on my path

Just when you think your alone, the answers come to you how to handle anxiety how to cope.
Someone out there is keeping me going and I cant help but feel thankful for that.

I have had overwhelming anxiety attacks this week especially which haven't been able to be shut down  early and I'm  struggling to handle them appropriately.  Ive been trying all my dbt skills but just nothing worked so took medication and waited and went to bed.

Shutting yourself down when your on a tangent is hard. I didn't even understand why I was having the overwhelming anxiety, I just felt like life was ending, and determined to end it. The fear was so paralyzing putting me in a state of terror, and literally taking my power away. I tried to do the wave thing that dbt recommends but it wasn't like a wave it was stronger than anything I had dealt with for a while, and just felt like one course of action was the only course of action.

What do you do when you have those sort of attacks. they are paralyzing and screw with you and make u feel like you have no chance but to follow their course of action.

there is a big part of me that doesn't want to open the door to what can happen next in life due to fear and apprehension, and would rather die than live.

but on the other side of that its also exciting if I allow myself to walk forward and see whats around the corner on my path.

Its never been exciting life for me,. well i say that for the last 9 years it hasn't been exciting.  But maybe life is about to change.

Im upskilling at Ucol - putting myself on the right track in order to get a really good job outside of my family business. I graduate in November.
I am meeting lots of nice people.

I am also back on herbal life which helps me look great losing weight, and helps too with energy and mood.

Im trying to let people back in my life which is difficult but not impossible. I cant keep living life in my head my head is a lonely place, and with the level of pain I have had I deserve the same level in happiness.

Im watching all my cousins and friends marrying and having children and I am sitting on the sidelines which I don't want to do.

Im more than my illness, and have the strategies now to handle it appropriately and when I don't have the skills to do so there are people I can call out to, to get needed assistance.

I am proud of the fact that in a few weeks I am due to graduate from a years programme of DBT treatment. This has not been an easy year, but the more that I have put these skills into practice through homework and everyday use the easier it has been to empower and help myself to get through hard moments.

Also I now appreciate the little moments in life.. mindfulness.

A real key defining moment for me was when Bobbi Kristina died, in a coma. she was brain dead. At only 20 years of age. At that moment I decided that was not going to be my outcome.
Its not fair on my family and friends, so I have to do all I can to keep going in life despite the inside pain I feel.

 Every day of my life I know suicide could be my outcome if I let it but I choose to hang in there for family and friends, and stay strong. Its been drummed into me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When you see the damage left on those left behind, its not loving to put people through that despite how much you try and justify it on the bad days.

Now I have my grandma living with us as well so thats another reason to stay strong.

Im worth more than throwing it all away and being a corpse.


I have to believe that.