stabbings to the heart, who's accountable

I'm feeling stuck, not a nice place to be.

I want to move and get out of this situation but I don't want to move till have guarenteed employment and accommodation.

So instead am grinning and bearing life and looking out for employment opportunities everywhere I can.

It's hard though, and it's lonely.

I feel very unloved in my current situation, my parents are narcissistic and only out for what's good for them. I always have to do something in return for them. There are always conditions to acceptance and so called being a daughter.


Yes I want to see them suffer, even though to lose me I don't know if that is really a punishment because they begrudge my presence anyways.

I'm left crying inside wondering why I was never acceptable. Why they are capable of not loving.
I'm never gonna get the love I deserved from them and that hurts, it stabs me like a thousand knives.

So what do I do now?

Radical acceptance of the situation I have found myself in, and the cold careless nature of those who were meant to be my protectors. My nurturers. They have never been.
No wonder I have felt so abandoned and continue to feel this way.

Something really hurts inside me and there are no words, and no solace to take away this feeling.

I'm so broken

Was I ever whole? I do not know.
If only I could of had what other children experience a warm, relationship.

They don't understand the damage they cause by their words, and their actions.

They literally take a wounded creature and Impail her over and over.
She's bleeding on the outside and the inside.

The torment and the cycle of abuse continues until it's stopped suddenly by actions.

But who should be accountable ?

Toxic relationship parents

Why do you submit me to this treatment
Make me feel small
Does it make you feel tall
To put down the little lady

You tower over me
You swear and curse
And bully me by your words

You involve my father
Yes he's stuck and of course takes your side
And leaves the little lady reeling.

How dare she try to fight back
You torment her soul
You make her feel powerless
Like your the only one with the control


People tell the little lady to run
But running seems foreign
When your used to the stabs and the forever pains.




She knows it's not healthy and she's fighting her instincts
To talk back sharply or suicide
Cos she wants to hurt them
As deep as they have hurt her.
She's a wounded bird
Wants to fly away
But the need and the ability seem to lack.

She knows it'll be the undoing of her


If she continues Under their ropes
But the scared child
Is petrified of making a move

So who's going to win
This hand of poker

She needs to listen to her friends and run not looking back.

Stop fooling herself
That they can change


Costhey won't
And all she will receive Is  heartache

There's always conditions to their love
To their time and resources




Never is it given freely
They always want something back in return




She has to face facts they are toxic parents.
They are never gonna give her the love she deserves
She has to find that somewhere else
And nurture herself
It's a heartbreaking lesson
But facing the truth hurts sometimes
They are never gonna say sorry

Massive Void left on TV3 shame on you Media works, cancelling CAMPBELL LIVE.

So Campbell Live has just finished broadcasting the last ever show.

I am left feeling this massive Void just like I am sure the rest of New Zealand is feeling!

How did we get to this point where the best show apart from Fair Go, advocating for the little guy is taken off the air? and to be replaced with what ROAD COPS!

Please tell me how watching idiots being chased, pursued and charged is going to help everyday New Zealanders?  If anything it encourages crime, and being rebellious to the authorities.

So we are replacing a great current events line up show with a show about chasing  teenage reckless wannabes. Just doesn't make any sense!

Media works is completely off their tree, if you ask me. Too much pressure from the government etc to shut up John Campbell and the Campbell Live team - why ?
Because Campbell Live continually shows up the government, and its inattention to the important issues affecting everyday New Zealanders.
The Government has a guilty conscience. So has to shut up the actual people who are trying to solve the issues that need solving.

I think maybe John Key needs to have a close inspection of where his priorities lie!
Is he making life better or worse for New Zealand Citizens by the choices he makes.?

I know twitter and Facebook are going to be really busy tonight with comments of support for Campbell Live and John Campbell.

It was painful watching the faces of the Campbell Live Team, so many of them are losing their jobs,

I just say to all those who worked with John Campbell on the Campbell Live show, Thanks for the memories, thanks for standing up and fighting for the rights of those who needed an advocate in their corner.

Thanks for putting your livelihood on the line every week with stories that were confronting, but necessary to bring to light.  Chasing down the crooks, and the ones who wanted to run.

I have nothing but admiration and appreciation for the Campbell Live Team and John Campbell who is one very sincere individual, who was not afraid to show emotion, and break down on camera when the circumstances made him feel for the people involved.

I know I have written an article about Campbell Live before, but this show moves me like no other current event show has influenced. Thats an advantage. I know I wasn't the only one that felt this way and this show was truly special.

I hope those involved in this transition are taking care of themselves, as it is not easy to say goodbye to such a long running programme. My thoughts are with you all. Just remember you are leaving behind an amazing legacy of truth, right, and not just talking about an issue or problem but also following through and getting results.

I just hope that the little Man who needs to see things change still has someone in their corner!















article about campbell live

Employers look beyond exterior yr gem may await.

Im in the position where I am trying to find stable parttime-fulltime work.

Its not a position anyone would envy as I am going back to the workforce after a substantial time on the invalids benefit due in fact to mental health issues. 

I am terrified of this next step because I hv lost confidence in myself and also there are so many jobseekers out there looking for work.

I'm afraid of the questions that will come up about why I had to leave teaching when that was my chosen career path. Yes thats right the girl with bpd, and ptsd, and depression used to be an early childhood teacher, and she was a flaming good one, before all of these health issues made a mess of things.

I have tried to go back into teaching but apparently I will not be considered for 

a decent amount of time, have to show stability in health and that is something I cannot promise at this time, have been working on that stability, but I'm not well enough to be able to work with children. I also don't have the stamina that I used to have. I have to face facts in this respect. 

So instead of this as a career path I am trying to get back into the administration side, I have worked for a law office in the past, a insurance firm, and a chimney cleaning company. Problem is I do not have any recent references in these fields. I have been working for the chimney cleaning company but the owner is my father so it is rather difficult to use him for a reference.

So back to the drawing board, I have the skills I have the experience but not the references. 

I have worked in hospitality. Its okay. But long term its not what I want to do. I do not like the hours, and I don't see myself as waitress.

When you have to Leave your job for mental health reasons now there should be a textbook or instruction manual with how to cope and explain this to prospective employers. 

Im a bundle of nerves even looking in the job market. My mind is immediately thinking negative and I'm having  to change those patterns in my head.

It seems like a simple thing but it really is not, It takes a lot of guts to put yourself on the chopping block again. Trying to get work these days is like partaking in the lottery. Buying yourself a ticket for a raffle, or the lotto, only a small amount of winners! The rest end up with letters sent to them or no notice whatsoever to explain why they were unsuccessful.

The results of being told No, Your unsuccessful for this position, well thats like a stab to the heart!

The person feels defeated, and feels the rejection all over again. Whether you think it or not most do take it to heart, I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH thats what rings over and over in their minds.

Its hard to keep seeing the silver lining in a bad situation when you are rejected for so many paid positions, you lose hope, you think well I'm never gonna be good enough you think your going to always be stuck. This results in stopping trying altogether, or sometimes suicide. As you feel that you mean nothing and really have no use to society. A very dangerous place to be for someone who has suffered with mental health issues.

Im trying to shed a light on this fact so employers can realise. 

When you have had mental illness you struggle to get employment it just seems theres still so much stigma associated.  There really shouldnt be though not with all the campaigns.  Regular individuals who dont look like they have got mental illnesses  have issues doesn't make them weak. Alot are fantastic employees if businesses actually give them a chance to prove that fact.

So why arent more businesses giving these ones a shot. All they need is a trial ?

Why so much stigma ?
Judgemental attitude?

I dont know. 

You cant change minds that are made up already. Seems like theres alot like that.

Looking at advantages for those who are in recovery from mental illness being employed. First of all  ones mentally its huge if they are working, this creates a stable environment where they can feel they are valued and contribute to society. 

With a job comes money, freedom, less reliant on winz and so called agency's.

So its a win win, especially if the situation works for both parties!

I wrote this article because I think its time maybe that employers consider people who have had mental illness (even invisible) these ones who need work, and maybe give them a chance to be successful! Someone can be everything you expect on paper, and not in person, or not perfect on paper but in person they are a gem. They have the skills, they have the willingness and are eager to get somewhere within the business, they have those customer service skills etc.  As well as the correct attitude to succeed.

Im not saying employ every person that comes along, but it would be great if employers could be perceptive and maybe see beneath the surface of a persons exterior!

If they do that they may just find a Gem 

Talking to myself (triggering post)

Here I am writing but the thoughts aren't quite connecting with my brains pathways.
Have had a strange old day spilt my water twice over the art table whilst my brushes were in soak
Such a clutz
And strangely enough that's not the normal me

Made me feel quite uneasy.
Things like that seemed to be happening to me.

