surviving is just too painful

When your heart aches like mine does you wonder if you are best to give up the ghost and run from life, as surviving it is just too painful.

Everyone including your family urges you to continue along the life path. But do they truly understand your suffering. How can they if they are not in your shoes, walking your path.

Sometimes I wish just for one day they could realise, and be privy to what is going on in my head, the constant chatter, demands, critic, the backlash that goes on and the warring of trying to be normal but not feeling so.
if they could feel it, and understand they could feel the gulp that I feel of terrible anxiety. The pit of my stomach painful, and nauseous

I wish they realised just how quick the switch can be turned in my mind and I can go from not thinking about something to obsessing about it, and planning it to a tee. It just happens.

Although I have strategies now its really hard to convince your brain that plagued with suffering thats felt on a daily basis, that its worth hanging around for the next season.

I still have the attitude and I think my family have this same attitude that I am around for as long as I will and theres no surprise in their minds or my own if one day I call it quits. We have spoken over this fact already and the eventuality of that will just be dealt with in time.

I want this terrible burden to be lifted. But not in this lifetime will that happen, i just have to learn to cope and I don't know if thats enough of a solution for me.

What facade of a life can I hope to live when I'm battling suicidal thoughts and idelation as a constant companion is it really that easy to turn and look the other way and stop yourself from falling.

So many times I'm on the cusp of crying but nothing comes out I cant even show, instead staying brave.
This is not the life I envisioned for myself its a sham and a mockery that who I was has changed into this person whom I do not know, I cannot acknowledge. Somewhere I have got deeply scarred and hurt and I'm bleeding on the inside.

who's the girl in the previous posts

Ok rereading my last post I'm like who is this girl? the article and blog sounds like its written by someone else it sounds so different to how I am at this moment.

Im hurting so much. I don't know why exactly but I know I'm very suicidal.

Im waking up in the night and wanting to be dead.

It doesn't make sense the way I am feeling as I have good things going for me at the moment. so why would I be so suicidal and wanting to give up life? I do not know.

I have no answers

it just feels like every day i am feeling worse and worse. When I ring mental health services they tell me just to use my dbt skills. Damn it people have already tried that, not working.

Wish they would get it. You don't ask for help unless you really need it.

Also the other problem is there are no crisis respite beds available. So left at home to suffer. tell me how thats helpful on the suicidal individual please?

My dear friend is out of action at the moment with schitzophrenia as well and he's been one of my major support people. But its no good talking to someone when they are not making sense.

Other so called friends have walked away, they view me as in the too hard basket.  Its strange when you really need people there aren't many around.


Please if you care reach out as I really need to talk to someone and finding it hard to do that.



they have these ads on destigmatising mental health,wish that would happen.
just seems judgmental individuals are everywhere.

on my path

Just when you think your alone, the answers come to you how to handle anxiety how to cope.
Someone out there is keeping me going and I cant help but feel thankful for that.

I have had overwhelming anxiety attacks this week especially which haven't been able to be shut down  early and I'm  struggling to handle them appropriately.  Ive been trying all my dbt skills but just nothing worked so took medication and waited and went to bed.

Shutting yourself down when your on a tangent is hard. I didn't even understand why I was having the overwhelming anxiety, I just felt like life was ending, and determined to end it. The fear was so paralyzing putting me in a state of terror, and literally taking my power away. I tried to do the wave thing that dbt recommends but it wasn't like a wave it was stronger than anything I had dealt with for a while, and just felt like one course of action was the only course of action.

What do you do when you have those sort of attacks. they are paralyzing and screw with you and make u feel like you have no chance but to follow their course of action.

there is a big part of me that doesn't want to open the door to what can happen next in life due to fear and apprehension, and would rather die than live.

but on the other side of that its also exciting if I allow myself to walk forward and see whats around the corner on my path.

Its never been exciting life for me,. well i say that for the last 9 years it hasn't been exciting.  But maybe life is about to change.

Im upskilling at Ucol - putting myself on the right track in order to get a really good job outside of my family business. I graduate in November.
I am meeting lots of nice people.

I am also back on herbal life which helps me look great losing weight, and helps too with energy and mood.

Im trying to let people back in my life which is difficult but not impossible. I cant keep living life in my head my head is a lonely place, and with the level of pain I have had I deserve the same level in happiness.

Im watching all my cousins and friends marrying and having children and I am sitting on the sidelines which I don't want to do.

Im more than my illness, and have the strategies now to handle it appropriately and when I don't have the skills to do so there are people I can call out to, to get needed assistance.

I am proud of the fact that in a few weeks I am due to graduate from a years programme of DBT treatment. This has not been an easy year, but the more that I have put these skills into practice through homework and everyday use the easier it has been to empower and help myself to get through hard moments.

Also I now appreciate the little moments in life.. mindfulness.

A real key defining moment for me was when Bobbi Kristina died, in a coma. she was brain dead. At only 20 years of age. At that moment I decided that was not going to be my outcome.
Its not fair on my family and friends, so I have to do all I can to keep going in life despite the inside pain I feel.

 Every day of my life I know suicide could be my outcome if I let it but I choose to hang in there for family and friends, and stay strong. Its been drummed into me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When you see the damage left on those left behind, its not loving to put people through that despite how much you try and justify it on the bad days.

Now I have my grandma living with us as well so thats another reason to stay strong.

Im worth more than throwing it all away and being a corpse.


I have to believe that.

depression

Feeling like shit just going to say it.

I don't know why I feel like shit.

I know that my grandma has moved in upstairs and my living situation has completely changed. The dynamics have changed, and since granny has moved in I do not feel important at all.

I feel like my parents and grandma view me as a nuisance, and that its a chore for them to have me come up to see them, they are always trying to get rid of me. So I wonder how they would feel if I permanently was to disappear.

Would they miss me if one day I happened to not be around, would they regret taking me for granted.

I just feel like a nothing in their books.

Mum gets all argumentative about everything, and every thing I say and do is a hassle to see and hear its easier just to stay away and isolate myself than put myself through continual rejection cos thats what it is.

I am filled with anger and resentment, and just feel like exploding everywhere.

I don't feel loved, and I am struggling to find that within as well, when I am treated so harshly.

Im feeling very unsettled with dbt finishing shortly as well.

I have started having health shakes, and I am back on herbalife, but yes my mood has definitely taken a turn for the worse, tremendous depression has set in.

I know the doctor did play with my dosage of antidepressants so that could account for some of my depression
but
Its so hard I don't want to struggle

and its so difficult to stop hearing these persecuting voices telling me what a useless BITCH i am.

and once again I'm headed for the exit button.

because I cant stand the person I see looking back at me in the mirror!