I ponder (warning triggering post)

So when I consider how I'm feeling its not where I should be feeling wise at this stage of my life. People would say you have a lot to live for and a husband and children to bear but all I can see is the pain and suffering that I go through on a daily basis.

I wonder if this is enough reason to give up. I wonder how much more I can take and its starring me in the face the haunting question of suicide, whether to go down that route or to avoid it at all costs.

I know at a certain point the decision is no longer a decision and the desire is overtaken and you are speeding towards it at a pace. I know at a certain time that the decision will be out of my hands and I either live or die pertaining to my actions and the consequences of those actions.

I know that once I reach that point my life is done and i cannot go back, or change my mind. I cannot hug my family for the last time, I cannot plan to have or do anything as I will just be gone.

Yet that thought gives me peace, that I will just be gone, and sprinkled ashes.

Its not the cowards way out far from that its hard to make the decision. Its not selfish either as many would think it would be its a matter of self preservation by taking your life in your own way.

Its a matter of not waking up in pain everyday of your life.

I watch videos showing the consequences of suicide on the family but still that does not reach me. Im not stone cold but have put up with way too much pain and my heart is heavy with the burden of loving but not feeling loved. Heavy with the burdens of too many years of painful memories friends that left me and yet wanted to come back.

living with mental illness not an easy trek and some would say I have done well to stay as strong as I can for so long, but I really feel I am running out of my strength and what I can take thus far
so to leave would that be so bad if it finally enables me to find peace and rest.. and those around me will be better not having the burden of having an unwell family member or friend.


I ponder.