Like the cold weather had let in a chill up my spine.
Here I have been freezing my tail off,
Nothing I wear seems to be adequately warm enough.

Socks are a lifesaver though. Warming those tootsies,
Back in my bed now
Snug as a bug the rug

Spoke to someone today someone who's qualified enough to respond to my questions
asked them the hard word on what it's like
To see and deal with a dead persons body.
She tried to tell me the horror stories.
What's wrong with me still doesn't sink in,

Obviously it's not a pleasant experience
But my brain makes it seems to make it be pleasurable.

Hard to explain
She warned me regarding my organs
As she knew I nearly had organ failure last attempt,
Organ failure is horrid
Mental health patients who overdose aren't allow transplants, they miss out completely.
And 6 months down line can still die from an overdose.
Painful experience
Can't take it back.

Does any of this make a point to me. I don't know
As I still keep thinking the same

Pets as Therapy

Theres something quite comforting about a cat or a dog.


I would say Cats probably give the most to their owners. depending on the cat of course and its temperament.

I have been lucky in the fact that I have 3 cats with very different personalities

One is my Amos a very gentle tortoise shell tabby who I have owned since 2004, she was found in a pet store, last one to be picked. She's such a lovely cat, a cuddly cat who loves to lay on your lap and purr and purr gently. When I'm asleep in bed she will lay on my arm and is content just to be present with me.

She's quite a character when I take my dog for a walk she comes along and walks beside us. Doesn't like to be left alone.

She's very a tuned to my voice and comes when called.
She's also quite talented at the old mouse catching....


I have Missy who's a grey and white tabby she's about a year old now and she is very playful, but also has a nice purr sound when she's attentive to you. Her purring sounds like a car engine, or a steam train.  She's also a great hunter.
Strangely enough she loves to play with anything she can get her paws on. Particularly she loves the milk bottle tops, straight off the milk bottles. So once I've finished and ready to throw out she gets one tossed on the floor, she likes to lick the milk off the top of it.
She's also made her own bed in the evening, and has a special perch she lays in. Towering over all the other pets.

My last cat is Molly she's a Gold and White, fluffy flat nosed Persian cat. She wasn't being taken care of well in her own home. But I rescued her and now she has put on weight and looking just simply beautiful. She's so gentle, loves to be rocked like a baby, loves the security of being rocked. But now her favourite thing to do in the evening is to lay with me on the couch and sit on my fluffy cushions.
She's also the only cat I know that snores loudly. Its quite hilarious to listen to!


Last member of my Furry Family is Pablo my Bichon Frieze x Jack Russell.
He's my baby have had him since 2005 and even though he's not a puppy anymore he still acts like he's a youngen.
His favourite thing to do these days is take a ride in the van when Dad goes to work!
Hes also spoilt rotten both at home with tib bits and out on the road. Dad regularly buys him Sausage rolls etc.
Pablo loves his walks. As dogs do and its great because I know I have to walk him it gets me motivated, and I get in a routine of regular exercise.

The benefits of a good walk once a day for half an hour or so is that it improves your mood.

My Large family have been an invaluable resource in my health state.

I thoroughly recommend having a pet, any pet but a cat or dog or rabbit or horse is preferred.
But something you can tend and take care of.

The fact is when you are a pet owner, you are responsible to make sure they are fed, watered, toiletted, taken care of in the exercise department. Animals give you a reason to get up in the morning, to hang around and put up with quite a crappy situation because they are dependent on you for everything.  Cos lets face it if your not here to take care of them who is?

Yes it costs money to keep animals, but saying that what you get in return far out weighs any costs you may incur.

They make you

• Smile
• laugh
• Provide a sense of comfort
• Teach Responsibility and Maturity
• They prove to be a distraction from everyday problems, and your situation
• They bring Happiness
• Pets make you get out and about, Socialize and Exercise because they need regular exercise.

Another advantage is they are great garbage bins! for leftovers hahahaha

In conclusion I say That having a pet is one of the most rewarding things you can do for yourself. 

And when you rescue a pet you feel even better inside. 

Maybe check out your local S P C A  

you might find that special friend you have been missing!

              

psychological abuse killer to your heart

Its a strange feeling to still feel rejection by those closest to you.

Like your meant to love them, your meant to respect them but you are so damn frightened of them at the same time.

She yells, she makes her demands known. Nobody else is present she sets her sights on you.

Why does she choose me a little voice quietly whispers to herself, why can not she just leave me be.
Pushing and prodding till she finds the buttons the sparks that start the fire.

Why does she like making me feel so small. The critiscm is not constructive feedback.
Its torturous sayings that relive and relive and cause me to run.

I don't know why she affects me so even though I try so hard to be big and strong and able and resillient from her attacks.
But privately I weep internally.

The person I am meant to trust, who's meant to be there for me is just a stranger, or a big bully teasing me in the playground.
Nothings nice about being naive, nothings nice about being teased.
the joking around you, all your family get the joke, but you wonder why the joke is you?
whats wrong
why aren't I laughing?

You feel so  alone cos you are trying to pick up the shattered pieces off the floor.
when the image in the mirror seems to be someone else, and not connect to the inner
You feel like your around a stranger just a front of a put together person.
But the burdens carried are heavy and you sigh

She's nice to everyone around you, they don't see the side that I witness.
the terrifying creature that lurks within.

Oh I wish I wish I could erase a lifetime of hurt.

She threw the hot soup at my direction anything to get a reaction.
You live in fear
of the next attack, revenge full act.


How can you feel safe when all this is about?

Im not weak far from it, but  I shouldn't of been so tolerate.
Thought it was normal for a time. It was only when my eyes were opened
I saw that other families did not live this way.

The war, the agony of psychological tormented phrases.

Its true that words can sting more than a bee.

I would rather be hit physcially than hear verbal sayings psychological abuse. Thats the truth.
emotional abuse is a killer to your heart.

another letter to you inner child

Another letter to You Inner Child.

Good evening child within my inner child. I hear your cries your screaming for help, I see the pain in your face with every word that you utter. I don't see tears but you can let it out you can cry.
Baby girl you have been through so much, you have experienced too much for one girl to handle.
Please let me take some of this burden off your shoulders. Let me carry it and dump it in the garbage.
You know its not healthy to live in the past, you know its a bad place to stay.

Baby girl oh baby girl can I give you a hug can I cuddle you and make you feel safe. Your not alone your not abandoned. You are wanted you are loved.

Oh child sweet child you only saw things from your viewpoint, your lense was mangled.

People let you down and those closest to you should of been near but they were not.

Why was your mum trying to run away? and why are u following in  her footsteps. Whats so scary my dear child please say.

People want you to hang around and grow, not give up.

Child sit on my knee, put your hands in my lap, and I would warmly embrace you. Because dear child we must stick together as we are facing the same war but time zones apart.

Dear Child, where are your drawings, where are the correspondence that you sent. Did you ever capture your feelings your thoughts in art. I know that your older counterpart embraces art and all it stands for, the expression of the soul.

What does that mean lay your soul bear. But you and I find that hard to do. We do not want people to see our vunerablity, we want to be strong, but how can you be strong when all you are carrying is breaking you and ruining the view.

I do not expect you to understand child, you had the thought that we would be okay. Maybe your right time will tell, but the heart has poison in its shell and hurt is there as its unwelcome visitor.

Why are you so angry, resentful and bitter dear child. Was he loved more than you? Were you ever enough? why did he get off let free with no issues. Why do you have to suffer.

Dear child I know you have been scared of her, your closest family member, but the anger she showed the rage of a thousand bulls, you were the sacrifice, you are the one who had to eat her words with soap. Torture or discipline please tell me which? I see it as a time the young child couldn't bear to forget.

Belts, rolled up newspapers, anything to hit you square on the bum. Dear child, did you have to sit at the table and finish all of your meal before you could leave. What were your strict instructions, and yr brother was free to eat as he pleased.

Please tell me where the double standard for children entered into the parenting rule book. Seems like you child had the hard end, the tough bargaining chip. I know how did that make you feel when you saw your brother get off scott free. When you watched him get to go to camps, balls, and school dances. Was it just cos you were a girl that you were refused?

I will never understand your journey fully dear child. I know the older child still cries inside when she went through the embarressment, and eyes starring at her.

The older child had to grow up quickly, because she was made to be naive.

Young child your vunerability is still seen clear as day, you didnt grow out of it, just became more cautious. You thought you were safe but you weren't. Someone who was meant to be a friend took advantage. A scandal he started.

The scoundrel you'll never forget his name as its tattooed on you.

How can you find that innocence once again? How can you undo all that hurt.
first of all dear child you need to grieve. grieve for the child, then grieve for the child at 14 years of age, 16 and then 22.


