Ranting, ( could be triggering)

Having an awkward moment when lets face it theres nothing more to say.

Ive said it all and I have no energy left to fight these feelings of despair.

So instead I will lay in the corner on the lounge suite I own and basically dismiss my emotions and instead tune into whats going on, on the tv world scene.
Cant fathom watching the news so Home and Away is it. A load of bull about some residents in the bay. Relationships blah blah blah. Who can be bothered with this Crappy Shit.

At least I now have lightbulbs in the kitchen so can see where i am going.
But nothing seems to make sense, nothing seems to fill the emptiness I feel inside.

Im sick of struggling. Im sick of wanting what others have, or nothing at all.

I found my funeral song and I was happy, yes I was happy for a moment to be planning my death and the last song that people would hear as my body would be carried out in a coffin..
Yea maybe gone to far I don't know, but now I have that song it makes sense to make a dash.

Told my father that I wanted that particular song at my funeral, he said your too young to be thinking like that! He was shocked!
Why be shocked I said to him, you obviously don't know how hard it is to live everyday with a mental illness. Something you just cant snap out of, despite others good intentions and wanting to see you move past your pain.

Life just seems to be dished out in portions, and some get a really good hand. Others don't.
Im not saying that for sympathy or crap I'm saying that cos its the truth.
Theres a part of me thats really really broken. Feels very isolated,. alone, and doesn't know how to find its way home again.


Its that part of me that could eventually lead to my undoing.

I want to say I am strong and can get through anything. But my brain is so confused, fighting has been me for so long, and literally fighting now so can be here for those who are around me.
but is that living for me? no its living for  everyone else
so everyone else can be happy, secure and feel that I cared.

I cared lets face it if i didnt I would of given up a lot sooner than now,
but how can I keep facing this roundabout, this rollercoaster of emotional shit.
Im just over it,

I want to lay down and sleep forever.