in the grips of desperado (triggering post)

Sick of this shit. sick of it sick of it sick of it. Want my brain to shut, up. Want my mind just to leave the damn past bullshit alone.

Being retraumatized is not fun. Its actually incredibly hard to deal with.

I cant see the distinction between the abuse I endured as I grew up and the abuse that I am now having to face as an adult. There doesn't seem to be a difference. Its all abuse, its all manipulation and mind control, shit that I really cant cope with.

I try and tell myself its over. I try and tell myself that they cant hurt you anymore.
But Im hurt constantly by actions, words and deeds.

This weekend I was at an assembly day and whilst in the moment it was ok, just stressful.
After it I felt the worst anxiety you could ever imagine, and this overwhelming feeling that my brain couldn't deal with the emotions that had risen from this event. I couldn't deal with the fact that I was part of their society and then kicked out and then welcomed back.

Its just confusing,. My brain doesn't know what to believe. I don't know what to believe.
As when i have flashbacks to my past its pain and anguish and so much emotional turmoil.

I cant envision a life free from this abusive household, and I am feeling so anxious about leaving.
I have a major dependency issue, and abandonment issues.
I want to say that I am strong and yeah going on my own is exciting blah blah but I'm damn terrified. every time I've been by myself in another town somethings gone wrong and Ive ended up back at my parents home.

I know this isn't healthy, this dependency relationship needs to stop. I get that, I just don't know how to make the first step.

Ive been looking for work and applying and looking at flats, etc. but I haven't heard anything from any of these prospective employers and thats making me feel very anxious. Im having the thoughts that Im never going to be able to get out of this household environment and Im doomed.


I wonder if that is just depression talking and saying those things. But the desperado in me sees suicide as a really appealing prospect.

and I don't know how much longer I can stop myself from making that my end.