appreciating the little things

Today my mood I hope to improve when i see the sunshine outside, put out my outside table and chairs, and sit there eating my mornings breakfast of porridge. The sun is bearing down on me but I don't mind the heat the sun all seems worthwhile, better than being cold, how I've been so many times this month passed. So I sit there the sun and the blue sky beckons on me, and I look up in wonder at how beautiful this day has turned out. I have appreciation for the sight i see and wonder why I cant see it with these clear eyes of amazement everyday. Why does my brain tell me that this world is nothing special when I see such a sight that makes me in awe of creation.

I don't know how to explain the changes I have in my mood and temperament one to the next, the extremes when I just want to be normal. But the sky and its beauty is something I CANT DENY. Even in the hardest of times those are the memories I take out of my treasure drove. They are the gems I capture with my eyes, why take a picture when you can take a lasting memory in your brain just by using mindfulness and being present to your surroundings. I find I remember it when I use my eyes like a camera. click.

I take the renewed energy I feel from the sun bearing down on me to use the opportunity to clean my surroundings inside with the door open letting in the light and the breeze. I sort out my jewellery, my possessions and my clothing, things that make me feel good when the day may not be such.

I also take time to put together my memory board with bits of jewellery and photos, things that mean something to me. My grandfathers picture goes on this board, he's passed away now but the memories of him live on. A photo of myself with  my cousins, and a photo of myself as a 12 year old girl standing beside my little brother. I wonder who that girl is in the picture. I wonder if i have grown from her naive ways..

I stand back and look at what I have created and am pleased.

I then realise there is more to be done, and theres more to be captured.

waking up to sunshine

So today I wake up to beautiful blue skies outside, and somehow the day seems to be okay and able to be endured. The heat, the warmth of the sun and the chance to wear summer outfits, all beckons and I am grateful that I'm still alive to see this sight.  I hop out of bed and eat my daily portion of porridge, that fills me up and makes me not eat as much as I could for the day. I know that the weather out there is cheering me to come out for a walk in the sunshine, walking the dog walking myself and feeling the heat of the day on my back. My mood improves with walking around suddenly I am connected to the world and the people in it.

when a friend defriends u.

Tonight a friend of mine a dear friend of mine decided to call it quits and not talk to me anymore. Now this has been a friend who I have had for 3 years and has been a friend and a mentor to me. He said he feels like I am going to suicide and he cant be around for that.

Emotionally I can understand from his point of view, but obviously its hard when you are doing what you can to bring yourself back into check after having severe depression which seems to be ongoing.

Its not as if i am just sitting twindling my thumbs I am actively trying to help myself despite being so suicidal and ready to give up. I know family and friends don't want that, but even that isn't enough for  me.

Two weeks ago i attempted and almost succeeded it breaks my heart that i didnt,. It breaks my heart because my heart is broken every single day in this world.

My heart is broken when people leave me, when they ignore me I just cant take it.

So yes i am trying to see it just as a short break where this person is having a break to recover for themselves but its difficult when we have been friends for so long and now he has put me in the too hard basket.

It doesn't make me feel wanted in this world, and its a feeling I would not like to put on anyone.

I hate that people look at my diagnosis and judge me from that, as i am more than that diagnosis and i have actively tried to not let that diagnosis hold me back.

I feel very upset this evening.

I don't want to be this person anymore.