Clanking of the dishes. Therapy

Hey just got back from working at the restaurant.  I was reluctant to go as i haven't been mentally up to it but i pushed myself to go along tonight.

We were rushed off our feet, I mean from 5pm to 9pm I did not stop working, first off i was taking orders but soon was moved to the kitchen to take care of the piling dishes building up in the sink. Well someone has to do it. Anyways I was taking care of both the plastic containers etc, for cooking and the plates, and cutlery etc. glass ware.

Whats frustrating is when you are a faster worker than some of the people your working alongside. But even still I kept my cool and I had to dish out instructions a few times to help the night run as smoothly as possible. Its good that I know the workings of a kitchen and the hospitality industry. I must of been the most experienced waitress working tonight.

Back to the therapy of clanking dishes. I found this to be quite a emotional release, to put dishes in the sink clean them and put them on the trays to be sanitised.  Maybe its a formula to apply to my own life I need to wash the shit away and then sanitise myself in the way of seeing myself in a new light and letting the past lie where it should lie the past.

Not going to be an overnight process I know. That fact really does scare me more than words can say. But I also know its a needed process to go through in order to stay living. If I don't face the shit that I have allowed to build up, the years and years of trauma since childhood till now I know I will not be here living.  Ive just reached a point within myself that I cant explain I've struggled for so long that i am so tired of struggling and I am so tired of being tired, and hurting this much. I know for me its do this or die.

Believe me i am prepared for both outcomes. But one will cause heartache to those who are left. I will only follow that road if there is no other road left to take and I truly just need to leave this planet.

I think about that other option and yes it is appealing but tonight I chose to drive home and face the next day.