Now Dear Child we aren't dealing with a child but a woman but that woman is only a woman in form.  Her mind is a childs, or a teenager, her mind is that of a child hiding from the world scared to be rejected to be abandoned. Her mind is a playground for suicidal decisions..plotting to take her life plotting to kill her soul. Do we let that mind reign free,.

Dear child the forgiveness needs to come from you, you and the Woman both need to meet and make an agreement for a way to go on. She doesn't want to remain in prisoned. she's been in a cage for too long.

You both agree there that its not living if your living with hell. The fire and flames cant kill you your numb to them but words, and deeds are like swords if they are used wrong.

See the problem is dear child that the woman feels numbed by her pain, and like she's dead inside.
You either need to show her some love and vice versa or she will head off the edge of the cliff she will run in the other direction.

Nobody can keep feeling this amount of painful occurrences and not be affected.

See she's already chosen her coffin, her funeral song, and her dress. but the final stamp of a dead  woman is losing hope.
She's gripping on tightly, she's trying to find her ladder. but part of reaching for the ladder is bringing you up the ladder as well.

You both cant stay in the massive pitt that has been created by circumstance, by association.

See dear child she's a fighter and she's fighting to see a better tomorrow. But she needs you to try and see past your pain.

See the butterfly flying around in the warmth of a sunny day.

the sun what a concept when you are stuck in a storm or a hurricane, a memory can be so powerful that it never fades, but somehow it needs to be reframed to make another positive story.


Because the light cant shine in if the light switch is not turned on.

writing a letter to my inner child

Here I go. Ive heard that its a good exercise to write a letter to your inner child. It helps to connect you with her, and let her know that what she is feeling and experiencing is okay its nothing to fear but she needs to express herself and let out the pain, anguish and hurt. So many years have gone by without letting that pain and anguish out, without making it okay to let go.
But now as the older one, and the mature one, in body if not spirit yet. I choose for the good of everyone involved to let it go, let the pain, the hurt,  the frustration, the resentment, the bitterness and all the anger you could ever squeeze into one little victim go.



Dear Child.

I know your sitting in the corner i see you crouched over, trying to hide your face, from the light. You want to disappear and I get that, what a life you have lived, what pain has followed you.

A mother that was unwell, it wasn't yr fault, and it wasn't hers it just was what it was. I  know you felt the abandonment when she tried to leave you over and over, how could you understand at that age you just couldn't see. You thought that fault was with you.

The bullying that went on, the kids that just did not give a damn for feelings. Its okay to feel that pain that torture, the embarrassed expression on your face I can still see it. They made you out to be a fool. You were different.

When you finally did go it alone you fell into a hole that was too big and it was too hard to dig you out.

I understand that you want to be independent now older child but me the younger child was unsure how to stand on her own. Your afraid of falling of failure. I was afraid of breaking my knee.

You would rather walk on your own then trust in those around you. But sometime dear child you need to let people in. How can they help you, how can they stand beside you if you are one step forward or two steps backwards.

You must know dear child how much I care for you but somewhere along the windy road of life as we  know it we have both lost our way. We have lost direction. We have stumbled off the path and we are sitting by the river wanting to jump in, it looks warm and inviting, and peaceful. But the right path is back up the way we have come.

We need to turn around dear child we need to turn around. We need to trust that the path we were travelling on was the right one, and our compass was leading us at a good rate. He does not want us to be lost.

You ask me how do I trust dear older child.

Well I do not have the words nor the expertise. I trusted someone once and my heart was ripped into pieces. I trusted people and they walked away or left me.
Abandonment is a thing we both have in common. Being hurt, rejected, set aside. We should not care but we do. But dear child we only have so many years. So many chances to put our pieces back.

Why is death a friend dear child, why is it a friend, once many many years ago it was a scary place to visit. But now you go there in your dreams, your thoughts occupy space.

Don't view death as a fairy tale dear child, it'll suck you under, and the cobra will have you for its meal. Theres no coming back when death has you in clear sight. It isn't a place where you even will have thought,speech, deed, its just the end.  Its not the peaceful  wonderland that you think it ought to be no very different indeed, people who find you carry a burden, family and friends wonder why, how and whether it was there fault.

See dear child you leave a legacy but a legacy of pain, you may of gone but others carry on
 holding that everlasting suffering.

You have a chance dear child. You are standing at a cross roads.
All those people who hurt you don't need to hurt you no more.
but this can only happen if we both agree.

It means dear child young and old that these things that happened stay in the past and don't follow us through
They meet their death instead of You.

Instead of seeing these things, see the warmth, embrace the sun and the light of life

I know I need to learn to love you my dear child. I need to embrace you hug you, let you and I know its alright to step forward. That we are not going to fall into a trap.

Its ok to just be and take life and all it involves minute by minute hour by hour.

I need to forgive you dear child for not being all you could of been. I need to forgive you for watching things we shouldn't of witnessed. I need to let you cry and tears fall on my lap. Somewhere within this life of ours you have been lost, I remember you tagging along with those girls, but you never really felt part of things, and you have struggled to find yourself your identity.

Im so sorry that these things happened to you, I am so sorry that nobody was there to protect you. You had to just take life as it came. A rude unawake shock.
Im sorry that you made decisions that have meant a life of woe. I know you only did according to the information at the time. But I know you could of saved yourself from some heartache.
Im sorry you did not know you had a health issue, you did not realise your behaviour was because of this. Maybe if you had known things would of been different. But theres no way you can go back and change these events from happening.

I do not have a magic wand for you dear child. All i know is what you experienced just shouldn't of been. That man should never of taken your innocence. please weep, please let those tears fall. You should not hide them, you don't have to be strong any longer you can let out the pain. The pain needs to be felt and expressed. Thats the only way to clear away the old.

You tell me that I need to feel the pain too,  I hear what you are saying as I need to for the sakes of the present and to have a future. We cant go along the way we are heading as we are heading for disaster. But opening those doors, feeling the emotions is something that scares.  I hear you say as you sit beside me ill hold your hand, and all of a sudden theres a hug and a touch that soothes me as i open those doors to the past.

Yes I want to run much like you ran once before. But instead I choose to stand my ground.

And I turn and say to you and you to me that I forgive you,

instead of living enslaved to pain be free!

the little child

Im desperately scared. Im hurting deep within.,
the child within me is wounded.
who knows where it started, well it started with you leaving
it started with you showing me Im alone.

The child within me weeps and weeps,.
cries that nobody can hear,
they have drowned out the sounds with the tv.

The child stays mute
she knows in her heart
she cant change them
she cant make them who they should of been

They tell her to go away
they shout that the tv is more important
that its time to walk out the door
can they sense that child is crying
she's asking to be heard
she's asking for acceptance
and love

Somewhere down the road
the bullies lie,
they made her feel unsafe
when she would of been ok
making her feel that the arson was meant for her.
submitted her to shame
and ridicule.
too much on top of such a narrow frame.

Along the way
this child has lost her direction
she feels she would be better off
disappearing into thin air
she doesn't want people to blame themselves
when she finally does turn to leave.
because she's fought and fought.

The jigsaw seems too hard
the pieces are just too intricate,
and the child who's weeping has nowhere to let out her tears.
they fall inside,
their not even noticed
she puts up a front a brave fake persona.
but really this child is curled in the corner, in a hunched position,
innocent and unknowingly a victim of life.

So who can save her
There is no miracle cure
and she's feeling so uninspired and the strength is lacking
she is so tired.

the traumatic memories are too much to bear.
she lives in the past
but a child to grow into a woman
a step has been
missed.

So the innocent child
accepts her destiny
that sooner or later
letting go is the way

and she's finally at peace.

Goodbye Campbell Live.

GOOD BYE CAMPBELL LIVE

Very sad to hear that the era of Campbell Live is ending! shocking news. Why you may say?


Well John Campbell was one of the most successful show hosts that TV 3 has had the chance to employ, and the formula of the Campbell Live 7pm show just worked.

I remember the time when I used to watch Holmes, Paul Holmes. He was a legend, and John Campbell is nothing less. They both succeeded where other shows haven't bringing personalities to the television screen who actually care about NZ whether it be welfare, politics, or any other reason.

John Campbell was always at the forefront of reporting the news whether it be positive or negative. He tugged at heart strings, and helped people out of sticky situations, by talking about their circumstances on the program and the offers of help came pouring in from everyday good New Zealand citizens.

I remember John Campbell's handling of the Christchurch Earthquake, reporting on the events at the time, and the people behind the scenes who were helping find survivors, but also the survivors themselves, and everyday Christchurch. People working together to help their neighbours and Community. We were lucky that we had such a frontline reporter on the scene.

