no instruction manual for life

Nobody ever hands you an instruction manual for life and yet there should be one, so you avoid the pitfalls, and the heart ache. There should be a map where clear directions are laid out and if you stay to the path you'll be okay. You will stay off the rocks.

Yes that would be the way life should be handled, but instead the inexperienced, naive, young follow a course that leads them to a completely different point.

If only you could turn to a certain page in the instruction manual and know exactly why you were put in that spot.
why were you made to face that amount of emotional pain?
what made you the un lucky one to have a mother as cruel as she?
what did you ever do to have people running the other direction from you?

answers that never seem to come.

what do you do when your heart never feels filled again, when you have lost that spirited self,
when grief overcomes you.

what do you do when you want to say goodbye more than hello.

when your friends are planning their lives and your planning to end yours.

how can you explain to someone close to you that you biggest dream is not to travel but to be laying in a coffin dead.
they would think you nutty.
whats wrong they would say, you look fine on the outside, you seem okay, you have plenty of hope of finding a decent bloke, why give up?
how do you explain that the torture you endure is not seen.


you can do a full circle and return to a point but at this point you tend to look again at your decision making and feel your a failure that you have allowed negativity in again.

The obsession I have surrounding death and suicide is my OCD and aspergers syndrome, but its also taunting me daily

Suicide always feels like it has the upper hand and I don't know how to let this card player leave the table, he's been such a friend.

I know that fantasy of death is an illusion, that its a mirage, and the cold plain truth opens your eyes.
but I try and tell myself this and all my mind hears is it is the way to go.

So will suicide take captive another victim.

thats not something that can be answered yet but in time.