Thursday, 11 June 2015
Maybe its still possible/self destruct mode don't achieve jack
Tonight I'm feeling the black dog heavily pressed on my shoulders.. Its putting words in my mind, thoughts that I am unworthy, and will never account to anything.
A leopard cannot change its spots!
I have had a history of mental health unwell-ness that is coming back to bite me time and time again.
I could not help what occurred in my past due to circumstances and a mental health condition that I didn't ask for. But it does not make it easy to accept this fact. I really struggle with radically accepting what has been my journey.
I struggle with the fact that I feel so capable at times and then not capable at all. I struggle that I have all this knowledge surrounding how to work in a childcare setting, and childhood development from university and yet can not use any of it as I am held back by my background check through the police.
I get that trust is a hard thing to earn, I get that it takes time to build up a good name, and a reliability as a employee, as a person who can be trusted. I get all that but I also feel that my circumstance differs from some and I am no danger to others, only to myself and this is only sometimes.
Again I rang up the nanny agency and spoke to them regarding my situation telling them it seems such a waste to have so much skill in an area and not even be able to work. I know if I am given the chance I will pick up and run with it, as I am an excellent childcare teacher and proved that over many years of working before I became unwell. I also have my own transport and full driving license.
I let the nanny agency know that I graduate from the DBT programme next month so I will have a year's course under my belt and a certificate of completion, teaching me coping strategies for my mental illness. It was also suggested to me that I have my doctor write a letter supporting my application for employment and stating that I was well enough to work.
I wasn't going to rush into work, I was willing to be relaxed and fit in within a team environment like in a childcare setting you are supervised, other teachers are around for support, and I was going to take it carefully and not rush into full-time work or anything i know I am not well enough for that but 1 or 2 days a week, Why not.
The fact is at the moment I have been prepared to work in Administration and other areas whilst I build up some stability health wise.
But I cannot deny that my ultimate work place passion and purpose lie in working alongside children.
It makes me upset when I think that I can never get that life back again.
I think sometimes its all or nothing and if I cant be where I want to be in life then whats the point. Its a typical BPD thing where you are obsessed over something and cant get it out of your mind, and everything is either Black or white - the two extremes. Your either doing what you need or you are out of there as soon as you can.
I said to my doctor the other day when things don't look like they are going right I end up looking at the other path and go down the self destructive mode.
Obviously this is not a helpful course and does not get you anywhere but it has been part of my life for so long its difficult to stop.
I know I'm not the only one that has to fight against these impulses.
But the bottom line is that my impulses aren't going to get me anywhere positively speaking, they are going to hold me back in life if I let them. Through the DBT course I have learnt ways to work with my rational reasonable mind, wise mind and not just my emotional mind, and ultimately control my emotional reactions to situations and circumstances that arise, and triggers.
Yes Wise mind is a concept that was totally foreign to me when I first started DBT therapy but now its my go to skill. Making sure when I make a decision, I use my emotional and my rational mind together not live in my emotional brain and make decisions based on how I feel rather than facts.
Another skill I find is helpful is making a Pros and Cons List, for each dilemma I am looking at. This has been helpful in respect to viewing the consequences of my actions before making a decision and then able to look back historically at what has been the result of following through with this action. Asking myself truthfully have I benefitted from following the path of my emotions verses using my head knowledge and intelligence based on a logical conclusion.
Because like the Title Self Destruct Mode Don't achieve Jack.
Only unhappiness and pain and misery for yourself and everyone around you.
Its Your choice
but there are consequences.
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You are beginning to fascinate me. My husband grew up in a very painful environment. I hope that a story from his life will inspire you, give you hope, and help you through this difficult time in your life. My husband grew up in an abusive situation. His father was a violent alcoholic for most of his childhood, even though in later life he overcame it. His mother married 8 times and had her own mental health issues. He grew up in New Orleans, his own life has been one of accomplishment and successful living, but he had to fight his own demons, and still does. He would tell you that you cannot do it alone, you need help from God, and to surround yourself with good people. You need to find mentors, and it sounds like you do have some of this important support base. Then you need a mantra... it sounds like such a simple thing, without much power in it... but you know, I have heard my husband's own mantra many times as he has faced challenging situations. He is an honor graduate of West Point, Georgia Tech, and the Army War College. He also is an Air Borne Ranger, and Jungle Survival School honor graduate. His mantra has been, "If the man in front of me can do it, so can I." You should find one of your own. I heard him give a speech once that reflected some things I think you have already achieved. He spoke a little of his own difficult childhood, and finding his strength in God and devotion to his military career. He said being in the Army had given him SIP... skills, identity, and purpose. You obviously have done the work to achieve this certification in the field of child care. You have developed skills, you have the identity of child care specialist, and this work is very purposeful and positive thing to devote your life to. I commend you, and hope you will continue the conversation with the dark thoughts, each time reciting your accomplishments, desire to work in this most important field, and find your purpose first in pursuing this dream, not only for your own sake, but for the contributions to children's lives that your devotion will produce. Don't give up! There is beautiful scripture in the new testament that might help you... Replace the negative thoughts with a positive mantra... it could help you. I have told my husband about you. He sends his regards, and we will hold you in prayer... We don't know each other, but we are behind you... be of a courageous heart! You have already conquered so much!
ReplyDeletePhilippians 4:8New International Version (NIV)
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Thank you for your messages of support. The issues are I did not receive a full qualification through my studies due to being unwell, so would have to study again. Also Im in a situation where my mental health issues are holding me back from being in this line of work. It is something to work towards but sometimes it feels damn impossible to get back to being this teacher i used to be, before mental illness appeared.
ReplyDeleteyour right that I need to hold onto hope. Have a mantra.