nice cuppa. Some encouraging thoughts which was nice as well.

It was random yesterday cos I sat next to a lady who owns a publishing company I didnt know that of course before I sat with her, but the random fact about it was that I have been thinking of publishing a book that comes from the place of resilience and strength within tremendous obstacles.. and all of a sudden she's there and we are talking and suddenly trying to come up with how much would cost.


I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, and I don't think that it was by accident that I met this individual she was very enlightening in other ways as well, and I really believe that everything is pointing to the fact that I need to release this book, and tell my story, or some of it anyways because it can help others to get through what they are coping with and give them strategies to help.

I want to be able to provide some sort of hope to those who have none, such as teenagers, and others. If I can dust myself off day after day and keep going and not give up well then you can too.


Another random thing happened today not so positive, well I was blocked on twitter, and it was entirely out of the blue and not expected. I made a comment on this persons account which was a positive post about an organisation, and then not long after that I find out I am blocked.

I don't understand. But I take this as this person does not want to communicate with me any further. So I accept it. Im sure its not the first or the last time I've faced rejection or exclusion.


so with that all done and dusted.

I'm off to bed now, will post something tomorrow


goodnight.

Welly goes all Out for the ALL Blacks Parade

Yesterday was such a great day! Took the train down to Wellington and met up with a friend of mine down there.

The All Blacks Parading through the street was EPIC! the crowds there cheering them on and clapping, there was barely space to walk around town was packed in at the seams!!!!

At Civic Square the All Blacks were positioned on the steps, and they were cheered on one by one, to the roar of the crowd!

I wasn't able to get very close as well there too late as the train only came in at 12 and the parade had started already but myself and my friend were running up to basically catch up with the team.

I was happy anyways saw my two favourite players Richie McCaw and Dan Carter.

Then once the whole All Black Parade was over I went to the Art Gallery and spent time building a tower with the lego upstairs.

We then went and had a late lunch.

The weather was brilliant in Wellington I was so surprised didnt need a jacket or anything.
The sun was shining

Got the train home after some afternoon shopping and some little momentos of the day!


This morning I was wiped out, and my feet are sore from walking around Wellington yesterday but I am satisfied that I was there in the moment and part of the crowd and not just watching it on the Television.

One of the best days I have had in a while

when those with mental health issues are treated as criminals

My question is
How many individuals with Mental health conditions are treated as criminals instead of being given the help they need?

I think instead of judges sending these ones to jail or fining them they should be given the treatment they desperately need to get through.

This may mean putting these ones under the mental health act, MHA compulsory treatment order. Or just recommending they go to some sort of rehab programme.

Ive just recently had to go to court 3 times now in total and Im a person with serious mental health issues that affect my life everyday. Can I say the stress thats put on me overtime of waiting for court appearances, and going to court appearances really is not fair on someone with so much on their plate already, especially when this court case is regarding actions that took place because a severely suicidal person was trying to end their life on one particular day.

I did not mean to put people in the situation they found themselves in, and wish i could take back what happened, but the desire to end my life overtook everything else. My reactions, and the way I conducted myself that day was not whom I am day to day. This came from a place of a girl who was so desperate to get out of her life.

Instead of being given the help I need I have been charged with an offence. Which I don't feel is fair treatment. Police are even starting to feel that I need supervision which is just the icing on the cake and when you try to explain to your lawyer and your lawyer tries to explain that to the police the police have their back up like they are trying to prove a point.

I told my lawyer I am not a danger to anyone else but myself please pass that on!

even still I feel very uncomfortable in this situation and the fact is now I am being judged by the police and they are viewing me in a negative light.

I wonder how many other people have been in this situation where they have been treated as a criminal rather than got the help that they need because they were in a state of desperation caused by mental health issues.


Please if this blog article has raised issues for you feel free to comment.

Or if you have an opinion on this subject matter feel free to let me know.




thank you for taking the time to read this.

one big mission.

Another night down in the game of life.

I.m upset im in tears, I'm fighting back the thoughts of death and ending it all, I'm hugged by my father and mother, the tears rolling down my face. I feel that I am treated as though I am 16 years of age, its very hard because with a mental illness I display behaviour that impulsive and scary to those around me. I try not to be this person.

I know Im not ready to drive yet, but it hurts that Im not driving around like everyone else instead i am coping with the fall out from my suicide attempt and losing my license.

Im crying but then an hour later I'm laughing thats how confusing this disorder is.
I do my best to keep it under wraps. But the thought of escape is always upon me.

Hard to explain to those who don't understand the prologue

Talking about life saving methods, well its hard cos I don't want my life to be continued in that circumstance but others feel different.

So who makes the decisions.

so difficult because sometimes Im for life and other times I'm against it. So how do you make decisions when your mind is cloudy.


Living or Dying.


what a choice


the fireworks are displayed outside my window so inside I sit with my pets, and make sure they are calm and collected whilst the festivities continue.

I really need supportive people around me people that can get that I need a listening ear.
because my life feels like one big fuzzball.

but its not cute and cuddly wish it was.



instead it is one big mission!

letter to my readers and those who struggle.

Dear Readers of this blog.

Please feedback if you like my posts, because this lets me know where your heads are at in relation to the issues that are highlighted.

The posts that are on here are 100% real and true and nothing is hidden from view. The girl you read about on here is the girl that I am the woman I am who is struggling with her identity with herself as a person surrounded by mental health issues.