Time after time John Campbell and Campbell live have covered the most pressing issues in society whether it may be the Legal High drugs, that were available and causing terrible destruction of lives, and wasting away. He was able to get the government to look at this issue and start the talk of change.
Because of the pressure that he put on the NZ government, we started to see changes, and finally they were banned, and became hard to purchase, leading to the fact that everyday people who were taking these drugs were given no options but to stop and detox from these substances.

Also Campbell live was responsible for helping to raise money and getting food in schools and helping in that respect. Bringing awareness of the needs of children in NZ and how many children live in poverty and go without some of the basics, that others take for granted.

There are many more stories that Campbell live have covered over the years that have really touched everyday New Zealanders


John Campbell and Campbell Live was always rallying for people. For human rights, decency, to be understood. The important issues were covered, and what needed to be brought to light was.

To be honest I don't know how Television can beat such a award winning formula it just feels like this show is being tossed away before its time which is a real shame.


But saying that I want to thank Campbell Live's John Campbell and all the other production staff that have been involved in such a wonderful show.


It definitely will have an everlasting Legacy in New Zealanders Hearts


But that is all, and in John Campbell's words  "that is Campbell Live- Goodnight."

A positive experience great customer service at the other end of the telephone

I had a very good experience today with a finance company that I owe money to for a hire purchase. i would like to share my experience as not everyone receives such great service as I have had the pleasure to have.

I was feeling quite nervous about making the phone call and telling the lady at the end of the phone my situation and how I was finding it hard to make the payments that had been directed according to the arrangement that had been set up on my account. But even still I rang her up and spoke to her just honestly telling her how things were on my end.

The fact that I was trying to find work, but at the moment my financial position is not the best and to make matters worse I am sick this week and because I haven't been working at my Hospitality Waitressing job for very long i am not entitled to any sick leave.  So instead I am very tight financially and knowing that I have to pay extra for these bills is not helping matters in any respect.

Like everyone else I have bills that are there constantly and pressing and annoying. But unfortunately I also have some pressing bills thats are having to be resolved asap, and thats making me financially very unstable. I put them to rest today by setting up AP's so they will go out like clockwork and leave me be.

Anyway the lady on the other end of the phone showed some compassion and was very understanding of my situation. For once I did not feel uncomfortable, or put down, scolded but instead I felt listened to like she really took my concerns on board and worked out a payment plan that was doable, and wouldn't cause me as much stress.

Its people like that, that should be working for organisations that deal with the public such as Work and Income, and finance companies, because they can relate to the everyday person.

I left that conversation feeling heard.

So for those who work in sensitive roles such as above please remember its very hard for the customer when their circumstances are not favourable, and a bit of compassion, a bit of mercy goes a long way.

Those are stories I want to hear about from people who deal with the community. Not the negative stories of mistreatment, and judgement and bias, stigma that I often hear.

Make the person feel comfortable, make them feel valued


and then they will feel valued themselves, and want to be retained as a customer.

Its up to you how you treat people but remember they can always run out the door!

in the grips of desperado (triggering post)

Sick of this shit. sick of it sick of it sick of it. Want my brain to shut, up. Want my mind just to leave the damn past bullshit alone.

Being retraumatized is not fun. Its actually incredibly hard to deal with.

I cant see the distinction between the abuse I endured as I grew up and the abuse that I am now having to face as an adult. There doesn't seem to be a difference. Its all abuse, its all manipulation and mind control, shit that I really cant cope with.

I try and tell myself its over. I try and tell myself that they cant hurt you anymore.
But Im hurt constantly by actions, words and deeds.

This weekend I was at an assembly day and whilst in the moment it was ok, just stressful.
After it I felt the worst anxiety you could ever imagine, and this overwhelming feeling that my brain couldn't deal with the emotions that had risen from this event. I couldn't deal with the fact that I was part of their society and then kicked out and then welcomed back.

Its just confusing,. My brain doesn't know what to believe. I don't know what to believe.
As when i have flashbacks to my past its pain and anguish and so much emotional turmoil.

I cant envision a life free from this abusive household, and I am feeling so anxious about leaving.
I have a major dependency issue, and abandonment issues.
I want to say that I am strong and yeah going on my own is exciting blah blah but I'm damn terrified. every time I've been by myself in another town somethings gone wrong and Ive ended up back at my parents home.

I know this isn't healthy, this dependency relationship needs to stop. I get that, I just don't know how to make the first step.

Ive been looking for work and applying and looking at flats, etc. but I haven't heard anything from any of these prospective employers and thats making me feel very anxious. Im having the thoughts that Im never going to be able to get out of this household environment and Im doomed.


I wonder if that is just depression talking and saying those things. But the desperado in me sees suicide as a really appealing prospect.

and I don't know how much longer I can stop myself from making that my end.

Ranting, ( could be triggering)

Having an awkward moment when lets face it theres nothing more to say.

Ive said it all and I have no energy left to fight these feelings of despair.

So instead I will lay in the corner on the lounge suite I own and basically dismiss my emotions and instead tune into whats going on, on the tv world scene.
Cant fathom watching the news so Home and Away is it. A load of bull about some residents in the bay. Relationships blah blah blah. Who can be bothered with this Crappy Shit.

At least I now have lightbulbs in the kitchen so can see where i am going.
But nothing seems to make sense, nothing seems to fill the emptiness I feel inside.

Im sick of struggling. Im sick of wanting what others have, or nothing at all.

I found my funeral song and I was happy, yes I was happy for a moment to be planning my death and the last song that people would hear as my body would be carried out in a coffin..
Yea maybe gone to far I don't know, but now I have that song it makes sense to make a dash.

Told my father that I wanted that particular song at my funeral, he said your too young to be thinking like that! He was shocked!
Why be shocked I said to him, you obviously don't know how hard it is to live everyday with a mental illness. Something you just cant snap out of, despite others good intentions and wanting to see you move past your pain.

Life just seems to be dished out in portions, and some get a really good hand. Others don't.
Im not saying that for sympathy or crap I'm saying that cos its the truth.
Theres a part of me thats really really broken. Feels very isolated,. alone, and doesn't know how to find its way home again.


Its that part of me that could eventually lead to my undoing.

I want to say I am strong and can get through anything. But my brain is so confused, fighting has been me for so long, and literally fighting now so can be here for those who are around me.
but is that living for me? no its living for  everyone else
so everyone else can be happy, secure and feel that I cared.

I cared lets face it if i didnt I would of given up a lot sooner than now,
but how can I keep facing this roundabout, this rollercoaster of emotional shit.
Im just over it,

I want to lay down and sleep forever.

Sleep hygenie

Today is so overcast and the weather is so depressing, so gloomy I cant help but feel that in my mind. But fighting against it have had two coffees already today but nothing seems to be enough to wake me from my slumber.

I think its my fault I have been going to bed pretty late recently and having my medication too late. Just not liking the thought of sleep, not liking the thought of going to sleep and waking up the following morning. But I must snap out of this thinking.

Snap out sounds harsh I know. But something I have been taught and reminded of often by my psychologist is a concept called Sleep Hygiene.

Being able to create a routine to get you ready for sleep and relax your mind and body.

Doing this by means of having a hot shower before bed. Getting into warm PJs, and dressing gown, having a warm cup of milk. All of these things teach your body to start to relax and think about sleep.
Also by having medication at the right time of night matters will be helped.

Its also encouraged not to watch tv in bed, or use tablets, phones, or laptops, after a certain time at night. Because the bright lights from such electronics affects the brain and tells the brain to stay awake instead of relaxing the brain and encouraging sleep.

These are simple things to do but not always do you succeed in doing the simplest activities due to your wilfulness, or your mind state just not being in the way of cooperating with things you have been taught. Thats when you fight against your brain and try to trick it into playing ball and working in your interests.

I am one of these people who is not able to sleep without music on. I literally cant stand the dead of night and the quiet, it drives me crazy. So instead I put on relaxing calming nature sounds, or meditation music, and try and dwell on what i hear, allowing myself to fall with the sounds of the waterfalls, or rainforest, or the simple elegance of a lullaby song, hanging on every sound.

Because lets face it when we fall into a deep slumber we forget our emotions, our struggles, our pasts we just rest. We are at peace for those many hours that we are sleeping and its pleasant.

If your lucky you may dream lovely inspiring,  dreams, and remember them in the morning,

When you wake from your sleep you should feel rested, and ready for another day.
Not like your waking from a hangover, or tribulations.

Ive come across something recently from the supermarket, a natural tea called Relaxing Tea.
It smells disgusting yes, but tastes not too bad, and its like you are drinking a whole heap of natural herbs.
I looked on the back of the packet as I was curious as to what was in this tea that i have been drinking and there in letters says CATNIP

Personally i think its a bit strange that CATNIP is an ingredient in a natural tea, but I am not going to knock this tea because it does do exactly what it says on the label and relax you.

