Intense PTSD and coping through the murk

Hi

I try to be as honest as i can when i blog. This is no exception, truly I'm at the end of my teather. I have a psychologist and psychiatrist but they do not see that underneath my mental health issues of Borderline personality disorder there is extremely raw and complex trauma issues that need attention asap.

I know that sometimes Borderline and PTSD seem to have the same symptoms,and can be very similar. I have the inkling that what I should of been diagnosed with back in 2007 was complex post traumatic stress disorder and not borderline. Knowing my history surely that would make sense.

Its difficult because my supposed professionals in the mental health sector see the diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder and have formed an opinon of me as a person as a attention seeker, drug seeker and so on,. I can see this when I see the way they talk to me and treat me in person when all i am trying to do is find some way of getting through the situation that has presented itself.

I have not had an easy life, Im not going to go into it, but the trauma thats there is deep and rooted, to the point where i cant cry and i try to remain strong. But this trauma isn't going away i have had counselling before but I cant seem to move forward. Maybe because my trauma is following me around as it is quite a few things and some of those are still present everyday and i cant run from them so in effect i am facing my triggers every single day.

A big one has to be abandonment issues.
These issues spur on from childhood onward and yes i have triggers and flashbacks constantly.

I grew up playing with my cousins at a early age but i was the tag along supposed triplet of 3 cousins. I was always running behind them to catch up as i remember.

I remember being disciplined by my mother harshly
I remember being homeschooled till i went into standard 4
sibling issues, and favouritism treated different to my brother.

I had a very unwell mother who was not able to do as much with me as needed and in my teen years she was diagnosed bipolar and would frequently try to end her life, these attempts i saw and as a teenager i felt like my mother was always going to be leaving me.

i was bullied at high school this was traumatic

I also believe in a religion, the religion i was born into and raised as, but then removed from due to my behaviour which i believe was caused by the borderline personality disorder, but this also happened after a member of the church assaulted me, I saw the religion wasn't safe after this very telling event, then i spent years away from this religion and got involved in an abusive marriage, and then returned to the religion but still cant get the flashbacks and memories to leave my mind, i still feel ousted. I feel abandonment issues still and cant get into my head that i am back with them.  I feel I need to remove myself to keep myself safe. But its difficult too when you believe all the teachings and deep down love it./

I got involved in an abusive marriage which ended, diagnosed with mental health issues, and haven't been right for years.

So where do you start in order to make things right. For yourself ?
How do you find that willingness to go on and live when you just cant take any more.