I have been let down by the health system at times and that is touched on as well through my posts. So if you have any experiences relating to mental health or the health system in general please feel free to post a comment, or many comments as the situation arises.

The struggle of a brain who wants to die, but family and friends want you to stay alive is very realistic to how it is everyday. The extremes in mood and temperament. Not able to find a middle ground despite therapy that has been undertaken. Now in more complex therapy treatments for PTSD.

I have issues with social media and my viewpoint of twitter and Facebook and such things. They can be positive in the right context but also can be very negative to individuals in other contexts.

People say what they like over a keyboard not really seeing the person behind the screen who may be crying or in torment.  Bullying is rampant, so are posts of people crying out for help that aren't always attended to.

Social Media can be about showing off, showing how wonderful your life is. Well how does that make the person feel that doesn't have life worked out in such a way as you do. The ones with mental health difficulties, the ones on benefits through the government, the ones that are struggling to get through minute by minute hour by hour.

I have issues with people that say having depression is hard enough, what about having to live with a trio of mental health issues, and having all that trauma coming up in your everyday life? could you live with that then?

I don't believe that suicide is the easy way out i believe its the way that finds itself to the consciousness when all other ways have been explored and the pain is so deep that you cant go on. Its a way of survival and to the individual involved, a very emotional and terribly hard decision but you feel that you can no longer live one more day.

Its very hard to explain that to people who have not been in that space. The dark clouds, the walls, the darkness without any light you don't see hope, you don't see anything but your pain and yourself. Severe depression is something I would not wish on anyone, as well as other mental health issues.

So how do you stay alive you may wonder?
You learn what it takes to survive when you have no other choice but to be strong within your circumstances, when your starring death in the face and know its either go this way and break hearts of your family and friends or keep strong and fight through the hard times.
I have to say for me its been the reminders I have got from The Key to Life Charitable Trust started by Mike King - suicide is not okay thats what sticks in my mind.
Also The Nutters Club Started by Mike King. Reminding me that others out there are struggling too and giving me strategies to keep going.
Also Rats Riders Against Teenage Suicide - well for me they have been there when others have not.


Also using such services such as Lifeline where you can talk to someone about whats bothering you.

Ive been lucky in that I have been through DBT as well. Which gave me strategies that help me cope.

I still lose it though from time to time.

thats why I say to all of you out there. Look out for your friends, family and complete strangers.

a word spoken at the right time is a lifesaver!


so many times I've been so close to committing suicide and its someone who's
reached out to me thats stopped me in my tracks and helped me to stay strong.


you can be that person for someone who needs you!!!!!!
and if you need that person well remember you are strong too, and reach out. Reaching out for help is a sign of strength not weakness. Its okay to say Im not doing okay I need support.


Lets take Care of our Whanau.

Social media Poem

So i don't want to post on twitter
or facebook
I don't want to send a selfie
or even take one.
I don't want to be a part of your group
or your organisation too
Im struggling enough in life just to hold on
to living

I don't care about the latest fashions
or the trends on the catwalk
I really don't care that you lost your shoe

Im not wanting to hear your excuses
for not wanting to socialise
im sick of you blowing me  off
making me feel inadequate

Im not wanting to be a pain
im not fighting for attention
I'm definitely not seeking sympathy

know I'm just lonely and tired
of fighting an illness that you cannot see

I pray and I fight every single day of my life
so my family don't have to bury me in the ground
I pick up any self help books I can find
to make my day a little bit more liveable.

Your status updates.
Your show off displays
you act like your life is easy

just know true courage is living when you don't want to live no more

so don't hate me social networking bunch
for not posting a status or a tweet
I run out of things to say that you actually want to hear.
my life isn't as glamorous

and I'm tired of the blocking, and the ones who don't reply
just realise the mental stabbings hit just as deep as physical ones.

How can I get you to understand.
social media might be your life, but to me its a sideshow.
My reality requires strength to get through everyday.

social media platform poem

Social media

why be so controlled

why do i NEED to check my status

why do I need someone to retweet my post

or favourite it.

Why do I need followers

it doesn't matter really how many are following your account

does it make my life better having people watching

analysing my social media profile.

I don't understand the need

to update your status every two seconds

its confusing 

when you don't feel your accomplishments aren't appropriate

for mentioning.

they are just the small things

like getting out of bed, 

or taking medication 

or walking your dog down the road.

the small things

don't seem to matter to ordinary people

they wonder why you cant just make it in the real world

how can you explain to them 

that the social media platform 

is just that 

a platform

a showoff station

it can be used for the good of the people

causes and fundraising

but it can also

be a place of bullying

and social torment for some.

some just find it difficult when their followers disappear,

or others block their tweets,

block them

its not something should take personally

but its hard not to feel some sort of pain.

the real reason for social media

should be to reach out to people

to keep in touch with family and friends

to support them and remain a influence in their lives

and brighten their days

so why do so many give up on those they follow?

and why do some delete their social media profiles and choose to live in the real world

the suicidal club

Ok I know I have a battle on my hands its not a battle like a warfare but a battle of the mind.
My mind is still telling me to end my life. Despite others trying to tell me to give myself a chance and stay alive.

So whom do i listen to? Who do i trust? can I trust my mind is telling me what is correct and true?
am i taking the cowards way out if I go down the suicide path. A friend of mine recently said that was the easy way out of life, and giving up was giving up quitting when it gets too hard.