I have found this has become one of my favourite drinks in the evening, to calm my anxiety and nervous tensions.

Another thing that I have found really beneficial is Bach rescue remedy. All natural just a few drops on the tongue, helps with the anxiety.

If your Game like me, give the tea a go and message me to let me know please how you found it!

Would be interested to hear your feedback!

Any other products you recommend I would be interested to hear about!

In conclusion.  Sleep is valuable it is free respite every single night, and this is especially of interest  to us all who don't get a break from our struggles in our mind, our mental health issues, chronic pain, stresses and anxieties in this day to day world.

So in order to get quality sleep its recommended to follow a sleep routine,

relax and wind down from the day.

Jump into bed turn over and fall into a deep sleep.

Hopefully then you will be refreshed for the next day - what ever it may contain.

Painting yr blank canvas and dealing with the mind tricks (depression)

Finally got back to the art centre today, sat myself down at the table and tried to concentrate hard enough to paint the blank canvas in front of me.

But instead of feeling a familiarity and comfortable feeling with being artistic and following my mind and heart. I felt dread.

I felt the uncomfortable nudge of I was unprepared, and out of practice and my mind was telling me over and over you cant do this. Your no good, you have no talent.

Its very frustrating when your mind goes into a rant and you just feel unworthy. Like i did not feel that i belonged there, I did not feel comfortable with the people, the space I was in, the Environment and I felt that everything I was doing was showing me to be a fake. An imposter, instead of a skilled painter that deserved to sit there and paint her canvas.

Maybe because I feel so blank within myself, and my colour has blurred its showing in my work. Its showing in my lifestyle, in who I spend time with and avoid. I felt that I needed to put on a strong front a fake persona showing myself to be big and tough when really I'm just like jelly inside.

I pressed on despite the discomfort and found myself trying to paint like I was used to. But I had to be shown how to hold the brush and sway it back and forth, and how to water down my paint and use it.

Automatically my brain said to me. Your Useless you cant even remember how to paint a picture. I found myself laughing at myself silently. It was horrible and I couldn't remove myself from these thoughts, the positive aspects did not make any difference. It was just this rampage of unhelpful negative thoughts putting me down and making me feel small.

Once again my mind was playing tricks on me, and trying to convince me that it was right, it was trying to make me feel like I did not belong at the art centre and trying to get me to leave.

Luckily I did not follow my minds intentions and instead stayed and did the first coat of the ocean, and sky, on my canvas.

Once I got into painting I found it quite a soothing process. Moving the paint brush back and forth with easy strokes, it was therapeutic.   I would mix my colours, and add the white over the top and the colour of my deep ocean would change.

With painting there is an art to it.  You never rush it, you always take your time and step back and look at your piece from every angle.  Step by step you go forward, making sure that you do not paint the first coat on to heavy so that you always have the chance to either lighten or darken depending on the finished effect you wish to achieve.


Its like a metaphor for living life, take your time, observe your options, before making a move.

At least with a canvas you can scrap it and start again.

Life isn't so forgiving. When you make mistakes in life they take more than a coat of dark paint to get rid of. To start a new is possible but hard.

Not worth getting discouraged over. I know people with terrible lives who have started a new and they are succeeding now and getting somewhere in life so its always possible. Just depends on our attitude

We are holding the paint brush for our own canvas. We are moving it stroke by stroke, and creating the exact colour palette we feel we deserve. Yes at times we will be influenced by the environment around us, but it is possible to still paint our canvas and achieve a professional result.

Because what choice have we got. We don't want to leave our canvas as a blank forever,
we want to fill it up!
and then we want to hang it on the wall for all to see!

poem releasing the pain

Im filled of pain and I don't know how to get it out
the torture of a soul pained with injustice
How did i get so
there are no words
to explain how life has flowed.
But its my choice to get myself out of the murky waters
Ive found myself in.
I cant blame anyone else
I cant stay in a state of resentment towards those who have hurt me
I need to let it go
I need to release the tension, anger, stress
and walk away
be the bigger person.

How do you do this though
you have to leave your pattern of holding on
you have to walk away with your head held high
not feeling ashamed, or that you deserve punishment
you don't deserve the negative things that came your way.

Nobody can understand your journey
if they haven't walked your path
they can guide, they can advise
but its up to you to be ready to take a chance
make a move.
change life for the better.

Part of that is expressing how you feel getting out that pain,
in a healthy way.
shouting, screaming blogging anything you can do
to let out the emotions and
the scars of the past
that try to take over the present

Its an incredibly lonely time
experiencing things you wish to lay buried
your tempted to put them to the side
and lock them up in boxes
put them on the shelf
friends need to stay present
they need to not desert
let the person feel they are not alone.
they don't need to suffer anymore

theres another person holding them up
making them a better version of themselves
that is peer support people
that is helping another person out.
because nobody can walk your journey but you
but to have a support network
can make the difference
between being here
or being a past member of society.

filling up a chapter, filling up a book. YOUR STORY YOUR CHOICE

I ask a question how can you get past the fear of having everything you know be taken away in an instance?
How do you learn to trust people again?
How can you open your heart when its been shattered into little pieces?


Im trying to find the answers to these questions above.

I think its a matter of just pressing on going forward and not looking backwards.
I have been blessed with knowing some people who have survived despite immense obstacles and situations that are not ideal.

Its taken time but they have been able to sort themselves out. They have been able to move ahead in their journeys and made progress to the reality now where they are working, they are successful members of society.  They have used their situation in life to help others and mentor them to help get their lives on track.

Im in awe of these people for the self sacrificing spirit they have shown.
One of these individuals gives their time willingly to help youth and others in trouble. Not because they have to but because they want to they see a need and they follow it. They have created a trust thats helping to save young peoples lives this person goes with someone else and visits schools in NZ. Taking the time to talk to the youth and share his journey a journey of depression and how he got out of it.

Another individual has fought with schizophrenia in the past but after finding the correct medication is a different person. He has turned his life around and now works in the community as a support
worker and helps mentor individuals.

Week by week I have heard other examples of people who have been through terrible pasts, terrible traumas, depression, and anxiety disorders as well.
These ones have all got through these things and are stronger because of it. They are still continuing to build a better life for themselves, they have not given up. They may of made mistakes, and they may have lost hope at some point, but they are still here for a reason.
Others may have helped them to gain their footing again.

I know other stories of people that have been suffering with tremendous physical pain.


These ones are still keeping on on the journey of life.

Because thats what it is

Its a journey, and only we know when that journey will end if it will end.

We are creating our own book, chapter by chapter filling in with contents.

So I guess you just got to keep moving through the book, chapter by chapter once its done move onto the next chapter and then next after that.

The key is keeping a bit of hope alive that things can get better.

Because if you don't have hope you do not have anything.


HOPE


I have a statement I try and keep in mind.....


HOLD
ON
PAIN
ENDS


Theres always Rain before a Rainbow.................................

If your facing a lot of rain or stormy weather, you know that the rainbow must be round the corner!

The Dark Side Of Social Media, Cyper Bullying/Trolling & false people

Just listening to the Dr Phil show on Cyper bullying and how rampant it is in America. So much so that he needs to do a show, to openly raise awareness for this fact. The many teenagers etc who have died by their own hand due to the Cyper bullies influencing them to make a decision.

Also trolls on Facebook and Twitter. I know this is not unusual. Where do these people get off, they do not have a conscience or appear not to anyways by the comments they make and what they say to individuals. These people should be charged, especially when it results in the death of someone because of what is said online.

But when are we going to go and stop this stuff from happening in the first place. People should have warnings on their account and if they continue to put people down and abuse then they should be locked out of twitter or Face book or any other social media site.

This problem is not just in the USA its EVERYWHERE. So damaging!

How many individuals are being targeted because of social media. You can take a picture and it can be out in cyper space in a matter of seconds, and once its out there for people to see its very hard to keep ownership of that pic.
Same when you make a post, people read it instantly! and these posts are not just directed at friends, but the public in general and all of a sudden your thoughts, your emotions, your life is out there for the world to see.

It has not be unusual to receive requests for friendship, for dating through Facebook from people you have never even heard of. Someone who just sees your picture and wants to make a connection. These people could be on the other side of the world. Of course i always decline. But what happens if your in a vulnerable state and lonely some people may be tempted to accept, especially if the picture of the fella, or lady seems genuine and nice in appearance.  People fall in love with the idea of the ideal partner. There are people exploiting that fact. This can lead individuals down the wrong path, a negative path, towards, rape, exploitation, forming an attachment with someone and most of the time they turn out to be just a picture of the ideal and not the real deal.

