An impossible journey is it Possible?

So I want to scream as loud as my voice can carry me. The burdens I am carrying are just too heavy and yet they are extremely hard to put down and leave, and walk away.

I have been in the deep pit of despair for a few days now and avoiding people and life.

I have had financial stresses as well as personal, and continual criticism from those who should be protectors and my closest kin.

Every time my mother seems to open her mouth its to criticise what I am wearing, how i smell, or how bright my lipstick is. What gives her the right to make her daughter feel small.

She doesn't have the right, I confront her and tell her haven't you got something nice to say to me. What about complimenting me ? instead of tearing me down.
I cant be all that bad, I try and explain and work out in my mind why why i am picked on.
There are no answers, Just I find I say why me? Why doesn't she love me?

Ive come to the conclusion that she does not love me. Thats the only thing I can say that she is incapable of love, of affection, instead its a fact of putting forth a feeling of fear, and making the person she's attacking fearful of her, and limiting their chances of creating a self esteem that is much needed in order to live a full and happy life

She does not want me to be happy, to have a life.

It sounds cruel to say that, but it must be true. All my cousins, my brother and everyone else that my mother knows is in in a different boat, and viewed in a different way to her own daughter.

So I need to find the strength to go on. Not to please my mother or my family but to please myself.

Some where within me I need to find the love and the acceptance that i do not get from my parents, my family.

I don't know where to start.

seems like an impossible journey


to fill a void that just is so wide.

and a scar thats so deep.