What does he know though? he's only dealt with depression as an affliction, and even though I am not making light of how much of a annoyance depression can be and a problem Im also stating that when you are dealing with severe depression plus other mental health disorders, well life gets complicated and strangely unwelcome to live.

Its not that you give in too easily but if that person thinks he fights to cope with his negative feelings imagine what its like dealing with the confusion that comes from compounding mental health issues.
You are saturated and challenged day after day as to whether you can overcome your feelings, and your thoughts, and your impulses.

Some days Im strong and I can get through and ignore these impulsive thoughts, and feelings of wanting to end it, but other days I am sucked into their power, their powerful hold over me is clear to see and I become very secretive and in private i am planning my next move, its not a move that leads me towards life but towards death towards getting out of the pain that I am in.

Nobody can understand unless you are in that place, that mental anguish that you are tortured by your own brain. Even without dwelling on thoughts you feel like you cant beat this thing thats got such a hold on you. That others would be better off without you here.


Its a lonely place and a place I wouldn't wish anyone to visit, because once your in this place its very hard to find your way out again. Its like your stuck down a deep well a hole you can see everyone at the top and they are telling you to climb up but you still cant see the light


You cant climb why cant you climb cos your in limbo you don't know if  you want to come back out because you are so tired of struggling.

the finality of death is a scary place but is a peaceable place as well thats where the struggle here in lies you just want your suffering to be over. It doesn't go through your mind whom u may hurt in your race to get free of your pain its only when you wake up in that hospital bed that you realise how many people are standing around you, crying for you and in anguish because they thought they would never see you again.


So who wins in this war.

Who gets the victory. Its a black place to enter and many are entering its doors.

why you may say?

one of those things you can never understand until your a member of the club.

appreciating the little things

Today my mood I hope to improve when i see the sunshine outside, put out my outside table and chairs, and sit there eating my mornings breakfast of porridge. The sun is bearing down on me but I don't mind the heat the sun all seems worthwhile, better than being cold, how I've been so many times this month passed. So I sit there the sun and the blue sky beckons on me, and I look up in wonder at how beautiful this day has turned out. I have appreciation for the sight i see and wonder why I cant see it with these clear eyes of amazement everyday. Why does my brain tell me that this world is nothing special when I see such a sight that makes me in awe of creation.

I don't know how to explain the changes I have in my mood and temperament one to the next, the extremes when I just want to be normal. But the sky and its beauty is something I CANT DENY. Even in the hardest of times those are the memories I take out of my treasure drove. They are the gems I capture with my eyes, why take a picture when you can take a lasting memory in your brain just by using mindfulness and being present to your surroundings. I find I remember it when I use my eyes like a camera. click.

I take the renewed energy I feel from the sun bearing down on me to use the opportunity to clean my surroundings inside with the door open letting in the light and the breeze. I sort out my jewellery, my possessions and my clothing, things that make me feel good when the day may not be such.

I also take time to put together my memory board with bits of jewellery and photos, things that mean something to me. My grandfathers picture goes on this board, he's passed away now but the memories of him live on. A photo of myself with  my cousins, and a photo of myself as a 12 year old girl standing beside my little brother. I wonder who that girl is in the picture. I wonder if i have grown from her naive ways..

I stand back and look at what I have created and am pleased.

I then realise there is more to be done, and theres more to be captured.

waking up to sunshine

So today I wake up to beautiful blue skies outside, and somehow the day seems to be okay and able to be endured. The heat, the warmth of the sun and the chance to wear summer outfits, all beckons and I am grateful that I'm still alive to see this sight.  I hop out of bed and eat my daily portion of porridge, that fills me up and makes me not eat as much as I could for the day. I know that the weather out there is cheering me to come out for a walk in the sunshine, walking the dog walking myself and feeling the heat of the day on my back. My mood improves with walking around suddenly I am connected to the world and the people in it.

when a friend defriends u.

Tonight a friend of mine a dear friend of mine decided to call it quits and not talk to me anymore. Now this has been a friend who I have had for 3 years and has been a friend and a mentor to me. He said he feels like I am going to suicide and he cant be around for that.

Emotionally I can understand from his point of view, but obviously its hard when you are doing what you can to bring yourself back into check after having severe depression which seems to be ongoing.

Its not as if i am just sitting twindling my thumbs I am actively trying to help myself despite being so suicidal and ready to give up. I know family and friends don't want that, but even that isn't enough for  me.

Two weeks ago i attempted and almost succeeded it breaks my heart that i didnt,. It breaks my heart because my heart is broken every single day in this world.

My heart is broken when people leave me, when they ignore me I just cant take it.

So yes i am trying to see it just as a short break where this person is having a break to recover for themselves but its difficult when we have been friends for so long and now he has put me in the too hard basket.

It doesn't make me feel wanted in this world, and its a feeling I would not like to put on anyone.

I hate that people look at my diagnosis and judge me from that, as i am more than that diagnosis and i have actively tried to not let that diagnosis hold me back.

I feel very upset this evening.

I don't want to be this person anymore.

Last fridays events

I don't know how but I cheated death, by all accords I should be dead and gone as my car went into power-lines and my car was conducting electricity.

All I can make out is that the rubber on my tires saved me from being electricuted.

I now have a total write off of a car, and without a license for a bit. I'm not well enough to drive myself round at this stage.

