My life Story so far.

My life has taken me down paths you just wouldn't want to go, been to the depths of deepest hell. Still am there.

Grew up around my cousins, but they wanted to play together and I would tag along behind.

Strong christian background all I knew.

A mother that had a split disk back issue, and wasn't around as a mother should be. Also she diagnosed with bipolar in my teen years, and she continually tried to take her life, by suicide. I would see Ambulances and police outside my home. I went to sleep thinking I wouldn't have a mother in the morning. She never left a note. I learnt I couldn't rely on her and dad was too busy with the business, he was a good provider but that was all. We didnt have a relationship. I had to be the strong one for my little brother who always looked up to me as his big sister.

My mother homeschooled me till standard 4. She was tough.
She was always angry and often punished me. I remember seeing the anger in her face. I felt that she was taking her anger out on me and enjoyed punishing me. She put a bar of soap in my mouth for saying I hated her. Cannot look at soap to this day without this memory.

I would be punished with the belt, and rolled up newspaper, I had to sit at the table till my meal was finished.

I never understood why my brother was treated differently he wasn't treated as harsh as i had been. He got away with a lot.  Was able to go to the school dance, camps, the ball
things i wasn't allowed to do. This was never fair. There was definite favourtism.
I often wondered what I would of been like as an adult if i was given those real world experiences!
He grew up to be such a confident self assured person, with a lot of life experience.

Went through bullying at high school because of being different and religious. Had intense fear that the kids were out to get me. One night there was a fire at the neighbours place and i felt that the kids at school were aiming for my house. My mother wouldn't let me wear a short skirt, or shave my legs so coped alot of flack for that from the kids. For my birthday I was even bought a shaver, as a cruel joke!  I was so depressed I was put on antidepressants.

There was a lot of confusion about careers etc after college. I couldn't make up my mind.

I lived in Australia continued on the antidepressants given and whilst in a vulnerable state at age 22 was assaulted by a member of my church. I had depression and this person preyed upon me. Made me see my religion in a whole other light.  I couldn't trust anyone, and men especially.  He took away my innocence.

I used to be working as a childcare teacher I was studying to be a teacher at University but I lost it i don't know what happened exactly but one second I was in class learning and the next I was trying to jump out of a university window.

My life took such a turn. I lost all I knew in an instant, being kicked out of my religion a religion I had been a part of for my childhood and adolescents years. I lost everyone i knew. I mean everyone and was left to fend for myself in the world so to speak. The world that I been taught I should be afraid of and no part of.

I was out for 6 years. 6 years without my cousins, my extended family, all my friends. Had no hope

I married someone and went into an abusive relationship with abusive controlling inlaws.

 I was married for 1 and a half years before the marriage ended.

During that time I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and put on heaps of medication which made me a zombie. I couldn't work I was so drugged.

I spent many years and wasted many opportunities for employment etc, courses etc due to my health. I have allowed people to use me in the past as well.  Did not feel any self worth


In 2007 my suicidal behaviour increased. It became my career I had no hope

when my marriage ended in 2010 i went on a rampage to learn as much as I could about suicide. I would play Russian roulette with my life.

I was put on the benefit due to not being able to work because of disability /illness

November 2012 I came into contact with the nutters club an organisation on Facebook and the radio show.
I was on deaths door, roaming the cemetery amongst the dead as I felt so dead inside, I was extremely unwell. But reaching out to the radio show host Mike King meant that I had some hope.

My life has changed since 2012 in the way that I have had more support, and heard examples of people who have struggled with mental health issues and stuff and got through and actually recovered. I have also heard stories of families who lost people to suicide and how they never recovered from that ones actions and the pain was just transferred. This did not change my behaviour though and I continued to test the limits and try to end it all. I was in contact though with some very valuable people.

In 2013 I was also accepted back into the church. But it has been very difficult to actually believe thats the case as I don't trust people, and I am so afraid to be hurt again. The psychological damage of being removed from the church and brought back years later is hard for me to put into words. I am shattered inside. On the outside you wouldn't know as I fake it well. But the most tortured souls carry it inside and cant let go.

Because of my diagnosis of BPD and all it involved I stayed very suicidal at times, and tried to take my life on a regular basis, as I couldn't live this way.  What was so frustrating was that I was on a waiting list for DBT therapy that just did not seem to come soon enough.

Finally after following up myself with the local DHB, and writing countless letters to the suicidal prevention coordinator, dhb, and mayor and making some threats that basically if I don't get this therapy I will Suicide. Something finally happened. Diabetical Behaviour Therapy by Marsha Lineham was started.

My life did not really turn for the better until I started Dbt therapy in July 2014. Through this course I have been learning strategies to cope with my distress, and my emotional upheaval. Borderline personality disorder is a emotional regulation disorder,  we have trouble regulating our emotions. So something that someone else would experience as a 3 distress level we would experience at 6 or 7 or even a 10. Just anything can tip us over the edge.

These strategies I've learnt have been invaluable tools, and I pleased to announce that I have had periods of calm and not engaging with emergency services as much as I used to as sometimes I am able to cope with my distress at home.

The four main areas of Dbt are 1) distress tolerance  2)Emotion Regulation 3)mindfulness 4)interpersonal skills,

But even though am in the midst of Dbt therapy and have strategies now to deal with unhelpful emotions, I also have intense trauma that hasn't been dealt with throughout my life. PTSD.
These memories are traumatic and I have regular flashbacks.

Unfortunately my health team don't recognise they need to look at the deeper issues. They are not very supportive.

 Due to my health issues I moved back in with my parents after my divorce. They have very much put me in the mental health crazy box. The stigma for that is not pleasant. I keep trying to tell them that i am getting better.
moving back in with my parents created a dependency issue, which I am now aware of and as I get stronger I know I need to separate from them in order to move forward.

My mother can turn like a hurricane, and I live in fear of her ever changing moods, and disposition.
She has thrown hot soup at me before. Also I regularly have had emotional and psychological abuse from her and verbal abuse. Continual put downs, and swearing. We have gone places and she has just abandoned me and driven off, leaving me to fend for myself and find my own way home.
The last time this happened we were in Australia at a shopping mall, I did not know where I was.

Both my parents are very controlling and its not unusual for them to ask my financial status, and demand money etc mum will demand a sandwich or something and expect you to serve her. Theres a sense of if we do something for you you must do something for us.
Tit for tat relationship which I don't understand. There is a lot of controlling and manipulation especially around going to church. I must go or else god won't love me.

My dad will often side with mum and it will be two against one. Very over powering.

I know my mother is a Naccisist  not a nice term but if you live with her daily you will know I am correct.

I try to stay 33 but often I do feel that I am a scared child or teenager. I am living amongst abuse and its not ideal, but like other abusive relationships its easy to talk about leaving but doing it takes a lot of courage and you do not want to go back.

I guess I'm at the stage where I need to make the move because I know I will die here if I have to put up with more of this shit. You feel like you live in a prison!

Your not with people who build you up and make you have a high self esteem,, you are with people that criticise your every move, and put you down.

Im not even allowed to show emotion. They don't want to hear how much I am hurting inside. In their view I should be over it and I am stupid and pathetic, and an attention seeker for not being past this trauma.


But how can you leave your traumatic memories behind if they follow u round and are present in your Now?

your future?


Guess I've been in a state of denial about how bad the abuse has been. Ive been used to it. But its not right and I have to stand up and say enough is enough


I deserve to be treated better.

But that starts with treating myself better first!!!!