DBT/self reflection

Today was Monday so back to the hutt for dbt therapy. It was good to be back at group. Today it was looking at Opposite Action to the emotions being experienced.

Guess I did that well yesterday when i went off to work in the evening even though did not feel like going and wanted to avoid the situation and people. I went forward and went anyways and felt better for it. 1) Got myself a routine work helps keep you sane.  2) It was a chance to shut off my mind and not think of other things 3) meeting other people, serving the community feeling of use. Which you don't get if you just stay at home and isolate yourself.

I was proud of myself I can say that. I was also proud that I got myself home in one piece and did not carry out what my mind told me to do.

Enjoyed a little sweet reward for my hard work - a piece of chocolate mouse cheesecake,. Yum
A gift from my employer to say thank you.

Thought that was a nice touch.

This afternoon had a fight with a family member and that wasn't ideal but it did allow me to express how i was feeling about something, and that led to me crying about it..So I guess that was healthy in a way. I have decided not to suppress this stuff I feel anymore. Its damaging me and its been building up and ready to explode so one by one i need to cut down these issues that are keeping me from achieving happiness. I need to forgive.

I don't know how to do that exactly I just know that forgiveness is what i need to do in order to move forward. I don't want to hold grudges towards anyone anymore.

So I ask how do you do this? is it just as simple as saying your not going to cause me anymore pain from now on? if thats the case then I need to make sure that no extra harm is caused by that person and to do that I need to put forth steps to remove myself from their influence and control.

I have done this to a certain extent by looking at moving away and searching jobs and places to live.
But I know I can very easily be influenced to staying put and just putting up with the damaging emotional abuse and behaviour that I've lived around for so long. That just feels normal. Its hard to admit it but i have been such a codependent person since losing my way and being kicked out of my religion and also having a failed marriage.

I think somewhere within me is the thought that I cant make it on my own, and that I am afraid of making another big mistake and losing out on something, or someone.

I also feel a strong pull to please those people around me. Do whatever they want to keep them happy but thats no way to live either.

So by making this connection its important to make the break and live life for ME.  Cos why else should we be living if we do not live for ourselves!

To do this I need to feel that life is worthwhile and can be enjoyable. I had a snap shot of a life without the amount of family stresses just recently and apart from my health being poor, it was a good break. Maybe life can be like that, I'm not convinced but I am prepared to entertain such a concept, cos if I stick around you got to have something to aim for, some direction.  For me I am still trying to find that after years of being hidden under a very unwell person who was controlled by her circumstances and her disability.


Its a work in progress but hopefully i am making a few steps day by day.