After the accident I experienced psychosis and saw delusions and felt like people were out to get me and I couldn't trust even health professionals as they had an agenda. I still don't understand what is correct and incorrect.

I know I suffered nasty concussion and whiplash which is very painful. Friday was the day of the accident and then Saturday, Sunday, Monday all a blur, lost track of time, day, date, and all wanted to do was sleep not eating, or drinking, or using the toilet.


At one point with my psychosis I had this feeling that I was dying and that my parents were outside crying and I could hear them weeping and ringing my brother to break the news to him that his sister was passing away and he wouldn't be around to say goodbye.
This was obviously very distressing and the feelings felt real, I remember shouting out I'm Alive
At one point I was told that I clinical died 7times but am medically alive,
But this must of just been my brain playing tricks on me.


I am home now but am suffering shock still over the events of the last week. Still in much pain and confused  how I could still be alive after such an attempt. Previous to that attempt another was made the night before, serious self harm.

All I know is that for a month now my mood has been dropping, and I have been asking services to help me and telling them how real things are how I had a suicide note and plan, and the suicidal feelings just became too much. The severe depression took over, and I slipped further than I have before.

 A few nights before this attempt I was in respite crisis services and I knew that I was not ready to be let out of crisis respite, due to my state of mind, I tried to explain this to mental health services who did not want to believe me. They said there is a waiting list for respite and we have limited beds available so you are sent home.  I said its a big mistake to send me home as I was a immediate suicide risk.

Once I left respite I attended my doctors surgery and saw my GP who sent me up to the hospital due to my state of mind, I never reached the hospital, instead I tried to take myself out!

So now being Thursday of the following week I have to get used to the fact that I have written off my car, have no license for 28 days, and I am totally dependent on others. I have also had to defer my studies till next year due to my health.

Its hard to come to terms with these factors, also the fact that you see an article in the paper featuring your story I am ashamed not proud of my actions at all.

So now when you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up!

I cant go any lower than I am now, absolutely shattered.

Im in total shock over my actions, and course of behaviour, and I am so unsure how i survived such a attempt.
all i know is that my parents could of been burying their daughter this week, instead they are not, and they are thankful for that fact.

Honesty is embarrassing but telling the exact truth is important in this case.

life has a question mark over it is it worth it?

Once again i am sitting infront of this blank page and wondering what  to write seems to be that I have said it all.

Saw the doctor today who believes that taking my beta blocker has given me severe depression so now he wants to solve that problem by taking me off one drug and onto another and see if it improves my state.

I didnt think that beta blockers affected the emotional state but by the sounds of it they can in some cases. So something to be aware of.

I was late to Ucol today but I was proud of myself because I didn't give up and stay home just because I was running an hour late I still went in, and accomplished what I needed to.

I fronted up to my tutor and told her what is going on with me at the moment health wise and how I'm really struggling. I also opened up to a few classmates, who were extremely supportive and said they have struggled with depression too. They admitted to that the work load is heavy and they are struggling with expectations. They told me that they are there for support and I'm not alone. So that was comforting.

I told my doctor that I don't think I will be able to stop myself from killing myself. He just nodded and said I hope you are around next time to see me. He cant do much last time he sent me to mental health and I was sent home after a chat and there are no crisis beds available.

Ive been told by two friends tonight to just hang in there, hmmm

Life has a big question mark over it....is it worth it ?

surviving is just too painful

When your heart aches like mine does you wonder if you are best to give up the ghost and run from life, as surviving it is just too painful.

Everyone including your family urges you to continue along the life path. But do they truly understand your suffering. How can they if they are not in your shoes, walking your path.

Sometimes I wish just for one day they could realise, and be privy to what is going on in my head, the constant chatter, demands, critic, the backlash that goes on and the warring of trying to be normal but not feeling so.
if they could feel it, and understand they could feel the gulp that I feel of terrible anxiety. The pit of my stomach painful, and nauseous

I wish they realised just how quick the switch can be turned in my mind and I can go from not thinking about something to obsessing about it, and planning it to a tee. It just happens.

Although I have strategies now its really hard to convince your brain that plagued with suffering thats felt on a daily basis, that its worth hanging around for the next season.

I still have the attitude and I think my family have this same attitude that I am around for as long as I will and theres no surprise in their minds or my own if one day I call it quits. We have spoken over this fact already and the eventuality of that will just be dealt with in time.

I want this terrible burden to be lifted. But not in this lifetime will that happen, i just have to learn to cope and I don't know if thats enough of a solution for me.

What facade of a life can I hope to live when I'm battling suicidal thoughts and idelation as a constant companion is it really that easy to turn and look the other way and stop yourself from falling.

So many times I'm on the cusp of crying but nothing comes out I cant even show, instead staying brave.
This is not the life I envisioned for myself its a sham and a mockery that who I was has changed into this person whom I do not know, I cannot acknowledge. Somewhere I have got deeply scarred and hurt and I'm bleeding on the inside.

who's the girl in the previous posts

Ok rereading my last post I'm like who is this girl? the article and blog sounds like its written by someone else it sounds so different to how I am at this moment.

Im hurting so much. I don't know why exactly but I know I'm very suicidal.

Im waking up in the night and wanting to be dead.

It doesn't make sense the way I am feeling as I have good things going for me at the moment. so why would I be so suicidal and wanting to give up life? I do not know.

I have no answers

it just feels like every day i am feeling worse and worse. When I ring mental health services they tell me just to use my dbt skills. Damn it people have already tried that, not working.

