writing a letter to my inner child

Here I go. Ive heard that its a good exercise to write a letter to your inner child. It helps to connect you with her, and let her know that what she is feeling and experiencing is okay its nothing to fear but she needs to express herself and let out the pain, anguish and hurt. So many years have gone by without letting that pain and anguish out, without making it okay to let go.
But now as the older one, and the mature one, in body if not spirit yet. I choose for the good of everyone involved to let it go, let the pain, the hurt,  the frustration, the resentment, the bitterness and all the anger you could ever squeeze into one little victim go.



Dear Child.

I know your sitting in the corner i see you crouched over, trying to hide your face, from the light. You want to disappear and I get that, what a life you have lived, what pain has followed you.

A mother that was unwell, it wasn't yr fault, and it wasn't hers it just was what it was. I  know you felt the abandonment when she tried to leave you over and over, how could you understand at that age you just couldn't see. You thought that fault was with you.

The bullying that went on, the kids that just did not give a damn for feelings. Its okay to feel that pain that torture, the embarrassed expression on your face I can still see it. They made you out to be a fool. You were different.

When you finally did go it alone you fell into a hole that was too big and it was too hard to dig you out.

I understand that you want to be independent now older child but me the younger child was unsure how to stand on her own. Your afraid of falling of failure. I was afraid of breaking my knee.

You would rather walk on your own then trust in those around you. But sometime dear child you need to let people in. How can they help you, how can they stand beside you if you are one step forward or two steps backwards.

You must know dear child how much I care for you but somewhere along the windy road of life as we  know it we have both lost our way. We have lost direction. We have stumbled off the path and we are sitting by the river wanting to jump in, it looks warm and inviting, and peaceful. But the right path is back up the way we have come.

We need to turn around dear child we need to turn around. We need to trust that the path we were travelling on was the right one, and our compass was leading us at a good rate. He does not want us to be lost.

You ask me how do I trust dear older child.

Well I do not have the words nor the expertise. I trusted someone once and my heart was ripped into pieces. I trusted people and they walked away or left me.
Abandonment is a thing we both have in common. Being hurt, rejected, set aside. We should not care but we do. But dear child we only have so many years. So many chances to put our pieces back.

Why is death a friend dear child, why is it a friend, once many many years ago it was a scary place to visit. But now you go there in your dreams, your thoughts occupy space.

Don't view death as a fairy tale dear child, it'll suck you under, and the cobra will have you for its meal. Theres no coming back when death has you in clear sight. It isn't a place where you even will have thought,speech, deed, its just the end.  Its not the peaceful  wonderland that you think it ought to be no very different indeed, people who find you carry a burden, family and friends wonder why, how and whether it was there fault.

See dear child you leave a legacy but a legacy of pain, you may of gone but others carry on
 holding that everlasting suffering.

You have a chance dear child. You are standing at a cross roads.
All those people who hurt you don't need to hurt you no more.
but this can only happen if we both agree.

It means dear child young and old that these things that happened stay in the past and don't follow us through
They meet their death instead of You.

Instead of seeing these things, see the warmth, embrace the sun and the light of life

I know I need to learn to love you my dear child. I need to embrace you hug you, let you and I know its alright to step forward. That we are not going to fall into a trap.

Its ok to just be and take life and all it involves minute by minute hour by hour.

I need to forgive you dear child for not being all you could of been. I need to forgive you for watching things we shouldn't of witnessed. I need to let you cry and tears fall on my lap. Somewhere within this life of ours you have been lost, I remember you tagging along with those girls, but you never really felt part of things, and you have struggled to find yourself your identity.

Im so sorry that these things happened to you, I am so sorry that nobody was there to protect you. You had to just take life as it came. A rude unawake shock.
Im sorry that you made decisions that have meant a life of woe. I know you only did according to the information at the time. But I know you could of saved yourself from some heartache.
Im sorry you did not know you had a health issue, you did not realise your behaviour was because of this. Maybe if you had known things would of been different. But theres no way you can go back and change these events from happening.

I do not have a magic wand for you dear child. All i know is what you experienced just shouldn't of been. That man should never of taken your innocence. please weep, please let those tears fall. You should not hide them, you don't have to be strong any longer you can let out the pain. The pain needs to be felt and expressed. Thats the only way to clear away the old.

You tell me that I need to feel the pain too,  I hear what you are saying as I need to for the sakes of the present and to have a future. We cant go along the way we are heading as we are heading for disaster. But opening those doors, feeling the emotions is something that scares.  I hear you say as you sit beside me ill hold your hand, and all of a sudden theres a hug and a touch that soothes me as i open those doors to the past.

Yes I want to run much like you ran once before. But instead I choose to stand my ground.

And I turn and say to you and you to me that I forgive you,

instead of living enslaved to pain be free!