Been suffering for two weeks now with extremely bad depression and extremely low mood to the point where I have seriously considered ending it all. All this time I had been taking my medications as normal and did not have any alcohol but yet noticed something was definitely not right with me. I'm the past I have been able to keep up a persona or a frontal of being ok whilst inside screaming but this time I could not even fake being well. Found myself walking round the house aimlessly without make up wearing track pants looking a real mess. This was a surprise even to me. I just didn't care bout anything, and would leave the house looking a mess not caring who saw me and what they thought. Got to the point didn't want to shower, and wanted to lie in bed or on the couch rather than face the world. No energy to fight.
When I would take my medications at night I noticed a major dip in my mood which was concerning. I did what I was told to and notified the people who are in charge of my medication and my mental health team, and was brushed off, with them saying your not depressed just use your Dbt skills to regulate your mood. I tried to explain that what had been happening was very different and that the medications were not having a positive effect, to which the reply was nothing will cure the borderline only dbt therapy will help.
I didn't accept this answer so took the time to look up the drug lamotrigine on the net this had been a drug that was recommended to me by a friend who's a psychiatrist. That drug is meant to help borderline personality disorder and ptsd and seems to have helped other people according to what I read. Another article stated that there is a warning that people,with Bpd should not be on carpanazapine due to carpenazapine increases suicidality. So now I demanded to be weaned off that drug to which a visiting doctor was incredibly rude but I know my own brain and I know I'm not being helped it's only doing me harm.
Back to last weeks events. I have been blessed with a wonderful friend who spoke to me regularly every day last week as he was concerned about my state and arranged for me to have some much needed crisis respite. Without this person in my life I have very grave doubts that I would be here now to write this blog.
I went away for respite last Saturday to Wednsday of this week but have noticed my mood state continue to drop to the point of deep suicidality. I am especially feeling this way at night after taking my night medications.
But what concerns me is that I am feeling a numbness throughout my body and a disconnection, like I'm floating above, and a walking Skeleton. I do not feel like myself anymore and that is a scary place to be. I am mumble jumble with my words, and thoughts, I don't trust myself enough to be in the car without the door being locked. So I can't jump out.
None of this is pleasant, I am just lucky I'm around supportive people. Who are trying to keep me safe.
I cannot see the word hope anymore or a future and that is new territory for me. Other times I've believed in the nutters club or key to life and been strong enough to hold on, this time I know if my team doesn't listen and change my medication that it's going to be too late.
Sunday night ended up seeing crisis team at palmy hospital waiting 4 hours in Ed before being transferred to see them. They have written notes for my team. But I am scared that I am
still not going to be taken serious when I am perfectly serious, I have a suicide note at home and am not messing around and wasting people's time.
Makes me wonder just how stigmatized an illness such as Bpd can be when you mental health clinicians can't see what's underneath the trauma and pain of complex ptsd,
Dbt can help but its not a quick fix to wipe out years and and years of trauma. I wish these professionals would just look a little deeper, and see the reasons behind,the Bpd.
Or maybe I don't have Bpd just complex trauma issues that need to be dealt with quickly.,
I had depression in my teens and early 20's as well before any diagnosis,
I know I'm not getting what I need from this team and there isn't a lot of chances left.
3 months ago my meds were upped resulting in Agro mood
And then lowered sharply.,
saw the mental health clinicians from my area today and yes was disregarded again as usual, and told there is no cure for what i have and no medication in the world will make me feel better. So yes sent home defeated again, told instead to keep going to DBT and put effort into that, and regulating emotions myself.
Get sick of the same spin on the issue. They do not seem to see whats beneath my borderline personality disorder, the deep unhappiness and emotional post traumatic disorder. Trying to deal with this on my own. I wonder if I have been misdiagnosed in the past with Borderline when in fact it is PTSD.
As far as I am concerned they are putting a band aid plaster on a sore weeping wound.
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