Wish they would get it. You don't ask for help unless you really need it.

Also the other problem is there are no crisis respite beds available. So left at home to suffer. tell me how thats helpful on the suicidal individual please?

My dear friend is out of action at the moment with schitzophrenia as well and he's been one of my major support people. But its no good talking to someone when they are not making sense.

Other so called friends have walked away, they view me as in the too hard basket.  Its strange when you really need people there aren't many around.


Please if you care reach out as I really need to talk to someone and finding it hard to do that.



they have these ads on destigmatising mental health,wish that would happen.
just seems judgmental individuals are everywhere.

on my path

Just when you think your alone, the answers come to you how to handle anxiety how to cope.
Someone out there is keeping me going and I cant help but feel thankful for that.

I have had overwhelming anxiety attacks this week especially which haven't been able to be shut down  early and I'm  struggling to handle them appropriately.  Ive been trying all my dbt skills but just nothing worked so took medication and waited and went to bed.

Shutting yourself down when your on a tangent is hard. I didn't even understand why I was having the overwhelming anxiety, I just felt like life was ending, and determined to end it. The fear was so paralyzing putting me in a state of terror, and literally taking my power away. I tried to do the wave thing that dbt recommends but it wasn't like a wave it was stronger than anything I had dealt with for a while, and just felt like one course of action was the only course of action.

What do you do when you have those sort of attacks. they are paralyzing and screw with you and make u feel like you have no chance but to follow their course of action.

there is a big part of me that doesn't want to open the door to what can happen next in life due to fear and apprehension, and would rather die than live.

but on the other side of that its also exciting if I allow myself to walk forward and see whats around the corner on my path.

Its never been exciting life for me,. well i say that for the last 9 years it hasn't been exciting.  But maybe life is about to change.

Im upskilling at Ucol - putting myself on the right track in order to get a really good job outside of my family business. I graduate in November.
I am meeting lots of nice people.

I am also back on herbal life which helps me look great losing weight, and helps too with energy and mood.

Im trying to let people back in my life which is difficult but not impossible. I cant keep living life in my head my head is a lonely place, and with the level of pain I have had I deserve the same level in happiness.

Im watching all my cousins and friends marrying and having children and I am sitting on the sidelines which I don't want to do.

Im more than my illness, and have the strategies now to handle it appropriately and when I don't have the skills to do so there are people I can call out to, to get needed assistance.

I am proud of the fact that in a few weeks I am due to graduate from a years programme of DBT treatment. This has not been an easy year, but the more that I have put these skills into practice through homework and everyday use the easier it has been to empower and help myself to get through hard moments.

Also I now appreciate the little moments in life.. mindfulness.

A real key defining moment for me was when Bobbi Kristina died, in a coma. she was brain dead. At only 20 years of age. At that moment I decided that was not going to be my outcome.
Its not fair on my family and friends, so I have to do all I can to keep going in life despite the inside pain I feel.

 Every day of my life I know suicide could be my outcome if I let it but I choose to hang in there for family and friends, and stay strong. Its been drummed into me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When you see the damage left on those left behind, its not loving to put people through that despite how much you try and justify it on the bad days.

Now I have my grandma living with us as well so thats another reason to stay strong.

Im worth more than throwing it all away and being a corpse.


I have to believe that.

depression

Feeling like shit just going to say it.

I don't know why I feel like shit.

I know that my grandma has moved in upstairs and my living situation has completely changed. The dynamics have changed, and since granny has moved in I do not feel important at all.

I feel like my parents and grandma view me as a nuisance, and that its a chore for them to have me come up to see them, they are always trying to get rid of me. So I wonder how they would feel if I permanently was to disappear.

Would they miss me if one day I happened to not be around, would they regret taking me for granted.

I just feel like a nothing in their books.

Mum gets all argumentative about everything, and every thing I say and do is a hassle to see and hear its easier just to stay away and isolate myself than put myself through continual rejection cos thats what it is.

I am filled with anger and resentment, and just feel like exploding everywhere.

I don't feel loved, and I am struggling to find that within as well, when I am treated so harshly.

Im feeling very unsettled with dbt finishing shortly as well.

I have started having health shakes, and I am back on herbalife, but yes my mood has definitely taken a turn for the worse, tremendous depression has set in.

I know the doctor did play with my dosage of antidepressants so that could account for some of my depression
but
Its so hard I don't want to struggle

and its so difficult to stop hearing these persecuting voices telling me what a useless BITCH i am.

and once again I'm headed for the exit button.

because I cant stand the person I see looking back at me in the mirror!

Thank you universe

So Tis is living! Waking up early going for training Ucol heading forward with a purpose in view.
Very different situation to this time last year. I thank Dbt everyday for handing me a set of skills that have proved invaluable, and given me a life so to speak!

Spending time mingling with fellow students not the most comfortable feeling but being social is part of the territory.

I love learning new things having my mind challenged and having to reason.

Also realised today how wonderful the universe has been to me of late, finding a beautiful white scarf and it having no owner despite looking and asking. Now I have a thing of beauty around my neck keeping me snug and warm.

Also a classmate of mine had the whole Herbalife product set but did not like Herbalife and wanted to get rid of, I mentioned how I loved the products and she gifted me the set. I cannot believe how lucky I am. I definitely don't take for granted, thank you and thank you universe.

