into the new year 2016

So its the first day of the year 2016.

The year has started well with a beautiful sunny day! I have spent time in reflection and contemplating my next steps along this road.

I am withdrawing from one of my medications and whilst this is giving me unwanted side effects its also been improving my mood state to a certain degree.

I intend to continue on in reducing the dosage of my medications slowly tapering off.
I have an appointment to get a fresh perspective from another psychiatrist in the middle of January. Hopefully he is flexible to reducing the dose, if not will continue anyway.

Soul surfer is on tv - the movie, i love this movie its so inspirational. A true story about a girl surfer who was a victim of a shark attack and lost her arm. but what is remarkable is her attitude about her circumstances and the willing spirit to get up and go for what she believed in, what she was passionate about. For her that was surfing and winning a championship, or at least competing.
She also goes to the Philippines for a visit, with her church group and sees life from another angle, the devastation of the tsunami and that really there are people out in the world with bigger problems, and learns not to just feel sorry for herself.
She learns in the end that her life isn't over its just beginning.
The shark didn't kill you your still here your still alive! says her father.

Another favourite movie of mine is Pay it forward watch it this weekend and you will burst into tears.
but the principles behind it are so admirable, and if everyone paid it forward like that did a good deed or something for one person, and passed it on, well the world would be a better place. Fostering generosity and kindness to everyone.

So delighted to see my seedlings my sunflower plants starting to come up. Its a strange feeling you get when you are nurturing plants, and contributing to your own garden, the responsibility to water your plants, and watch them carefully. I did not realise how enjoyable it could be to have my own garden. Next i would like to plant some roses and do myself a little veggie garden.

Since being home from Auckland I have been stepping up my exercise regime. Definite walks daily with the dog, but I want to do more than this. I have cut back on calorie intake, and portion sizes. Trying to slim down. Im not fat but I believe that part of how you feel comes from the way you perceive yourself. I know I'm the only one who can change that perspective of who I am. I know that I feel better usually when i am in a certain size range, and feel confident when i look good. With that give and take, to achieve a certain size it is essential that I restrict myself the foods i eat. I do not feel I am missing out though no I am gaining the body I desire.


I realised something whilst I was away. That I still have the same values, beliefs, and that I want to embrace them. That I want to do more than that and share what I know with others which means this year I will be putting myself headfirst into activities in my church.  I am also saving up for a car cos this will be needed.

I gained so much from my trip to Auckland, including the facts that I can independently travel without any hiccups, that I can rely on myself to use public transport and not get over whelmed by how large Auckland is. I learnt my limits, what I can and cannot accept, my values, my beliefs. I learnt the value of friendship and how important it is to cultivate and take care of it.  I experienced a different culture and type of food.


I will be taking more trips in the not too distant future. I will enjoy my singleness whilst I have it, no tie downs, and can go anywhere I please.


2016 NO LIMITS

Taking a break

So this week I find myself in a completely different environment to I'm used to. Instead of my small rural township I'm currently in Auckland in papakura.

I'm very new to Auckland and its charms, I don't remember visiting this city but I know I probably have in the past a long time ago probably in my teens.

I have been spoilt with the joy of Auckland and its many shopping malls and vast locations. Including mission bay, which has a holiday a vibe to it.

I have to say I want to return to Auckland and spend more time here.

The only drawbacks as far as I can see up here are the ridiculously high housing prices, and the traffic that you have to navigate through to get anywhere. Apart from that it's my sort of city.

I came up here originally for my friends wedding which was beautiful by the way she looked amazing as like she was an Indian princess I am so happy for her and her new husband and they are so well suited to eachother.

Whilst I am up here I am looking into the services available to help me to withdraw from the cocktail of medications that mental health have put me on. I will update you if I have any successes. I'm not holding my breath but I'm getting nowhere with my team in the wairarapa so it's worth a try.

In fact with my team In the wairarapa I have written an official complaint as to how I have been treated to date, all they have done is put me through dbt therapy but I only got that in the end cos I kept asking and threatened suicide.  But after the events surrounding my recent attempt I had to say something to the dhb. I won't know the response to my complaint until after Christmas and New Years, but at least I have the commissioner on my side.

Today I had plans of going out but that didn't happen due to having a bad stomach so instead watched the Christmas movies on tv and hung out at home.

Anyway that's me will be back to wairarapa on Saturday so not long left of my trip. Ur will definately be back up here one way or the other.

Until my next post.

no title just emotion

To the people who have walked away thank you
You have walked away because you cant handle the truth
I have lived with the truth every single day of my life.
for 32 years
and yes I haven't walked away

I cannot explain to you how it made me feel
all those thoughts of abandonment and isolation came back to me in droves.
because you blocked me
no longer wanted to be my friend, my mentor, my confidant.

You so called said you would stand by me
but at the site of a challenge you decided you couldn't not stand beside me no longer


I will never understand how people who advocate for mental illness
and help others with depression cannot stand beside someone who is really suffering
and planning to take her life with her own hand.


why couldn't you just be a positive force.

the hurt is beyond words. because all the abandonment thats happened to me previously has been uncovered.




so who's the winner...

misunderstood by MHT

Saw my psychologist last week and the cold reception I got I was not prepared for.

Yes I had missed two appointments but I was sick and had good reasons for not coming. But none of those reasons meant anything to this lady sitting opposite me. I felt judged, I felt that she saw me as a no hoper.

