the suicidal club

Ok I know I have a battle on my hands its not a battle like a warfare but a battle of the mind.
My mind is still telling me to end my life. Despite others trying to tell me to give myself a chance and stay alive.

So whom do i listen to? Who do i trust? can I trust my mind is telling me what is correct and true?
am i taking the cowards way out if I go down the suicide path. A friend of mine recently said that was the easy way out of life, and giving up was giving up quitting when it gets too hard.

What does he know though? he's only dealt with depression as an affliction, and even though I am not making light of how much of a annoyance depression can be and a problem Im also stating that when you are dealing with severe depression plus other mental health disorders, well life gets complicated and strangely unwelcome to live.

Its not that you give in too easily but if that person thinks he fights to cope with his negative feelings imagine what its like dealing with the confusion that comes from compounding mental health issues.
You are saturated and challenged day after day as to whether you can overcome your feelings, and your thoughts, and your impulses.

Some days Im strong and I can get through and ignore these impulsive thoughts, and feelings of wanting to end it, but other days I am sucked into their power, their powerful hold over me is clear to see and I become very secretive and in private i am planning my next move, its not a move that leads me towards life but towards death towards getting out of the pain that I am in.

Nobody can understand unless you are in that place, that mental anguish that you are tortured by your own brain. Even without dwelling on thoughts you feel like you cant beat this thing thats got such a hold on you. That others would be better off without you here.


Its a lonely place and a place I wouldn't wish anyone to visit, because once your in this place its very hard to find your way out again. Its like your stuck down a deep well a hole you can see everyone at the top and they are telling you to climb up but you still cant see the light


You cant climb why cant you climb cos your in limbo you don't know if  you want to come back out because you are so tired of struggling.

the finality of death is a scary place but is a peaceable place as well thats where the struggle here in lies you just want your suffering to be over. It doesn't go through your mind whom u may hurt in your race to get free of your pain its only when you wake up in that hospital bed that you realise how many people are standing around you, crying for you and in anguish because they thought they would never see you again.


So who wins in this war.

Who gets the victory. Its a black place to enter and many are entering its doors.

why you may say?

one of those things you can never understand until your a member of the club.