Maybe just maybe I'm starting to get lucky
Things are definitely looking up.

Yay yay and yay.

Also just found out really good friend of mine moving from South Island to Wellington .
Sweet....

Bowen therapy back on next Wednesday as well.

All I gotta say is thank you universe...



Woohoo,

Me now trying to survive through the fog of depression

Have almost finished dbt treatment and am proud of my progress since starting the programme last July.
Am starting ucol course tomorrow updating my office skills for employment in that area.
Am nervous about finishing dbt and feeling nervous about being back into a course but I know that I need to stick to it and use it to gain a better future.

Have got really bad depression at the moment, last few days have been awful.

Your family just do not realise how they can affect u by their words, or even just a look in the wrong way. I have been fighting my feelings my thoughts that my folks don't love me and I am a burden to them, because it's hard to see positive when what u see daily reinforces those thoughts. Wish my mother could just smile at me instead of look at me like I'm an idiot. I've had to stay away from my family in order to stay sane. Even that's not really doing anything,  I'm just trying to not make the situation worse but it's so difficult to hang in there.

For the first time in a while I had to take extra prn medication to control my state. Could not see myself getting through without it. Still don't understand what brought on this serious depression but yea it's here so have to deal with it. Maybe it's being overtired that could of been a contributing factor, have had changes in recent times in my living situation, church issues, dbt finishing new course starting, financial issues, loneliness issues, trust me there are many things that could of  been contributing factors. Even illness.

Inner voices can be a real pain, when your self esteem is low, when you live around a nacisstic parent,  a person That through a look Can take you from a 5 to a 0 in Mood.





I don't know why she's so grim and nasty to me but I can never comprehend it. How someone can treat their own daughter that way. It just hurts and I walk away feeling angry and abused. Now I just avoid her, the problem is no one else in my immediate family can see how nasty she is in word,and deed and the dirty looks she gives. Only I see those things and as a woman now she still makes me shake in my boots just like she did when I was a child.

Back to my depression. What is Really frustrating is that the crisis services have changed in this area so yea don't talk to a trained nurse now on mental health line, and no direct access to crisis team. That
was really hard when I tried to call up yesterday they didn't know who I was and what I was about,

don't see how these services are advancing mental health treatment more like confusing the service user.  They don't exactly convince the caller to ring again when they are in trouble.



Update today is Monday had course this morning. Introduction to the programme for business studies, and had student id photo taken before racing off to make dbt in the hutt. Which I only have 6 weeks left till that's completed. Proud of how handled self today as I have definitely been in emotional mind and struggling with emotions, as of recent. So there were times when I felt very uncomfortable hence being a new student in a programme where u don't know anyone. Well try doing that whist having depression, yep not fun but carried myself off as capable, even though I was
shaking in my boots.



Back to course Tomorrow morning so nervous but also excited about that.



Dbt today was difficult due to my emotion mind but I had a breakthrough during mindfulness I was able to do the breathing exercises required of me for the first time, even though it was deep breathing it was progression for me from the place I had been previously as I have always had intense anxiety regarding the deep breathing exercises. So I thought wow progress!

staying staunch not working let's try talking NZ #preventsuicide

Am so angry and appauled by the judgement and stigma attached to mental illness still in New Zealand.
This judgemental spirit that lingers stops people who need to talk, and need support from reaching out to get it. They feel that it is weak, and goes against the harden up stay staunch persona that they are so called meant to display.

Because of keeping this persona of staying staunch they keep their issues to themselves and this quite often leads to their downfall.

Let's face it we have a high suicide rate in nz and the numbers just keep going up to our dismay.
So how can this be rectified. Well to start with will the rest of New Zealanders who don't have mental health issues, or depression just learn to lay off those who do.

It's not a weakness to come forward and share your story, your experiences living with and surviving mental health. It's also not a weakness to ask for help, say look I'm struggling, I'm finding life really tough and need some assistance.

It's also not a weakness to be someone who listens to their friends and family and members of the public that need a hearing ear in times of,need, who knows you could be saving a life. Isn't that worth the time spent with that person.

You may ask how do I talk to someone who's suicidal or down? Just approach them as you would a good friend, you can look for patterns in their behaviour and anything out of the ordinary like are they absent from Facebook a lot when previously they were posting stuff,  or they gone quiet and stopped hanging out at usual hangouts, they choosing to isolate themself that's a warning signal.

You can just send them a msg on Facebook like how are you? To get the lines of communication open. Draw them out. Or visit them, ring them on the phone. simply asking them are you ok goes a long way to opening the door to talking about whatever is bothering them.

You may have to hold the hope for someone for a time before they are ready to accept it back. Just being there in the background and staying involved. Notify the relevant authorities if you are worried about the persons welfare otherwise just be a good friend whom they can vent to, talk to, cry to whatever.

Sometimes you see more in a person than what they can see in themselves so point out things about that person that you admire, qualities, physical attributes, strength, have the confidence in the person that they are missing in themselves, it may be enough for that person to hear those things and live through another day.

You have to let that person know how valuable they are, and how much you would miss them if they weren't around, coz people in a depressed suicidal state cannot see their worth. They need you to see it for them and remember their positive points.

I've been lucky in that I have had a dear friend who's been my confidant and held the hope for me when I haven't seen it for myself. This person is extremely dear, I have also been lucky to have people that have pointed out the consequences of making a permanent decision. How impossible it is to take it back once it is made, and how it passes on your pain to the rest of your family and friends, to this date this has been a deciding factor.