Its so easy to steal someones picture and plaster it as your own. How do you know that who you are communicating with really is in fact that person. You can test them out with questions etc, but lets face it people such as these are trained with responses, they do their research and make up stories, identities, children, lie about their age, their location, and they always have an excuse for not fronting up.

So in effect its safer to not engage with these ones in the first place, and only stick to those people in your friends list, and those you know.

The fact nobody actually gets training as to how to deal with social media in the most effective way. Its a matter of common sense, and realising that it is a public medium thats open to everyone. So when you keep that in mind, theres a lot you need to still keep private. Don't give out your address or phone number, your previous places of work, you can be tracked down. Even your exact location.
Literally you cannot trust anyone. Sounds harsh to say that but if  you keep that in mind you will protect yourself and safely use these social media sites in the right effective way.

So what is the point of Facebook then? Facebook is literally a place where you share whats going on in your life with friends and family and make friends with other friends, friends.  You can share photos etc, but remember the INTERNET is FOREVER, teenagers need to know that when you type something or post something it is there forever.

Twitter is well a little harder to explain, its just sentences, thoughts, opinions, there is the damage that bullies can get a hold of the thread of your conversations and run with them. There can be put downs, there can be people telling you to end your life, intimidate, put u down, threats, best to delete and block those people straight away and make a complaint to Twitter.
Twitter can be used in a positive way though to have engaging conversations with others, to explain point of views and brainstorm ideas for change. To get someone else to comment on a avenue of concern, or something topical in the media who know wheres the conversation can go. Internet can be positive and does positive things and widens minds to the possibilities. You can share funny vids, inspiring quotes, and videos, and other content that just improves your state of mind.
But being aware of the dark side is also very important!

Instagram is my favourite site in the fact that you can choose who sees your content and  you have control over where it goes sharing it just between family and friends. Photos, and comments, videos.

There are other social media sites that Teenagers mainly use like Ask Fm! in my view these are dangerous sites and create self esteem issues, and encourage trolling, and negative feedback. Kids can put any question out there and expect an answer. What happens though when the wrong answer is received, and instead of it being a positive piece of feedback its negative and puts you down, violates how you feel about yourself inside, and the comment eats at you. Thats damaging, thats dangerous, and thats what puts people down a negative path towards self harm and suicidal actions.

I think its healthy to share media on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, even youtube
 and other sites  but its also important to keep some stuff back for yourself!
Being a private person is not a bad thing. You do not have to share everything you feel, or every little experience.

There are days and days I can go without sharing in Facebook or twitter. Because I get sick of my own writing, my own mind state, and I do not feel I have anything to add of substance. But also I get tired of sharing and just want to hold stuff back keep some mystery about myself and not be an open book for everyone to read.


Just remember in conclusion that SOCIAL MEDIA is a means to use. But it DOES NOT OWN YOU

You can choose the content that goes up there,

you can choose who you allow to follow you

you can choose who you block


and at the end of the day you can choose to exit social media sites,

leave

and switch off!

Because believe it or not life does exist outside of social media !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My life Story so far.

My life has taken me down paths you just wouldn't want to go, been to the depths of deepest hell. Still am there.

Grew up around my cousins, but they wanted to play together and I would tag along behind.

Strong christian background all I knew.

A mother that had a split disk back issue, and wasn't around as a mother should be. Also she diagnosed with bipolar in my teen years, and she continually tried to take her life, by suicide. I would see Ambulances and police outside my home. I went to sleep thinking I wouldn't have a mother in the morning. She never left a note. I learnt I couldn't rely on her and dad was too busy with the business, he was a good provider but that was all. We didnt have a relationship. I had to be the strong one for my little brother who always looked up to me as his big sister.

My mother homeschooled me till standard 4. She was tough.
She was always angry and often punished me. I remember seeing the anger in her face. I felt that she was taking her anger out on me and enjoyed punishing me. She put a bar of soap in my mouth for saying I hated her. Cannot look at soap to this day without this memory.

I would be punished with the belt, and rolled up newspaper, I had to sit at the table till my meal was finished.

I never understood why my brother was treated differently he wasn't treated as harsh as i had been. He got away with a lot.  Was able to go to the school dance, camps, the ball
things i wasn't allowed to do. This was never fair. There was definite favourtism.
I often wondered what I would of been like as an adult if i was given those real world experiences!
He grew up to be such a confident self assured person, with a lot of life experience.

Went through bullying at high school because of being different and religious. Had intense fear that the kids were out to get me. One night there was a fire at the neighbours place and i felt that the kids at school were aiming for my house. My mother wouldn't let me wear a short skirt, or shave my legs so coped alot of flack for that from the kids. For my birthday I was even bought a shaver, as a cruel joke!  I was so depressed I was put on antidepressants.

There was a lot of confusion about careers etc after college. I couldn't make up my mind.

I lived in Australia continued on the antidepressants given and whilst in a vulnerable state at age 22 was assaulted by a member of my church. I had depression and this person preyed upon me. Made me see my religion in a whole other light.  I couldn't trust anyone, and men especially.  He took away my innocence.

I used to be working as a childcare teacher I was studying to be a teacher at University but I lost it i don't know what happened exactly but one second I was in class learning and the next I was trying to jump out of a university window.

My life took such a turn. I lost all I knew in an instant, being kicked out of my religion a religion I had been a part of for my childhood and adolescents years. I lost everyone i knew. I mean everyone and was left to fend for myself in the world so to speak. The world that I been taught I should be afraid of and no part of.

I was out for 6 years. 6 years without my cousins, my extended family, all my friends. Had no hope

I married someone and went into an abusive relationship with abusive controlling inlaws.

 I was married for 1 and a half years before the marriage ended.

During that time I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and put on heaps of medication which made me a zombie. I couldn't work I was so drugged.

I spent many years and wasted many opportunities for employment etc, courses etc due to my health. I have allowed people to use me in the past as well.  Did not feel any self worth


In 2007 my suicidal behaviour increased. It became my career I had no hope

when my marriage ended in 2010 i went on a rampage to learn as much as I could about suicide. I would play Russian roulette with my life.

I was put on the benefit due to not being able to work because of disability /illness

November 2012 I came into contact with the nutters club an organisation on Facebook and the radio show.
I was on deaths door, roaming the cemetery amongst the dead as I felt so dead inside, I was extremely unwell. But reaching out to the radio show host Mike King meant that I had some hope.

My life has changed since 2012 in the way that I have had more support, and heard examples of people who have struggled with mental health issues and stuff and got through and actually recovered. I have also heard stories of families who lost people to suicide and how they never recovered from that ones actions and the pain was just transferred. This did not change my behaviour though and I continued to test the limits and try to end it all. I was in contact though with some very valuable people.

In 2013 I was also accepted back into the church. But it has been very difficult to actually believe thats the case as I don't trust people, and I am so afraid to be hurt again. The psychological damage of being removed from the church and brought back years later is hard for me to put into words. I am shattered inside. On the outside you wouldn't know as I fake it well. But the most tortured souls carry it inside and cant let go.

Because of my diagnosis of BPD and all it involved I stayed very suicidal at times, and tried to take my life on a regular basis, as I couldn't live this way.  What was so frustrating was that I was on a waiting list for DBT therapy that just did not seem to come soon enough.

Finally after following up myself with the local DHB, and writing countless letters to the suicidal prevention coordinator, dhb, and mayor and making some threats that basically if I don't get this therapy I will Suicide. Something finally happened. Diabetical Behaviour Therapy by Marsha Lineham was started.

My life did not really turn for the better until I started Dbt therapy in July 2014. Through this course I have been learning strategies to cope with my distress, and my emotional upheaval. Borderline personality disorder is a emotional regulation disorder,  we have trouble regulating our emotions. So something that someone else would experience as a 3 distress level we would experience at 6 or 7 or even a 10. Just anything can tip us over the edge.

These strategies I've learnt have been invaluable tools, and I pleased to announce that I have had periods of calm and not engaging with emergency services as much as I used to as sometimes I am able to cope with my distress at home.

The four main areas of Dbt are 1) distress tolerance  2)Emotion Regulation 3)mindfulness 4)interpersonal skills,

But even though am in the midst of Dbt therapy and have strategies now to deal with unhelpful emotions, I also have intense trauma that hasn't been dealt with throughout my life. PTSD.
These memories are traumatic and I have regular flashbacks.

Unfortunately my health team don't recognise they need to look at the deeper issues. They are not very supportive.

 Due to my health issues I moved back in with my parents after my divorce. They have very much put me in the mental health crazy box. The stigma for that is not pleasant. I keep trying to tell them that i am getting better.
moving back in with my parents created a dependency issue, which I am now aware of and as I get stronger I know I need to separate from them in order to move forward.

