Painting yr blank canvas and dealing with the mind tricks (depression)

Finally got back to the art centre today, sat myself down at the table and tried to concentrate hard enough to paint the blank canvas in front of me.

But instead of feeling a familiarity and comfortable feeling with being artistic and following my mind and heart. I felt dread.

I felt the uncomfortable nudge of I was unprepared, and out of practice and my mind was telling me over and over you cant do this. Your no good, you have no talent.

Its very frustrating when your mind goes into a rant and you just feel unworthy. Like i did not feel that i belonged there, I did not feel comfortable with the people, the space I was in, the Environment and I felt that everything I was doing was showing me to be a fake. An imposter, instead of a skilled painter that deserved to sit there and paint her canvas.

Maybe because I feel so blank within myself, and my colour has blurred its showing in my work. Its showing in my lifestyle, in who I spend time with and avoid. I felt that I needed to put on a strong front a fake persona showing myself to be big and tough when really I'm just like jelly inside.

I pressed on despite the discomfort and found myself trying to paint like I was used to. But I had to be shown how to hold the brush and sway it back and forth, and how to water down my paint and use it.

Automatically my brain said to me. Your Useless you cant even remember how to paint a picture. I found myself laughing at myself silently. It was horrible and I couldn't remove myself from these thoughts, the positive aspects did not make any difference. It was just this rampage of unhelpful negative thoughts putting me down and making me feel small.

Once again my mind was playing tricks on me, and trying to convince me that it was right, it was trying to make me feel like I did not belong at the art centre and trying to get me to leave.

Luckily I did not follow my minds intentions and instead stayed and did the first coat of the ocean, and sky, on my canvas.

Once I got into painting I found it quite a soothing process. Moving the paint brush back and forth with easy strokes, it was therapeutic.   I would mix my colours, and add the white over the top and the colour of my deep ocean would change.

With painting there is an art to it.  You never rush it, you always take your time and step back and look at your piece from every angle.  Step by step you go forward, making sure that you do not paint the first coat on to heavy so that you always have the chance to either lighten or darken depending on the finished effect you wish to achieve.


Its like a metaphor for living life, take your time, observe your options, before making a move.

At least with a canvas you can scrap it and start again.

Life isn't so forgiving. When you make mistakes in life they take more than a coat of dark paint to get rid of. To start a new is possible but hard.

Not worth getting discouraged over. I know people with terrible lives who have started a new and they are succeeding now and getting somewhere in life so its always possible. Just depends on our attitude

We are holding the paint brush for our own canvas. We are moving it stroke by stroke, and creating the exact colour palette we feel we deserve. Yes at times we will be influenced by the environment around us, but it is possible to still paint our canvas and achieve a professional result.

Because what choice have we got. We don't want to leave our canvas as a blank forever,
we want to fill it up!
and then we want to hang it on the wall for all to see!