into the new year 2016

So its the first day of the year 2016.

The year has started well with a beautiful sunny day! I have spent time in reflection and contemplating my next steps along this road.

I am withdrawing from one of my medications and whilst this is giving me unwanted side effects its also been improving my mood state to a certain degree.

I intend to continue on in reducing the dosage of my medications slowly tapering off.
I have an appointment to get a fresh perspective from another psychiatrist in the middle of January. Hopefully he is flexible to reducing the dose, if not will continue anyway.

Soul surfer is on tv - the movie, i love this movie its so inspirational. A true story about a girl surfer who was a victim of a shark attack and lost her arm. but what is remarkable is her attitude about her circumstances and the willing spirit to get up and go for what she believed in, what she was passionate about. For her that was surfing and winning a championship, or at least competing.
She also goes to the Philippines for a visit, with her church group and sees life from another angle, the devastation of the tsunami and that really there are people out in the world with bigger problems, and learns not to just feel sorry for herself.
She learns in the end that her life isn't over its just beginning.
The shark didn't kill you your still here your still alive! says her father.

Another favourite movie of mine is Pay it forward watch it this weekend and you will burst into tears.
but the principles behind it are so admirable, and if everyone paid it forward like that did a good deed or something for one person, and passed it on, well the world would be a better place. Fostering generosity and kindness to everyone.

So delighted to see my seedlings my sunflower plants starting to come up. Its a strange feeling you get when you are nurturing plants, and contributing to your own garden, the responsibility to water your plants, and watch them carefully. I did not realise how enjoyable it could be to have my own garden. Next i would like to plant some roses and do myself a little veggie garden.

Since being home from Auckland I have been stepping up my exercise regime. Definite walks daily with the dog, but I want to do more than this. I have cut back on calorie intake, and portion sizes. Trying to slim down. Im not fat but I believe that part of how you feel comes from the way you perceive yourself. I know I'm the only one who can change that perspective of who I am. I know that I feel better usually when i am in a certain size range, and feel confident when i look good. With that give and take, to achieve a certain size it is essential that I restrict myself the foods i eat. I do not feel I am missing out though no I am gaining the body I desire.


I realised something whilst I was away. That I still have the same values, beliefs, and that I want to embrace them. That I want to do more than that and share what I know with others which means this year I will be putting myself headfirst into activities in my church.  I am also saving up for a car cos this will be needed.

I gained so much from my trip to Auckland, including the facts that I can independently travel without any hiccups, that I can rely on myself to use public transport and not get over whelmed by how large Auckland is. I learnt my limits, what I can and cannot accept, my values, my beliefs. I learnt the value of friendship and how important it is to cultivate and take care of it.  I experienced a different culture and type of food.


I will be taking more trips in the not too distant future. I will enjoy my singleness whilst I have it, no tie downs, and can go anywhere I please.


2016 NO LIMITS

Taking a break

So this week I find myself in a completely different environment to I'm used to. Instead of my small rural township I'm currently in Auckland in papakura.

I'm very new to Auckland and its charms, I don't remember visiting this city but I know I probably have in the past a long time ago probably in my teens.

I have been spoilt with the joy of Auckland and its many shopping malls and vast locations. Including mission bay, which has a holiday a vibe to it.

I have to say I want to return to Auckland and spend more time here.

The only drawbacks as far as I can see up here are the ridiculously high housing prices, and the traffic that you have to navigate through to get anywhere. Apart from that it's my sort of city.

I came up here originally for my friends wedding which was beautiful by the way she looked amazing as like she was an Indian princess I am so happy for her and her new husband and they are so well suited to eachother.

Whilst I am up here I am looking into the services available to help me to withdraw from the cocktail of medications that mental health have put me on. I will update you if I have any successes. I'm not holding my breath but I'm getting nowhere with my team in the wairarapa so it's worth a try.

In fact with my team In the wairarapa I have written an official complaint as to how I have been treated to date, all they have done is put me through dbt therapy but I only got that in the end cos I kept asking and threatened suicide.  But after the events surrounding my recent attempt I had to say something to the dhb. I won't know the response to my complaint until after Christmas and New Years, but at least I have the commissioner on my side.

Today I had plans of going out but that didn't happen due to having a bad stomach so instead watched the Christmas movies on tv and hung out at home.

Anyway that's me will be back to wairarapa on Saturday so not long left of my trip. Ur will definately be back up here one way or the other.

Until my next post.

no title just emotion

To the people who have walked away thank you
You have walked away because you cant handle the truth
I have lived with the truth every single day of my life.
for 32 years
and yes I haven't walked away

I cannot explain to you how it made me feel
all those thoughts of abandonment and isolation came back to me in droves.
because you blocked me
no longer wanted to be my friend, my mentor, my confidant.

You so called said you would stand by me
but at the site of a challenge you decided you couldn't not stand beside me no longer


I will never understand how people who advocate for mental illness
and help others with depression cannot stand beside someone who is really suffering
and planning to take her life with her own hand.


why couldn't you just be a positive force.

the hurt is beyond words. because all the abandonment thats happened to me previously has been uncovered.




so who's the winner...