My mother can turn like a hurricane, and I live in fear of her ever changing moods, and disposition.
She has thrown hot soup at me before. Also I regularly have had emotional and psychological abuse from her and verbal abuse. Continual put downs, and swearing. We have gone places and she has just abandoned me and driven off, leaving me to fend for myself and find my own way home.
The last time this happened we were in Australia at a shopping mall, I did not know where I was.

Both my parents are very controlling and its not unusual for them to ask my financial status, and demand money etc mum will demand a sandwich or something and expect you to serve her. Theres a sense of if we do something for you you must do something for us.
Tit for tat relationship which I don't understand. There is a lot of controlling and manipulation especially around going to church. I must go or else god won't love me.

My dad will often side with mum and it will be two against one. Very over powering.

I know my mother is a Naccisist  not a nice term but if you live with her daily you will know I am correct.

I try to stay 33 but often I do feel that I am a scared child or teenager. I am living amongst abuse and its not ideal, but like other abusive relationships its easy to talk about leaving but doing it takes a lot of courage and you do not want to go back.

I guess I'm at the stage where I need to make the move because I know I will die here if I have to put up with more of this shit. You feel like you live in a prison!

Your not with people who build you up and make you have a high self esteem,, you are with people that criticise your every move, and put you down.

Im not even allowed to show emotion. They don't want to hear how much I am hurting inside. In their view I should be over it and I am stupid and pathetic, and an attention seeker for not being past this trauma.


But how can you leave your traumatic memories behind if they follow u round and are present in your Now?

your future?


Guess I've been in a state of denial about how bad the abuse has been. Ive been used to it. But its not right and I have to stand up and say enough is enough


I deserve to be treated better.

But that starts with treating myself better first!!!!

Pesky Companys who demand to know your status of position

I was hounded this afternoon by collection house because Vodafone demand to know my statement of position and whether can pay any more than the $5 I am currently paying to pay off my overdue account.

Well let me say I was not in the best frame of mind to be giving out details of my current financial situation. For one I was caught in a PMS State, so I was already agro, and then with depression on top and whats been happening lately in my life yeah I wanted to give the lady who was demanding to know this information an ear full.

I tried to stay polite, but really i was festering angry inside, and I could feel my body and my mind being overwhelmed.

When someone demands to know where every dollar of your money goes, well thats intrusive and damn irritating. For one I don't know where every dollar does go, I have bills like everyone else does and yes I have made mistakes in the past with impulsive spending sprees. I am still paying the consequences for them. But I'm afraid a lot of this was caused by my health issues and the Borderline Personality disorder diagnosis that I fight on a daily basis.

In my brain there has been no word such as NO. If i wanted something I got it regardless of the outcome and consequences.
Now I am a bit more savvy but sometimes i still get caught in the impulsive recklessness which is part of my diagnosis.

Anyway back to this pesky phone call this afternoon, I was advised to have a medical certificate sent to the Vodafone office, and this would avoid the 3 monthly pesky phone calls asking to raise the amount paid every week off the account.

I couldn't help but feel like this is a really poor way to treat people. Companies are ringing vunerable individuals and demanding to know why they cant pay more off their outstanding accounts.
Could they be leading people down negative paths because of their actions? Its hard to know. But I was incredibly distressed after my phone call this afternoon so if it can have that effect on me who knows how others are getting on.

Every 3 months seems a bit excessive, especially when the people who are paying them every week are actually keeping up with the payments effectively.
I wonder if some of these phone calls lead people down the path of suicide and self harm.


Maybe companies such as Vodafone could think of more effective ways to get the information required without putting individuals in such a vulnerable headspace.
They forget there are some out there that literally haven't got a lot of money to spare, by the time they pay their rent and important bills,
Not everyone gets a full time pay or is on a high wage.


Vodafone shame on you!

DBT/self reflection

Today was Monday so back to the hutt for dbt therapy. It was good to be back at group. Today it was looking at Opposite Action to the emotions being experienced.

Guess I did that well yesterday when i went off to work in the evening even though did not feel like going and wanted to avoid the situation and people. I went forward and went anyways and felt better for it. 1) Got myself a routine work helps keep you sane.  2) It was a chance to shut off my mind and not think of other things 3) meeting other people, serving the community feeling of use. Which you don't get if you just stay at home and isolate yourself.

I was proud of myself I can say that. I was also proud that I got myself home in one piece and did not carry out what my mind told me to do.

Enjoyed a little sweet reward for my hard work - a piece of chocolate mouse cheesecake,. Yum
A gift from my employer to say thank you.

Thought that was a nice touch.

This afternoon had a fight with a family member and that wasn't ideal but it did allow me to express how i was feeling about something, and that led to me crying about it..So I guess that was healthy in a way. I have decided not to suppress this stuff I feel anymore. Its damaging me and its been building up and ready to explode so one by one i need to cut down these issues that are keeping me from achieving happiness. I need to forgive.

I don't know how to do that exactly I just know that forgiveness is what i need to do in order to move forward. I don't want to hold grudges towards anyone anymore.

So I ask how do you do this? is it just as simple as saying your not going to cause me anymore pain from now on? if thats the case then I need to make sure that no extra harm is caused by that person and to do that I need to put forth steps to remove myself from their influence and control.

I have done this to a certain extent by looking at moving away and searching jobs and places to live.
But I know I can very easily be influenced to staying put and just putting up with the damaging emotional abuse and behaviour that I've lived around for so long. That just feels normal. Its hard to admit it but i have been such a codependent person since losing my way and being kicked out of my religion and also having a failed marriage.

I think somewhere within me is the thought that I cant make it on my own, and that I am afraid of making another big mistake and losing out on something, or someone.

I also feel a strong pull to please those people around me. Do whatever they want to keep them happy but thats no way to live either.

So by making this connection its important to make the break and live life for ME.  Cos why else should we be living if we do not live for ourselves!

To do this I need to feel that life is worthwhile and can be enjoyable. I had a snap shot of a life without the amount of family stresses just recently and apart from my health being poor, it was a good break. Maybe life can be like that, I'm not convinced but I am prepared to entertain such a concept, cos if I stick around you got to have something to aim for, some direction.  For me I am still trying to find that after years of being hidden under a very unwell person who was controlled by her circumstances and her disability.


Its a work in progress but hopefully i am making a few steps day by day.

Intense PTSD and coping through the murk

Hi

I try to be as honest as i can when i blog. This is no exception, truly I'm at the end of my teather. I have a psychologist and psychiatrist but they do not see that underneath my mental health issues of Borderline personality disorder there is extremely raw and complex trauma issues that need attention asap.

I know that sometimes Borderline and PTSD seem to have the same symptoms,and can be very similar. I have the inkling that what I should of been diagnosed with back in 2007 was complex post traumatic stress disorder and not borderline. Knowing my history surely that would make sense.

Its difficult because my supposed professionals in the mental health sector see the diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder and have formed an opinon of me as a person as a attention seeker, drug seeker and so on,. I can see this when I see the way they talk to me and treat me in person when all i am trying to do is find some way of getting through the situation that has presented itself.

I have not had an easy life, Im not going to go into it, but the trauma thats there is deep and rooted, to the point where i cant cry and i try to remain strong. But this trauma isn't going away i have had counselling before but I cant seem to move forward. Maybe because my trauma is following me around as it is quite a few things and some of those are still present everyday and i cant run from them so in effect i am facing my triggers every single day.

A big one has to be abandonment issues.
These issues spur on from childhood onward and yes i have triggers and flashbacks constantly.

I grew up playing with my cousins at a early age but i was the tag along supposed triplet of 3 cousins. I was always running behind them to catch up as i remember.

I remember being disciplined by my mother harshly
I remember being homeschooled till i went into standard 4
sibling issues, and favouritism treated different to my brother.

I had a very unwell mother who was not able to do as much with me as needed and in my teen years she was diagnosed bipolar and would frequently try to end her life, these attempts i saw and as a teenager i felt like my mother was always going to be leaving me.

i was bullied at high school this was traumatic

I also believe in a religion, the religion i was born into and raised as, but then removed from due to my behaviour which i believe was caused by the borderline personality disorder, but this also happened after a member of the church assaulted me, I saw the religion wasn't safe after this very telling event, then i spent years away from this religion and got involved in an abusive marriage, and then returned to the religion but still cant get the flashbacks and memories to leave my mind, i still feel ousted. I feel abandonment issues still and cant get into my head that i am back with them.  I feel I need to remove myself to keep myself safe. But its difficult too when you believe all the teachings and deep down love it./

I got involved in an abusive marriage which ended, diagnosed with mental health issues, and haven't been right for years.