Does she realise how much I am struggling to stay alive!
I tell her just a portion of whats going on in my mind and automatically she's saying to me just make some goals, you don't want to have a career in mental health services do you.

My answer to that is I am doing everything I can to survive this illness but its too much for me to handle.

Im severely depressed, and not at a place where I can snap out of how I'm feeling, i wish i could. trust me. Goal setting  is impossible right now its more a minute by minute thing.

Im not even sleeping - having insomnia. not getting to sleep till early hours of the morning. Despite good sleep hygiene

The way my psychologist talked to me it was like she felt that I was wasting her time, and not getting better.
I would like to see her be me for one day and see how she manages this its not a walk in the park!

The only good thing about my appointment was that I left the room with my DBT certificate for the programme i attended last year. Also she has put forth a referral to pathways for a support worker, to help me.

She has said theres not much more that mental health services can do for my circumstances, and that if i wish I can be discharged to my GP she has asked me to think about it carefully. Then I can be referred for EMDR and trauma therapy somewhere local.


I started going down this track but the lady who was taking the EMDR Therapy acknowledged she wasn't experienced enough to help me and my type of trauma. So back to finding someone who actually can help.

Tried to go to church on Sunday got dressed up for it, but had major panic attack and anxiety and couldn't get myself out of the door. Even still thats a win just to get that far when PTSD is majorly affecting me and my life.

have had to reach out this week to people as not coping well.


oh well Monday today.

I ponder (warning triggering post)

So when I consider how I'm feeling its not where I should be feeling wise at this stage of my life. People would say you have a lot to live for and a husband and children to bear but all I can see is the pain and suffering that I go through on a daily basis.

I wonder if this is enough reason to give up. I wonder how much more I can take and its starring me in the face the haunting question of suicide, whether to go down that route or to avoid it at all costs.

I know at a certain point the decision is no longer a decision and the desire is overtaken and you are speeding towards it at a pace. I know at a certain time that the decision will be out of my hands and I either live or die pertaining to my actions and the consequences of those actions.

I know that once I reach that point my life is done and i cannot go back, or change my mind. I cannot hug my family for the last time, I cannot plan to have or do anything as I will just be gone.

Yet that thought gives me peace, that I will just be gone, and sprinkled ashes.

Its not the cowards way out far from that its hard to make the decision. Its not selfish either as many would think it would be its a matter of self preservation by taking your life in your own way.

Its a matter of not waking up in pain everyday of your life.

I watch videos showing the consequences of suicide on the family but still that does not reach me. Im not stone cold but have put up with way too much pain and my heart is heavy with the burden of loving but not feeling loved. Heavy with the burdens of too many years of painful memories friends that left me and yet wanted to come back.

living with mental illness not an easy trek and some would say I have done well to stay as strong as I can for so long, but I really feel I am running out of my strength and what I can take thus far
so to leave would that be so bad if it finally enables me to find peace and rest.. and those around me will be better not having the burden of having an unwell family member or friend.


I ponder.

unable to cry

Once again I am crying inside and want to show the emotion on the outside, but my tears won't come I'm staying staunch, Im trying to be brave.

Its horrible screaming and crying and knowing nobody can make you feel better, nobody can take away the agony that befalls you.

I don't know how to explain it in terms that the regular reader would understand.

When you have been let down so much by so many people that you thought you could trust and others that were your friends and have walked away and said goodbye

You try to survive day by day. But I know already that the suffering is too much and Im not sure how much more can be handled. By both my health and those who respond negatively towards it. When can I honestly turn around and say enough is enough Im out.

Seeking, searching for help and answers. Medication that actually does something.

but no answers to be found in medication, only in strategies to manage day by day.

but even that does not manage the Chaos of the mind

I ask myself often what is my purpose here, why was I put through all of this pain. Why does it have such a grip on me..

and it hurts.

Smiling Depression

"SMILING DEPRESSION"

A person has this when they are deeply depressed but look on the surface to be functioning daily they laugh they smile, they act like nothing is wrong.

but something is!

It is often not picked up  - ROBIN WILLIAMS - a comedian hiding his depression by laughter.
we did not know his pain until too late.


How many in our communities have this SMILING DEPRESSION.

its easy to hide it.

I know myself I've been guilty of this and mental health services haven't been able to discern the truth in the past. Its also hard to get services to believe you need help because your so called "high functioning" You "Look Good" "Pretty"  "independent"
so how do you get the CATT team and those so called mental health sector professionals to view you differently?

Should it really matter that someone walks in unshaven, untidy, looking terrible.
do all Depressed individuals really need to look that way in order to be treated seriously?

Shouldn't there be less judgement!

Shouldn't a person be believed by what they say and do, not discriminated against because of the way they look, talk.

If I laugh it doesn't automatically mean I'm happy so don't assume I am! Im hiding how I feel but nervous laughter, I'm trying to lighten the way I feel...by telling a joke.

Ive been in hospital after overdosing and just because I'm a good communicator the Catt team have got the impression that Im fine, and can be sent home, despite a mental health advocate telling them how desperate this individual is and what a risk they would take.
Is there something I'm missing here. do the Catt team not know about Smiling Depression.

Over time you learn to hide how you feel cos nobody wants to hear it. So smiling depression is part of how you get on with it all. You try and get on with life like everyone else even though you don't feel the way others feel.

Im saying that Smiling Depression is not easy for the person living with it daily, but its also not easy to diagnose when your a clinican but its important to see whats happening below the surface and not always take people on face value.