I think it's so so important that people change their viewpoints surrounding suicidal people just being attention seekers
Most are not, they have just reached a point where they cannot bear the emotional pain they are carrying any longer and need to leave this life as they see no other way than death to rid themselves of this burden.

They arent selfish they are in deep psychological pain. They also feel they are doing everyone a favour by disappearing as they feel they are no fun to be around anymore and just burdening.
Its this we need to contridict talk about how important and valued these people are and how much of a hole would be left if they weren't around.

These are lifesaving conversations and very important.

Consequences follow every action

Share the consequences of them ending life  on the family community  country people who see and respond all affected by actions.

Truth.
Need it In order to make informed decisions.

Share what they would miss out on

keeping lines of communication open is key
Also maybe medication counseling

No shame in seeking help!!!

Staying staunch attitude not doing suicide statistics any favours so instead let's talk

Back again thinking out loud

Hi everyone,

Sorry to those of you who are following this blog for not posting anything lately.

Just been in a state that nothing I wrote made sense, or was positive, so it was like why, what's the point.

Guess I needed time out to get myself together.

The other day I forgot to pick up my medication this was a big mistake, you wouldn't think that missing two doses would make a great difference but it did. Man did it mess me up as well as the fact that I had no sleep either that night as there was a robbery at the service station on the main road, and the culprit was hiding. On our section from police and police dogs, and of course my dog went to town barking at what was happening. At the time we did not know what was going on but I knew my dog didn't bark at nothing, so rang police as my dog kept barking throughout the night and I knew this was unusual that's when they notified me police were in the area looking for someone and basically I was told to keep my doors and windows locked and stay inside. Of course I was a nervous wreck also feeling the effects of no mediation in my system and so had the lights on all night and could hear noises outside my bedroom window etc, was quite scary.
Lucky I had my pooch, he's great for company but security as well. Wouldn't be without him especially as a female.

So anyway the morning after this, after having no sleep all night and missed medication dose, I had an appointment. I couldn't pick up medication before appointment as ran out of time so was going to pick up when returned home as my chemist is in my town. Well I ended up not getting home till late Arvo and everything that could go wrong did, including my colour appointment for hair cancelled and also the battery in my phone dying on me when I am trying to find an address, and details to pick something up. Then I went to maccas for free wifi that didn't work and so ended up spending money getting phone topped up. Then went to see someone and they weren't at their office. Had paranoid thoughts that people were talking about me and stuff, and goodness knows how I was able to drive in my state but I managed.

Anyway got back on the pills yesterday and tonight I'm high as a kite, manic.
Horrible the complete opposite of depression low.
It's hard cos you feel like doing something risky. But I'm not going to I know better because of the dbt so instead I had a hot shower, put on pjs and had a hot milk, I'm still very awake. And all day I've been a chatterbox that wouldn't shut up, I've been very active on Facebook and posting etx, and talking to friends, can't concentrate on tv anything it's horrible when your mind is working 100 miles an hour, so instead  will just go with it and hopefully soon I get tired.

I've been thinking a lot of the tragedy of bobbi Kristina brown she's been moved to hospice care and end of life care a true tragedy just like her mother,  Whitney Houston,
I've been thinking about how she's in this state and what it's like for her family, she's a young girl that should be living her life instead they are burying her as she has lost brain function after being found in the bath and in coma , she's not Bobbi Kristina now and never will be again and that's really sad. Yeah I know she was grieving her moms death but I don't know if she realized what the outcome was going to be for her, or she did and wasn't in the right mind space, at the end of the day though what's done is done now and can't be undone, and it's a waste of a life that could of been something more. How sad for her family and friends that knew her, I've been following this case for many months with hope that she would regain brain function and have a life but it's not to be. Makes me think of the times I've almost wrecked my organs etc. once you do that on the mental health side it's very hard to get a donor organ, often impossible as preference goes to those who are not suffering with mental health issues. Because Its self inflicted.
Overdoses and sometimes it takes months for someone to die and it's very painful and basically some people get to the stage where's it's impossible to undo the damage done and basically they are waiting to die.
I was warned my last serious overdose of this fact.!
That you can reach the stage where you will die regardless because of your own actions. That would be the worst thing to be laying there with regret and not being able to take back those choices.

Makes you think, ?

I've forced myself to watch gruesome reality pictures of death so I get the true perspective of what it's about.
It's not a fantasy world and the pictures people see of the death are distressing, and real.
Reality is not pretty trust me doesn't matter how much makeup yr wearing or what trendy clothes your dressed in death is death.

At the end no matter what you believe death is the end of existing aswe know it
It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem,

You take away the chance of things getting better.

deceptive appearance (a poem original) 17.6.15

When you look my way you see nothing to
Disturb you
I appear together classy and free
But deceptive is this opinion you have
I'm held in chains
As captive to my mind
To my unreleased pain
The sorrow I feel could fill a whole book
Not a chapter
A whole novel of struggle of torture
Am I brave enough to write how I feel
Inside me
There are secret chambers
Filled with dark notions
Ghosts fill these rooms
A replay in my mind I'm the only one still watching
Over and over
How much is too much
For a tormented soul to bear
Does it only end
When you stop breathing

no instruction manual for life

Nobody ever hands you an instruction manual for life and yet there should be one, so you avoid the pitfalls, and the heart ache. There should be a map where clear directions are laid out and if you stay to the path you'll be okay. You will stay off the rocks.

