Me now trying to survive through the fog of depression

Have almost finished dbt treatment and am proud of my progress since starting the programme last July.
Am starting ucol course tomorrow updating my office skills for employment in that area.
Am nervous about finishing dbt and feeling nervous about being back into a course but I know that I need to stick to it and use it to gain a better future.

Have got really bad depression at the moment, last few days have been awful.

Your family just do not realise how they can affect u by their words, or even just a look in the wrong way. I have been fighting my feelings my thoughts that my folks don't love me and I am a burden to them, because it's hard to see positive when what u see daily reinforces those thoughts. Wish my mother could just smile at me instead of look at me like I'm an idiot. I've had to stay away from my family in order to stay sane. Even that's not really doing anything,  I'm just trying to not make the situation worse but it's so difficult to hang in there.

For the first time in a while I had to take extra prn medication to control my state. Could not see myself getting through without it. Still don't understand what brought on this serious depression but yea it's here so have to deal with it. Maybe it's being overtired that could of been a contributing factor, have had changes in recent times in my living situation, church issues, dbt finishing new course starting, financial issues, loneliness issues, trust me there are many things that could of  been contributing factors. Even illness.

Inner voices can be a real pain, when your self esteem is low, when you live around a nacisstic parent,  a person That through a look Can take you from a 5 to a 0 in Mood.





I don't know why she's so grim and nasty to me but I can never comprehend it. How someone can treat their own daughter that way. It just hurts and I walk away feeling angry and abused. Now I just avoid her, the problem is no one else in my immediate family can see how nasty she is in word,and deed and the dirty looks she gives. Only I see those things and as a woman now she still makes me shake in my boots just like she did when I was a child.

Back to my depression. What is Really frustrating is that the crisis services have changed in this area so yea don't talk to a trained nurse now on mental health line, and no direct access to crisis team. That
was really hard when I tried to call up yesterday they didn't know who I was and what I was about,

don't see how these services are advancing mental health treatment more like confusing the service user.  They don't exactly convince the caller to ring again when they are in trouble.



Update today is Monday had course this morning. Introduction to the programme for business studies, and had student id photo taken before racing off to make dbt in the hutt. Which I only have 6 weeks left till that's completed. Proud of how handled self today as I have definitely been in emotional mind and struggling with emotions, as of recent. So there were times when I felt very uncomfortable hence being a new student in a programme where u don't know anyone. Well try doing that whist having depression, yep not fun but carried myself off as capable, even though I was
shaking in my boots.



Back to course Tomorrow morning so nervous but also excited about that.



Dbt today was difficult due to my emotion mind but I had a breakthrough during mindfulness I was able to do the breathing exercises required of me for the first time, even though it was deep breathing it was progression for me from the place I had been previously as I have always had intense anxiety regarding the deep breathing exercises. So I thought wow progress!