surviving is just too painful

When your heart aches like mine does you wonder if you are best to give up the ghost and run from life, as surviving it is just too painful.

Everyone including your family urges you to continue along the life path. But do they truly understand your suffering. How can they if they are not in your shoes, walking your path.

Sometimes I wish just for one day they could realise, and be privy to what is going on in my head, the constant chatter, demands, critic, the backlash that goes on and the warring of trying to be normal but not feeling so.
if they could feel it, and understand they could feel the gulp that I feel of terrible anxiety. The pit of my stomach painful, and nauseous

I wish they realised just how quick the switch can be turned in my mind and I can go from not thinking about something to obsessing about it, and planning it to a tee. It just happens.

Although I have strategies now its really hard to convince your brain that plagued with suffering thats felt on a daily basis, that its worth hanging around for the next season.

I still have the attitude and I think my family have this same attitude that I am around for as long as I will and theres no surprise in their minds or my own if one day I call it quits. We have spoken over this fact already and the eventuality of that will just be dealt with in time.

I want this terrible burden to be lifted. But not in this lifetime will that happen, i just have to learn to cope and I don't know if thats enough of a solution for me.

What facade of a life can I hope to live when I'm battling suicidal thoughts and idelation as a constant companion is it really that easy to turn and look the other way and stop yourself from falling.

So many times I'm on the cusp of crying but nothing comes out I cant even show, instead staying brave.
This is not the life I envisioned for myself its a sham and a mockery that who I was has changed into this person whom I do not know, I cannot acknowledge. Somewhere I have got deeply scarred and hurt and I'm bleeding on the inside.