Yes that would be the way life should be handled, but instead the inexperienced, naive, young follow a course that leads them to a completely different point.

If only you could turn to a certain page in the instruction manual and know exactly why you were put in that spot.
why were you made to face that amount of emotional pain?
what made you the un lucky one to have a mother as cruel as she?
what did you ever do to have people running the other direction from you?

answers that never seem to come.

what do you do when your heart never feels filled again, when you have lost that spirited self,
when grief overcomes you.

what do you do when you want to say goodbye more than hello.

when your friends are planning their lives and your planning to end yours.

how can you explain to someone close to you that you biggest dream is not to travel but to be laying in a coffin dead.
they would think you nutty.
whats wrong they would say, you look fine on the outside, you seem okay, you have plenty of hope of finding a decent bloke, why give up?
how do you explain that the torture you endure is not seen.


you can do a full circle and return to a point but at this point you tend to look again at your decision making and feel your a failure that you have allowed negativity in again.

The obsession I have surrounding death and suicide is my OCD and aspergers syndrome, but its also taunting me daily

Suicide always feels like it has the upper hand and I don't know how to let this card player leave the table, he's been such a friend.

I know that fantasy of death is an illusion, that its a mirage, and the cold plain truth opens your eyes.
but I try and tell myself this and all my mind hears is it is the way to go.

So will suicide take captive another victim.

thats not something that can be answered yet but in time.

The honest truth

I write the honest truth
to avail myself of it
to know whats in my head and my heart

I write the honest truth
to no where Ill part
where I started from.

I write the honest truth
cos if I don't
who's going to write on  my behalf

The honest truth is difficult to accept sometimes.
sometimes its a kick in the guts
other times its like looking into a mirror
and you don't like the reflection you see
as a monster stares back at you

The honest truth sometimes tells you to quit
other times it tells you to keep going
despite being in pain.

the screams
the cries of hatred for this life.
please don't take me as prisoner
the aching of knowing your not free from your thoughts

that your history has made you this way

There is no mask when the honest truth comes out and shares
its story
its shame
its eventual end.

the makeup is cleared away, the clothing does not matter
you cannot hide who you are
underneath that sweater

the honest truth has a way of lurking
and getting its own version heard.


Yes you want to scream
you want to cry but the tears don't fall
you want to punch the first object that comes into view

you stare at that image
and for a second its not you.

The honest truth
the expos'e
the paper front page
news story


are you coming or going in this life

You feel this immense pain from things that have happened.
you want to hurt those people who have hurt you
you feel like you cause pain and are a burden to those around you
and you cant live with the emotional pain and loss


do you even know
are you a survivor, or another victim of suicide.

before the honest truth makes its announcement!

DBT SAVES LIVES, CREATES LIVES WORTH LIVING/ skills/crisis strategies/ not afraid of feelings

Went to therapy today and realised just how far I had come, suddenly Im talking about the future and goals, where Im directing myself.

Let me just say that was not where I was at, not long ago.

Im proud to say I am 6 months clear from my last real serious suicide attempt.

Through Dbt I am putting into practice the coping strategies I have learnt. Including Distress Tolerance skills.

I will often now when I am feeling really intense emotions, go and have a hot or cold shower. I find a steamy hot shower, helps get the emotion out, and you can cry it out, shout or scream in the shower. Leaving everything inside the shower box and coming out clean and brand new.

Its like a death to the old you. You come out bright sparkling and new, normally with hair being washed and a clean body.

I also use ice cubes and touch them when I feel an intense need to feel pain, and want to hurt myself. It sounds passive to say so but it does create the same sort of feeling, that discomfort, but without permanent damage to your body.

I use blogging now as a way of getting my feelings and thoughts onto the screen and once they are away and separate from my mind it helps because you feel a feeling of freedom. They are not torturing you over and over in your mind.

When I'm tempted to do something destructive I utilise the skills of pros and cons and wise mind.  and realise that if I did engage in that activity even though its short term relief the results, and consequences of it are not ideal, and well your either going to end up dead as another suicide statistic, and consequently putting your pain onto others your friends and family or you are going to end up in ED, police station, having to cope with mental health services, and it does not seem worth it.

You know too that every time you do something destructive you are going a step backwards and not showing you are capable of dealing with yourself, your emotions, and you stay stuck stuck in a mental health unwell hell that you just do not want to be in.

So a lot of the time I will still entertain the thought of doing something permanent due to a very unhappy self, intense emotional pain but doing it holds different consequences.

When I am in a state I try to put into place DBT skills, and end up taking my medication and heading to bed, or distracting myself with some other positive activity. or ringing the mental health crisis line for help.

Once upon a time before DBT I would of engaged in dangerous destructive  behaviours cos I was desperate but now I have these skills up my sleeve it just doesn't seem worth destroying myself.

I cant believe I just wrote what i did.
Shows I am changing.


Yes I have moments like everyone that I am definitely at risk to myself but they become further and further apart because I know better now.

I know when to ask for help, when to make contact with people, and how to talk to a supportive friend a confidant mentor, who lets me just be myself and share how I feel honest and openly and we can work out solutions together productively. They are also great at distracting me from my issues.

Its my honesty that keeps me alive and makes me a fighter.

Im not one to hide how I feel anymore. Honesty is the key

We should not be afraid to share how we feel!