So where do you start in order to make things right. For yourself ?
How do you find that willingness to go on and live when you just cant take any more.

Clanking of the dishes. Therapy

Hey just got back from working at the restaurant.  I was reluctant to go as i haven't been mentally up to it but i pushed myself to go along tonight.

We were rushed off our feet, I mean from 5pm to 9pm I did not stop working, first off i was taking orders but soon was moved to the kitchen to take care of the piling dishes building up in the sink. Well someone has to do it. Anyways I was taking care of both the plastic containers etc, for cooking and the plates, and cutlery etc. glass ware.

Whats frustrating is when you are a faster worker than some of the people your working alongside. But even still I kept my cool and I had to dish out instructions a few times to help the night run as smoothly as possible. Its good that I know the workings of a kitchen and the hospitality industry. I must of been the most experienced waitress working tonight.

Back to the therapy of clanking dishes. I found this to be quite a emotional release, to put dishes in the sink clean them and put them on the trays to be sanitised.  Maybe its a formula to apply to my own life I need to wash the shit away and then sanitise myself in the way of seeing myself in a new light and letting the past lie where it should lie the past.

Not going to be an overnight process I know. That fact really does scare me more than words can say. But I also know its a needed process to go through in order to stay living. If I don't face the shit that I have allowed to build up, the years and years of trauma since childhood till now I know I will not be here living.  Ive just reached a point within myself that I cant explain I've struggled for so long that i am so tired of struggling and I am so tired of being tired, and hurting this much. I know for me its do this or die.

Believe me i am prepared for both outcomes. But one will cause heartache to those who are left. I will only follow that road if there is no other road left to take and I truly just need to leave this planet.

I think about that other option and yes it is appealing but tonight I chose to drive home and face the next day.

Returning and the reality of Social Media

Came back from Palmerston North and a break away to a dog that was absolutely black.
Why you say was he black. He had been accompanying my father to work in a chimney cleaning van for the week.

Im glad he was able to get out everyday, and meet customers, get some fresh air etc. he even was able to convince my father to buy him sausage rolls, goodness knows how many of those he ate in a week.

So my first order of business today was to give him a soak in the bath and clean him up. Now hopefully when he dries off properly he will be bright sparkling and new with white fur like how a bichon frieze is meant to look.

At the moment he's pissed off with me for bathing him and refusing to come out of his basket. Guess he is throwing a little tantrum such as a child may do. Cant blame him really its not that nice outside even though there is blue sky I wouldn't say it is super warm just comfortable.

So whilst he dries off I have plastered myself to write something on my blog.

Been chatting to one of my friends on Facebook just finding out the latest Goss. Cos lets face it thats what Facebook is for. To be present with one another and share positive and not so positive things.
Its so impersonal though, unlike a hand written letter, sent in a envelope with a stamp. Now when I used to get one of those I treasured it. It meant that a friend of mine valued my friendship with him or her, and took time out of their busy schedule to hand write a letter or a card.

Many of these i have kept and often refer to on the down days.
Now that is one of the things i miss about the ole times.

Its so unusual to receive a hand written letter now that email and Facebook and twitter have taken their place. But do you get the meaning behind it when you read msgs through these other formats?Do they have the same value?

One thing i cant get my head around is twitter as a form of social communication. Seems like just a bunch of nothings put on the web. Please tell me if i am wrong.

Also who wants everyone knowing their business 24/7 I would say i am quite a private person, and prefer to talk to one or two individuals a wk rather than the whole of New Zealand or the whole of the world for that matter. With twitter its so wide spread and once your comment is out there on the net there is no way you can retract it. Not to mention you become very self conscious of how many followers you have, and if you do not have many followers you start to worry, thinking whats wrong with me? so in effect does twitter encourage low self esteem issues? rejection? abandonment.?
something to think about and ponder perhapes.

How far have we really come in modern communications when theres such a downside.

Deep depression and the cloud of despair

Been suffering for two weeks now with extremely bad depression and extremely low mood to the point where I have seriously considered ending it all. All this time I had been taking my medications as normal and did not have any alcohol but yet noticed something was definitely not right with me. I'm the past I have been able to keep up a persona or a frontal of being ok whilst inside screaming but this time I could not even fake being well. Found myself walking round the house aimlessly without make up wearing track pants looking a real mess. This was a surprise even to me.  I just didn't care bout anything, and would leave the house looking a mess not caring who saw me and what they thought. Got to the point didn't want to shower, and wanted to lie in bed or on the couch rather than face the world. No energy to fight.

When I would take my medications at night I noticed a major dip in my mood which was concerning. I did what I was told to and notified the people who are in charge of my medication and my mental health team, and was brushed off, with them saying your not depressed just use your Dbt skills to regulate your mood. I tried to explain that what had been happening was very different and that the medications were not having a positive effect, to which the reply was nothing will cure the borderline only dbt therapy will help.

I didn't accept this answer so took the time to look up the drug lamotrigine on the net this had been a drug that was recommended to me by a friend who's a psychiatrist. That drug is meant to help borderline personality disorder and ptsd and seems to have helped other people according to what I read. Another article stated that there is a warning that people,with Bpd should not be on carpanazapine due to carpenazapine increases suicidality. So now I demanded to be weaned off that drug to which a visiting doctor was incredibly rude but I know my own brain and I know I'm not being helped it's only doing me harm.

Back to last weeks events. I have been blessed with a wonderful friend who spoke to me regularly every day last week as he was concerned about my state and arranged for me to have some much needed crisis respite. Without this person in my life I have very grave doubts that I would be here now to write this blog.

I went away for respite last Saturday to Wednsday of this week but have noticed my mood state continue to drop to the point of deep suicidality. I am especially feeling this way at night after taking my night medications.
But what concerns me is that I am feeling a numbness throughout my body and a disconnection, like I'm floating above, and a walking Skeleton. I do not feel like myself anymore and that is a scary place to be. I am mumble jumble with my words, and thoughts, I don't trust myself enough to be in the car without the door being locked. So I can't jump out.
None of this is pleasant, I am just lucky I'm around supportive people. Who are trying to keep me safe.

I cannot see the word hope anymore or a future and that is new territory for me. Other times I've believed in the nutters club or key to life and been strong enough to hold on, this time I know if my team doesn't listen and change my medication that it's going to be too late.

Sunday night ended up seeing crisis team at palmy hospital waiting 4 hours in Ed before being transferred to see them. They have written notes for my team. But I am scared that I am
still not going to be taken serious when I am perfectly serious, I have a suicide note at home and am not messing around and wasting people's time.

Makes me wonder just how stigmatized an illness such as Bpd can be when you mental health clinicians can't see what's underneath the trauma and pain of complex ptsd,
Dbt can help but its not a quick fix to wipe out years and and years of trauma. I wish these professionals would just look a little deeper, and see the reasons behind,the Bpd.
Or maybe I don't have Bpd just complex trauma issues that need to be dealt with quickly.,
I had depression in my teens and early 20's as well before any diagnosis,
I know I'm not getting what I need from this team and there isn't a lot of chances left.

3 months ago my meds were upped resulting in Agro mood
And then lowered sharply.,

saw the mental health clinicians from my area today and yes was disregarded again as usual, and told there is no cure for what i have and no medication in the world will make me feel better. So yes sent home defeated again, told instead to keep going to DBT and put effort into that, and regulating emotions myself.

Get sick of the same spin on the issue. They do not seem to see whats beneath my borderline personality disorder, the deep unhappiness and emotional post traumatic disorder. Trying to deal with this on my own. I wonder if I have been misdiagnosed in the past with Borderline when in fact it is PTSD.

As far as I am concerned they are putting a band aid plaster on a sore weeping wound.

Why its best to be silent

Its best to be silent and not say a word, when people around you are smiling and do not know what pain is. Its best to grin and bear it and just not utter a sound. You can go home at the end of the day and cry inside and wish that you lived in another era, but in public you stay staunch.

why should you let people into your world they don't want to see that side the side of a person who's breaking into pieces the side of a wreck of a woman a girl, a child with trauma that you could write a book with. Would it be a best seller?

Twitter and Facebook just do not cut it who wants to say sweet nothings when nothing is sweet.

I don't like to be the bearer of bad news but when is the pain going to end for a child who's had nothing but. Im not being self centred just saying it how it is.

You can talk about it till your blue in the face, or you can over medicate me zombify me beyond belief but my tears still won't show., My scars remain.

I could write a thousand songs of just how it feels to have your heart broken. try being a master of it every single day.

Acting like every little things ok when you are holding up a mask, a fake persona. The truth is you want to run away you want to hide. You don't want to be hurt anymore.

When is enough enough and when does someone get to sleep for real.

Thats the question i am trying to find the answer to..